SQUISH - MONKEY AND A TAMPON

[often sung with alternate lyrics,
or improv with objects taken from audience]

It takes a monkey and a tampon
Not just a monkey, he needs a tampon
It takes a monkey and a tampon
And on occasion, a subscription to the wall street journal

It takes a florist and a kitten
To play guitar, to play guitar
Not just a florist, he needs a kitten
Cuz he's gotta have something to strum the strings with
I mean what else is he gonna use, a rake?
That'd be kinda awkward.

It takes a paraplegic and a pancake
To sing in the Opera, to sing in the Opera
Not just a paraplegic, he needs a pancake
Especially if the Opera's called "The Paraplegic and the Pancake"

Oh if you see a monkey and a tampon
Say hi but be sure to talk with class
Cuz if you mock a monkey with a tampon
He'll take that tamp' and shove it up your

Dolphin, and a half-dead hamster
To kill your Grandma, to kill your grandma
Not just a dolphin, he needs a half-dead hamster
Cuz he can't exactly kill her with his tail

Though come to think of it that would have to be a pretty violent dolphin
to kill someone's grandmother.  Then again, you don't know what the
grandmother did to him.  Maybe she put his whole family up for
scientific experimentation.  That would be a pretty significant cause
for a vendetta.  Then again, it depends what kind of experimentation it
was.  Maybe the scientists made his family have orgasmic sex with a bunch
of other dolphins.  That wouldn't be cause for revenge.  So in
retrospect, if you see a dolphin and he's gonna kill someone's grandmoher
with a half-dead hamster, you better make sure the experimentation
she put his family up for was cool experimentation and not cruel
experimentation, cuz otherwise he wouldn't be justified in killing her.

It takes a Buddhist and a chainsaw
To cancel Bingo, to cancel Bingo
Not just a Buddhist, he needs a chainsaw
Cuz if the old ladies in the nursing home
get really ticked at him for wrecking the
one good thing in their tuesday nights,
and gang up on him to give him a beating,
He can always threaten to *use* the chainsaw
And hold them off

Oh if you see an demon with a dildo
Say hi but be sure to talk with class
Cuz if you deck a demon with a dildo
He'll take the tamp and shove it up your
He'll take the tamp and shove it up your

Monkey, and a tampon
Not just a monkey, he needs a tampon
It takes a monkey, and a tampon
And on occasion, a subscription to the encyclopedia galactica