squish7 / laughs

THE MYSTERIOUS VENDING MACHINE

From choyt@cs.uml.edu Thu Jan 21 00:49:32 1999
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 00:49:31 -0500 (EST)
From: squish <choyt@cs.uml.edu>
Reply-To: squish <choyt@cs.uml.edu>
To: young george lucas <jvogel@titan.liunet.edu>, 
    your average joe <jgryglik@cs.uml.edu>, bill <wkiszka@cs.uml.edu>, 
    kornflake <Kristen_Kerouac@student.uml.edu>, 
    harvard boy <jmccray@fas.harvard.edu>, 
    that weird beverly person <b.park@geac.com>, 
    the next steve vai <xenophage@hotmail.com>, 
    kapunga list <kapunga-list@mit.edu>, gino <ginog@sprintmail.com>, 
    greg <larenthan@aol.com>, speedy <rfinne2253@aol.com>
Subject: technology

okay, 1999: they can clone animals, they can construct weapons the size of
a breadbox that can blow up states, they can build computers which
can produce millions of calculations a second, they can even manipulate
our very genetic structure, so WHY THE HELL CAN THEY STILL NOT DESIGN A
MACHINE THAT WILL DROP A FUCKING BOX OF JUNIOR MINTS DOWN TWO FUCKING
FEET WITHOUT GETTING STUCK RIGHT BEFORE IT DROPS SO YOU HAVE TO SLAM THE
DAMN THING AGAINST THE WALL OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU FINALLY GIVE UP AND
BUY ANOTHER ONE ONLY TO HAVE THE SECOND ONE GET STUCK TOO SO YOU HAVE TO
BUY *THREE* OF THEM JUST TO GET YOUR DAMN MONEY'S WORTH AND THEN END
UP GIVING ONE OF THEM AWAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE THREE AND THE PERSON STANDING
NEXT TO YOU GETTING A CUP OF WATER DOESN'T HAVE ANY AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT *TWO* TO BEGIN WITH AND NOW YOU PAID THREE
TIMES AS MUCH FOR ONE LOUSY FUCKING BOX OF JUNIOR MINTS WHICH WAS ABSURDLY
OVERPRICED TO *BEGIN* WITH!?!?  ANYONE??

squish!

"I am relieved... I was beginning to think that I had misjudged you, and
 that you were normal after all."

					     - Kornflake, to me



From jvogel@titan.liunet.edu Thu Jan 21 12:06:45 1999
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 12:06:27 -0500 (EST)
From: His Royal Highness <jvogel@titan.liunet.edu>
To: squish <choyt@cs.uml.edu>
Cc: your average joe <jgryglik@cs.uml.edu>, bill <wkiszka@cs.uml.edu>,
        kornflake <Kristen_Kerouac@student.uml.edu>,
        harvard boy <jmccray@fas.harvard.edu>,
        that weird beverly person <b.park@geac.com>,
        the next steve vai <xenophage@hotmail.com>,
        kapunga list <kapunga-list@MIT.EDU>, gino <ginog@sprintmail.com>,
        greg <larenthan@aol.com>, speedy <rfinne2253@aol.com>
Subject: Re: technology

   As a matter of fact I believe I have an answer to your query.  You see,
my personal theory is that vending machines are running microsoft software
behind their innocent exterior.  Sure, they look nice and friendly with
all their pretty candies lined up to temp you, but just beneith that
little pannel with the buttons their is a little chip running "Vendo's
98".
   This program allows for multitasking so that you can by two or more
candies simultaniously, unfortunately, the bugs have not all been worked
out, so occassionally the machine crashes.  Also their are compatibility
problems with data input reception (i.e. it won't won't take your fucking
dollar either.)
   So, what happens to all your extra money that the vending machine is
sucking away from you?  Don't worry, it's going to good use.  Vending
machine companies around the world are racing to find a solution to the
Y2K bug, which, if left unchecked, would cause all the vending machines
around the world to malfunction at the start of the year 2000.  The only
candy that would come out the machine would be M&M's because they are
the only official candy of the new millenium.  Wierd, huh?
   Anyway, I would love to give you more details about the inner workings
of vending machines, but two men in black suits just walked in wearing
"Vendo's 98" pins on their collars.  I may be in big trouble...


    [ TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN OUR HERO BATTLES VENDO-BOT, THE EVIL VENDING
MACHINE SUPER-VILLIAN. ]

					-Josh

-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=

 "First I was a hopeless romantic.  Then I was just hopeless.  I tried 
being just romantic, but nothing happened.  Now I'm just charming.  I 
hope it works out."
                           C.W. Poster Boy
                           Long Island University
                           New York (yeah. New York.)

-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=


From: Beverly Park <ParkB@eng.nashua.us.geac.com>
To: squish <choyt@cs.uml.edu>, His Royal Highness <jvogel@titan.liunet.edu>
Cc: that weird beverly person <b.park@geac.com>, gino <ginog@sprintmail.com>,
your average joe <jgryglik@cs.uml.edu>,
harvard boy <jmccray@fas.harvard.edu>,
kapunga list <kapunga-list@mit.edu>,
kornflake <Kristen_Kerouac@student.uml.edu>, greg <larenthan@aol.com>,
speedy <rfinne2253@aol.com>, bill <wkiszka@cs.uml.edu>,
the next steve vai <xenophage@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: technology HA!


No! No! You're wrong! Quite Mad in fact. The truth of the matter is ----
it's a conspiracy!!!!

The triumvirate has placed highly sensitive monitoring devices inside these,
seemingly innocent, vending machines. In knowing circles we refer to them
as --------> "Observers".

Placed in strategic locations (not every one is an "Observer") such as
laundrymats and schools, etc.... anywhere that the user would be most likely
to act true to their nature. Thereby, these highly place powers who rule
all can best analyse the human spirit, emotional, irrational, malnourished
even, at it's weakest most vulnerable.

Using this data they can then create an army of trained killers using the
most cunning and irate aspects of the human nature as demonstrated on the
--------------> "Observers".

Beware, be warned!

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