TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE
|Conduct and Usage:
You shall use Squish7.com (hereon "Squish7.com" or "S7") for lawful
purposes only. There will be no running, no eating, no pets, no
talking, no smoking, no sneezing, no praying, no telemarketing, and no
pleading for your life, within Squish7.com. Never bend, fold, cut, or
smash your monitor while visiting. Do not surf S7 if the inside seal is
broken. Avoid visiting in extreme temperatures. Do not insert into body
orifices. Do not hold gun to head and pull trigger while surfing S7, as
this may lead to injury. Use only in conjunction with milk, low sodium
V8, or social Darwinism. It is a violation of federal law to criticize
any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors within Squish7.com.
Violators will be beaten, shot, hung, then eaten. |
Limitations and Restrictions: By visiting Squish7.com you agree that you are at least six months of age or older, due to the nature of the material. S7 is banned in the states of Hawaii, certain areas of California, and the entire southern hemisphere. By entering you agree that you are not in one of these groups. Residents of these areas who enter Squish7.com risk facing fines of up to $4.3 billion, imprisonment for up to seven minutes, or both, or neither, or either, or any, or all, and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. (Possible exceptions to this are Abercrombie & Fitch models, Microsoft CEO's, and people named Peter, Marge, or William Henry Smith-Robertson Chi-Wong Grant the Fourth. If you believe you may be an exception to the prohibition, visit your local brewery and fill out the appropriate paperwork to obtain a ten-day license to enter S7 from a designated, police-monitored Unix workstation. Note that a license, if granted, applies only to you, and may not be loaned, copied, bent, buried, chewed, dissolved, worshiped, regurgitated, sharpened and used to brutally stab someone more than fifteen times in a given day, burned in ritual sacrifice to a religious icon, or used past the expiration date. Allow six to eight months for process of paperwork.)
Limitation of Liability: By availing yourself of Squish7.com, you agree to release and hold harmless Squish, Squish's hosting provider (currently DreamHost), Bob Dole, Tom Cruise, Greenpeace, Elmo, John Smith, Bono, Mr. Ed, James Earl Jones, anybody killed or resurrected in the film Final Destination, any current or future third party associated in any way with Squish, DreamHost, Bob Dole, Tom Cruise, Greenpeace, Elmo, John Smith, Bono, Mr. Ed, James Earl Jones, anybody killed or resurrected in the film Final Destination, and any of Squish's friends quoted, mentioned, harassed, or abused within S7, from any and all losses or damages you incur--physical, mental, spiritual, political, or environmental--resulting from exposure to S7, including but not limited to: loss of sanity from long-term exposure, any losses resulting from such loss of sanity (including but not limited to: psychiatric hospitalization fees, medication costs, outpatient doctor visits, etc.), loss of friends, spouse, or any significant other, resulting from ignoring the significant other(s) in daily life due to S7 addiction (see below what may constitute an S7 addiction), or loss of eternal soul.
Medical Disclaimer: By entering S7 you consent that you have read and understand the following and are fully aware of the medical and psychological risks that such entrance entails. S7 is highly addictive. Signs of possible addiction include, but are not limited to, spending more than 24 consecutive hours reading S7 material, unconsciously fitting Squish's quotes into daily conversation, and perfect memorization of this entire list of Terms and Conditions. By being here, you agree to seek professional help if you notice any of these symptoms developing, before the problem becomes serious, though S7 claims no responsibility for any losses incurred while being here (see Limitation of Liability, above.) Symptoms of extreme addiction include, but are not limited to: wallpapering S7 material to your bedroom walls, regularly spending your entire work day from 9-5 every day repeatedly hitting the refresh button on your browser while quickly flipping through S7 pages just in case there's an update somewhere, and formation of an underground cult that uses the Squish7.com logo on the main page as its primary religious icon. If you notice these symptoms developing, seek IMMEDIATE profesional help. In addition to addiction, S7 may cause drowsiness or miscarriage in pregnant women. Do not drive or give birth to heavy machinery after reading. S7 is for external use only; if ingested, do not induce vomiting; contact a poison control center immediately. Exposure to the site may lead to sneezing, dependence, psychosis, nausia, blurred vision, tooth decay, athlete's foot, and mild to moderate attraction to certain breeds of poodles. Do not swim, conduct swimming lessons, or ingest illegal substances before or after surfing S7.
General Provisions: Keep S7 out of reach of children. Store at room temperature away from sunlight or nuclear power source. Hand wash only, tumble dry low. Light blue balls from an incredibly early verison of Squish7.com now nonexistent on Earth are closer than they appear. No purchase necessary. Some assembly required. Color may develop before fully viewed.