TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE
|Conduct and Usage: You
shall use Squish7.com for lawful purposes only. There
will be no running, no eating, no pets, no talking, no
smoking, no sneezing, no praying, no telemarketing, and
no pleading for your life, within Squish7. Never
bend, fold, cut, or smash your monitor while visiting. Do
not surf S7 if the inside seal is broken. Avoid visiting in
extreme temperatures. Do not insert into body orifices.
Do not hold gun to head and pull trigger while surfing
Squish7, as this may lead to injury. Use only in
conjunction with milk, low sodium V8, or social
Darwinism. It is a violation of federal law to criticize
any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors within
Squish7.com. Violators will be beaten, shot, hung, then
Limitations and Restrictions: By visiting Squish7.com you agree that you are at least six months of age or older, due to the nature of the material within Squish7.com. S7 banned in the states of Hawaii, certain areas of California, and the entire southern hemisphere, and by entering you agree that you are not in one of these groups. Residents of these areas who enter Squish7.com risk facing fines of up to $4.3 billion, imprisonment for up to seven minutes, or both, or neither, or either, or any, or all, and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. (Possible exceptions to this are adorable male Abercrombie & Fitch models, transsexual Microsoft CEO's, and people named Peter, Marge, or William Henry Smith-Robertson Chi-Wong Grant the Fourth. If you believe you may be an exception to the prohibition, visit your local brewery and fill out the appropriate paperwork to obtain a ten-day license to enter Squish7.com from a designated, police-monitored Unix workstation. Note that a license, if granted, applies only to you, and may not be loaned, copied, bent, buried, chewed, dissolved, worshiped, regurgitated, sharpened and used to brutally stab someone more than fifteen times in a given day, burned in ritual sacrifice to a religious icon, or used past the expiration date. Allow six to eight months for process of paperwork).
Limitation of Liability: By availing yourself of Squish7, you agree to release and hold harmless Squish, Squish's hosting provider (currently godaddy.com), Bob Dole, Tom Cruise, Greenpeace, Elmo, John Smith, Bono, Mr. Ed, James Earl Jones, the really cute guy in Final Destination who died in the initial explosion at the beginning of the movie, any current or future third party associated in any way with Squish, godaddy.com, Bob Dole, Tom Cruise, Greenpeace, Elmo, John Smith, Bono, Mr. Ed, James Earl Jones, or that really cute guy in Final Destination who died in the initial explosion at the beginning of the movie, and any of Squish's friends quoted, mentioned, harassed, or abused within Squish7.com, from any and all losses or damages you incur -- physical, mental, spiritual, political, or environmental -- resulting from exposure to S7, including but not limited to: loss of sanity from long-term exposure, any losses resulting from such loss of sanity (including but not limited to: psychiatric hospitalization fees, medication costs, outpatient doctor visits, etc), loss of friends, spouse, or any significant other, resulting from ignoring the significant other(s) in daily life due to S7 Addiction (see below what may constitute an S7 Addiction), or loss of eternal soul.
Medical Disclaimer: By entering Squish7.com you consent that you have read and understand the following and are fully aware of the medical and psychological risks that such entrance entails: S7 is highly addictive. Signs of possible addiction include, but are not limited to, spending more than 24 consecutive hours reading S7 material, unconsciously fitting Squish's quotes into daily conversation, and perfect memorization of this entire list of Terms and Conditions. By being here, you agree to seek professional help if you notice any of these symptoms developing, before the problem becomes serious, though we claim no responsibility for any losses incurred while being here (see Limitation of Liability, above). Symptoms of extreme addiction include, but are not limited to: wallpapering S7 material to your bedroom walls, regularly spending your entire work day from 9-5 every day repeatedly hitting the refresh button on your browser while quickly flipping through S7 pages just in case there's an update somewhere, and formation of an underground cult that uses the S7 logo on the main page as its primary religious icon. If you notice these symptoms developing, seek IMMEDIATE profesional help. In addition to addiction, Squish7.com may cause drowsiness or miscarriage in pregnant women. Do not drive or give birth to heavy machinery after reading. Squish7.com is for external use only; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, contact a poison control center immediately. Exposure to this site may lead to sneezing, dependence, psychosis, vomiting, blurred vision, tooth decay, athlete's foot, and mild to moderate sexual attraction to certain breeds of poodles. Do not swim or do crack an hour before surfing S7.
General Provisions: Keep S7 out of reach of children (this includes homophobes). Store at room temperature away from sunlight or nuclear power source. Hand wash only, tumble dry low. Light blue balls are closer than they appear. No purchase necessary. Some assembly required. Color may develop before fully viewed.