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        This the famous story of Sid and the purple turkey blabo
beans. Many years ago, the ancient Egyptians told this story
to their children, believing that it held a deep, hidden
meaning. Some historians claim that it contains the meaning
of life, while others think it contains instructions for
world peace. Still others believe deep down inside that it's
a new recipe for fruitcake. In any case, here it is.
Perhaps you will discover something for yourself...

by Squish
PART I: Falling Chickens
             Once upon a time, an average, every-day, though slightly
naive man named Sid was minding his own business when a big
orange chicken randomly fell from the sky and hit him on the
"Oww!!" Sid exclaimed. The scruffy-looking orange
chicken was on the ground now, coughing like all big orange
chickens do when they fall from the sky and randomly hit
someone named Sid on the head.
"Oh, what a poor little chicken..." Sid grieved,
kneeling down to pat it. "What's your name, little chicken?"
"Bauk..." the chicken managed to utter it's usual animal
"And where did you come from?"
"Who did this to you?"
"Well, I promise you I'll find this "Bauk" and when I do
I'll make him pay for this!!"
"Bauk...." the chicken uttered, then coughed up some
purple turkey blabo beans, and died; it's last thought being,
"Oh, what a moron". The purple turkey blabo beans looked
exactly like what they were: purple turkey blabo beans.
"Hmmm... what are these?" Sid asked himself, and picked
up the blabo beans. "Whoever fed these to the chicken must
be the one who killed it! I must find this 'Bauk' and seek
revenge!!" He popped one of the beans in his mouth. "Mmmm,
tastes pretty good..."

MEANWHILE, in a dark alleyway...

"Did you get the jewel?" a tall man in a dark cloak with
a hood asked a chubby, ugly, purple-haired freakish person
that was wearing an Australian necklace that he got from his
great-grandmother for a present one day with cute little
colorful beads and a piece of string going through them --
European string to be exact -- extracted from the finest
brown sheep in Australia -- in fact, speaking of string, did
you know that string was originally used by the early
Europeans to stick up their noses to pretend that they were
early Europeans with string up their noses? In fact, the
male elephants of the time also stuck string up their trunks
to attract females, but that's a totally different story...
"Yes, I got it..." the ugly person replied in a coarse
voice, whispering.
"Good. Hand it over," the tall man barked.
"Are you forgetting our agreement? Hand over the snot,
"Very well, here it is," said the tall man, and slowly
handed the other man a few pieces of squishy, yellowish snot.
"YES!! I HAVE IT!! THE MALTESE SNOT!!" the chubby man
exclaimed evilly, as if all the power in the world was
suddenly bestowed upon him.
"SHHH!! Not so loud! Now give me the jewel..."
"HA HA HA!" the beaded-necklace-wearer cackled. You
fool, You didn't actually think I'd give you the jewel, did
"Well, YES, actually, I did..."
"Oh, really? Okay, then, here it is," the purple-haired
man said as he handed over a shiny blue jewel.
"Excellent! With this, I can finish my life-long search
to find the purple turkey blabo beans, and this time NO ONE
will stop me! MWUHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

"Excuse me, have you seen these beans?" Sid held out his
hand, revealing the previously coughed-up purple turkey blabo
beans to a random woman walking down the sidewalk.
"No, I'm afraid I haven't, why?" replied the woman,
"I'm seeking vengeance on someone who poisoned an orange
chicken with these."
"Oh... uh, that's nice... good luck." The woman walked
on, a little bit faster than she had been walking before.
Sid walked up to another random person. "Excuse me, have you
seen these beans?" he inquired.
"No, I'm afraid haven't, why?"
"I'm seeking vengeance on someone who poisoned an orange
chicken with these."
"Well, ah... everyone needs a hobby," the second man
said, and walked on.
"Excuse me, have you seen these beans?"
"No, I'm afraid..." a third person answered. There was
a pause.
"You're afraid you haven't seen them?"
"No, I'm afraid. I'm a purple-turkey-blabo-bean-
aphobic. Get those things away from me!" The man ran off,
screaming. Sid sighed.

@ @ @

"Hey, boss, what's that there shiny green thing?" a
short, fat, orange-haired man asked a taller man in a dark
cloak with a hood. The tall man was walking speedily down a
long, blackish corridor, and the shorter man joined him and
walked by his side, trying to keep up.
"This yellow jewel, my friend," the man started, not
slowing down whatsoever, "is what will lead us to the..."
Suddenly, from no where, a loud drum roll sounded... "Purple
turkey blabo beans!!" The shorter man gasped.
"But boss, why do you want the..." (drum roll).. "Purple
turkey blabo beans?" The taller man gasped.
"Because, you idiot, I've been searching for them my
whole life. What do you think we've been _doing_ the past
sixteen years?" the two men reached the end of the hallway
which led into a large room with much electrical and
technological equipment; and lots of neat little flashing
lights. The shorter man stopped in his tracks while the
taller man walked over to a large safe.
"Uh... we've been searching for the..." (drum roll)...
"purple turkey blabo beans," replied the shorter man, in
"*GASP*... Yes, and now we finally have a method of
finding them!" The man pushed a button on the safe which
revealed a key pad with numbers. The man pushed a series of
buttons -- the combination to the giant safe -- and it
opened up. Inside was a small, rectangular black device with
a few buttons and a little screen. There was an empty space
in the middle of it about the size of a small tennis ball.
The taller man picked up the device and placed the orange
jewel in the center in the empty space. Nothing happened.
"Oh, beans! It's not working. This device is supposed
to work once the red jewel is in place!!" The shorter man
walked over to the taller man, lifted his hand to the device,
and flicked the 'on' switch. A few lights came on and the
monitor screen lit up.
"I knew that. Really."
"Of course you did, sir."
"No, really, I did... I just... forgot."
"Of course."
"Now, shorter man, fetch me-"
"Uh, excuse me, why did you just call me, 'shorter
man'?" said the shorter man.
"Well, that's what the author has been calling you."
"He has?"
"Yes. He hasn't even said what your name is yet, or
mine, for that matter."
"What a stupid author."
"I'd say so." Suddenly, a large bolt of lightning
came down and struck both of them!!
"OWW!" the taller man said. "What was that for?" That
was for calling me stupid. "Oh, come on, it was just a
little insult." Nevertheless, never insult he who has
complete control over you.
"Uh, boss, who are you talking to?" the shorter man
"Shut up, I'm talking to the author. Look, Mr. Author,
all we want are names, okay?" Why should I bother naming
you? "Because all characters in _any_ story should have
names!!" Well, I really don't feel like going to the trouble
of doing it... "This guy's stubborn," the taller man
whispered to the shorter man. Another bolt of lightning came
down and hit the taller man.
"Hey, you can hear what I'm saying even when I'm
whispering it!?" Yup. "How??" Well, for one thing, I made
you whisper it, so therefore- "Wait, hold it." What? "Let
me get this straight. You _force_ me to whisper something,
then you shoot down a bolt of lighting at me for doing it!?"
Uh... "What kind of an author are you, anyway!?" Shut up or
I'll zap you again. "All right, all right... but can we
_please_ have names!?" Well, okay. I guess...
"Boss, what's WRONG with you!? Who are you TALKING
"Shut up! He's about to give us names!"
"I told you, the author!!"
"I don't see anyone."
"Of course you don't, he's invisible."
"Oh," said the Funky Rhino.
"What kind of a name is 'Funky Rhino'!?" said Willy
Walaboo. "WILLY WALABOO!?" Sure, why not. You asked for
names. "Yeah, but not _stupid_ ones!" Fine, then, you think
of names you'd like while I switch back to a scene with Sid.
"Who's Sid?" Uh... nobody... "Hey, is he someone I'm not
supposed to know about??" Um, err.... "He is, isn't he!
I'll bet HE'S the one that has the..." (drum roll) "Purple
turkey blabo beans!" *GASP*... Look, I'm not telling you a
thing. "Fine, then." Fine.

# # #

Sid was walking down the sidewalk once more, and
went up to a man and thought he'd try a slightly different
approach asking about the beans.
"Good morning!" Sid greeted.
"No it isn't."
"Excuse me?"
"It's not a good morning. It's actually a pretty
mediocre morning. You see, at first I got a cup of coffee...
no, wait, first I woke up, yes, then I got the coffee...
sorry, no, I got up, got dressed, THEN went out to get my
coffee... yes, yes... Then I-"
"No, no, I meant 'Good Morning' as a greeting."
"Then why didn't you say so?"
"It was implied."
"Well, Mr..."
"Mr. Sid-"
"No, not Mr. Sid, just 'Sid'."
"Well Mr. Just Sid, is there something you want or is it
your hobby to randomly go around to people and tell them
they're having a good morning when they're actually not?"
"You know, people do say 'Good morning' a lot, it's
actually a very common phrase."
"Well _I've_ never heard of it."
"Anyway, I was wondering: Have you seen these beans?"
Sid held out his opened hand revealing the purple turkey
blabo beans.
"Why, yes! I have!"
"Really?? Where!?"
"Right there!" There was a short pause.
"No no no, I mean, have you seen them BEFORE?"
"Well why didn't you say that?"
"Well, it was implied."
"As a matter of fact, yes, I HAVE seen them before!"
"Really?? When!?"
"About 10 seconds ago when you showed them to me."
"No, I mean, have you seen them _BEFORE_ I showed them
to you?"
"Well why didn't you say that?"
"Well, it was implied," Sid gave a sigh, "Look, you're
not being very helpful."
"Why, thank you."
"Thank you. That was a sincere compliment. I'm highly
trained in _not_ being helpful to people. In fact, that's my
"What do you DO?"
"Well, I sleep, walk, eat, watch TV, and sometimes I
like to sit down on my kitchen floor, make quacking noises,
and pretend I'm a duck. The neighbors think I'm a bit weird,
but it's actually quite relaxing..."
"No, I mean, what do you do for a JOB?"
"Oh. Actually, you know, I forget."
"You forget what your JOB is!?"
"Yes, and I have to get going now, I'm late for work."
The man started walking away.
"Wait, but... if you forget what your job is, how are
you going to work!?"
"That's none of your business!" the man said, and
hurriedly walked away. Sid shrugged.

= = =

Have you decided on names, yet? "Well," said the tall
man, "I'd like to be called," (drum roll), "hey, would you
stop it with that stupid drum roll!? It's getting on my
nerves." Sorry. "Anyway, I want to be called: Doctor..."
(drum roll), "cut it out!!" said Doctor Cut It Out. "No, I
don't mean _name_ me Doctor cut it out, I meant: CUT IT OUT!"
Well why didn't you SAY that? "Well, it was implied..."
*Sigh*... "Anyway, I want to be called: Doctor Blabo, the
most evil, most genius, all-powerful, super-human, maddest
scientist ever to try to take over the world". And your
friend? "Um, we can just call him Bob."
"No," said Bob, "I want to be called Arthur."
"Fine," said Doctor Blabo, the most evil, most genius,
all-powerful, super-human, maddest scientist ever to try to
take over the world.
"Um, I don't think this is going to work out," Doctor
Blabo, the most evil, most genius, all-powerful, super-human,
maddest scientist ever to try to take over the world said.
You're probably right. "Of course I am." Oh shut up.
"Why don't you just abbreviate my name?" said D. "D!? You
didn't have to abbreviate it _that_ much." Sorry.
"Now, to find the purple turkey blabo beans!! This
device will lead us right to Sid!" Hey, how did you know that
Sid was the one with the beans!? "You fool, I read the part
you wrote while we were supposed to be thinking about our
names." DOH! Well, listen, just don't tell him I told you,
okay? "Sure thing. You won't have to worry about him
anyway... because soon this 'Sid' will be DEAD, _I_ will have
the blabo beans, and Earth will be _MINE_ to control! Come
on, uh... 'Arthur'..."
And so Doctor Blabo and Arthur walked out of the room,
following the signal of the device that would supposedly lead
them to the... (drum roll)... PURPLE TURKEY BLABO BEANS!
"What do you mean, 'supposedly'??" Oh, nothing...


(or not to be continued, _that_ is the question)
[... or it is not the question, _that_ is the continuation]
(this is now making no sense. if you know what's good for
you, you'll stop reading)
[actually, you _have_ to stop reading, because this is the
end of the story].
(this is the end? I thought you said it was to be
[yes, well, this is the end of part ONE...]
(well why didn't you say that?)
[well, it was imp- oh, never mind]


(didn't we already say that?)
[oh, shut up]

copyright Squish 1995