SURVEYS: THE 3rd SET
Wed Nov 10 17:33:13 1999
From: "Kristen L. Kerouac"
2. Age: once a year... 20 times over so far
7. Favorite phrases: um, spaghetti? bork!!! knock it off! marshmellow?
shnifty! why, that's mighty beefy, beefier than any meat by product i've
ever seen! roll that beautiful bean footage!! great googlimooglies!
beast, you sneezed your spots off! MMMM! i like to EAT it!! mad kewl!
AND most importantly: WHO LOVES YA BABY?!?!?!
9. Favorite soap opera: Mr. Bubbles and the Three Tenors ("la la LA!!!
someone's been sleeping in MY tub!!!")
15. Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak? umm, thanks anyway, but i'm not
hungry right now.
21. If you were stranded on a deserted island, what cartoon character would
you want to be with? hmmm, my friend squish.
[note from squish: this is the highest compliment i have ever recieved]
22. Favorite Nick at Nite show: that's past my bedtime.
29. Do you know what http stands for? handy trendy totable pockets!
30. How bout ftp? find the poptarts!
32. Have you ever had an out of body experience? yeah. i was a fish. in a
box. demanding restitution.
37. Where do you sleep? uh, under a table on the 4th floor of channel 7 in
the intern room.
45. Do you bite your nails? MMMM! like to EAT it!
46. Do you bite your toe nails? that's not safe to do this day in age,
times being what they are.
47. Do you bite other people's toe nails? not intentionally.
52. Viper or Porsche? i want to be able to get into the car before it
drives away without me, thank you!
61. Bert or Ernie? rubber duckie!!!
62. Who would win in a fight, the Ninja Turtles or George of the Jungle? i
think they'd call it a draw and exchange recipies.
66. Britney Spears: no thanks, still not hungry.
71. Can you make that choo choo train noise by blowing into your hands? the
noises i make are far kewler than that. ; )
73. Who's the most famous person you've met? squish.
74. Are you mentally stable? instability is a sure fire cure for boredom.
76. Have you ever walked in on your parents? yeah. to this day i am
wondering where they got all that velcro from. j/k... no!!!
78. Do you cry at movies? yeah, i'm a sucker for rolling credits.
79. Best pickup line: If i told you you have a beautiful smile, would you
think i was trying to pick you up? because, you do, and i am.
80. Worst pickup line: is that a mirror in your pocket, because i swear i
can see myself in your pants.
81. Write a short poem about a farm animal: it isn't legal, to shave a
82. Do you wish on shooting stars? i gave that up. i kept wishing on
planets by accident. i ran up one heck of an intergallactic bill doing that.
83. Do you find Tinkerbell sexy? no, i know fairies far sexier than she.;)
86. Did you know bees and dogs can smell fear? dogs smell food. bees smell
90. Yes or No? or.
91. Have you ever felt the urge to crossdress? i didn't have a choice in
94. Are you a paraplegic? I pledge my allegiance.
Wed Nov 10 14:58:38 1999
> 2. Age: old enough to have sex, young enough not to need dentures.
> 3. Sex: what is the physical act of making love to another person. i'll
take "political idiots" for 300, alex.
> 8. Favorite teletubbie: TINKY WINKY! (i know him personally).
> 9. Favorite soap opera: Spectrum! (umass gay group)
> 14. Favorite game show: "Name that denture adhesive"
> 16. How old is Vanna White? old enough to have sex, young enough not to
> 18. Is your hair its natural color? no but my wig is.
> 20. Tattoos? wasn't that a star wars planet or something?
> 21. If you were stranded on a deserted island, what cartoon
character would you want to be with? well, if I'M a cartoon
character (kornflake put _me_ down for this answer), then kornflake
is *DEFINITELY* a cartoon character, so kornflake, for sure. and
if not her, then at least her swedish dog.
> 23. Do you dream of Jeanie? the big blue fat guy from disney's alladin?
no, but now that i think of it, if kornflake wasn't available, HE'D
definitely be my next choice for cartoon character to be stuck with
since he could get me off the island. then again alladin's pretty
cute, so maybe him. but of course that would be more fun if the
geenie turned him gay first but i doubt he'd ever wish for that.
then again, if i were straight, i'd wish myself gay, so who knows.
what was the question again?
> 24. Then who do you dream about? freddie, ryan, tom, brad, all my
boyfriends, sam, kevin, kornflake (but only 2.5% of the time), and
that cute guy from the Sprint PCS magazine ad, standing in the
> 28. What's a good question for #28? What's a good question for #28?
> 29. Do you know what http stands for? handle the teapots properly
> 30. How bout ftp? "fuck THIS, pedro!"
> 31. What would Jesus do? i've often asked myself that quesiton, you
know, like when i absolutely can't find a clean pair of socks
anywhere and i have to leave in five minutes. i'll ask "hmmm. what
would jesus do if he were me?" -- but it doesn't really matter,
because if jesus was gay and agnostic, the christians would have a lot
bigger things to worry about than the fact that he can't find a
clean pair of socks.
> 32. Have you ever had an out of body experience? well i think my soul
was anally probed by aliens once. it's a very touchy subject i
don't like to talk about it. i also get an out of body experience
every time someone calls me by my real name, and whenever i look
in the mirror.
> 36. Dawson's Creek? only me and sam, but that's because we're both gay.
> 47. Do you bite other people's toe nails? when i'm drunk.
> 48. Will you bite my toe nails? depends how cute you are and how drunk i
> 53. Do you have a computer? yes but i don't like it; i think it's
smarter than i am.
> 54. Occupation: mock student (pretends to go to class and do
schookwork but really just sits on his ass all day doing things like
filling out surveys with stupid answers)
> 59. N'Sync or 98 Degrees? well they're ALL gay so i'll take the one from
98 degrees whith the black cap. and no, i'm not one of those
strange people who actually knows his name.
> 62. Who would win in a fight, the Ninja Turtles or George of
the Jungle? punky brewster would jump in the middle of it and
kick ALL their asses
> 64. Have you ever shaved your head? i don't have any hair growing on
my-- oh, THAT head. no, never.
> 66. Britney Spears: hot hot hot hot hot oh wait i'm gay
> 68. Does Pepsi One taste like crap to you too? i don't know, i drank two.
> 70. Will you marry me? are you freddie, ryan, tom, brad, one of my
boyfriends, sam, kevin, kornflake, or that cute guy from the sprint
PCS magazine ad standing in the orange laundramat?
> 71. Can you make that choo choo train noise by blowing into
your hands? no but i can make really cool noises by poking various
parts of kornflake
> 74. Are you mentally stable? yes, but certain people have said otherwise
(i've since tortured and killed those people, and eaten their
> 75. Have you ever hit a parked car? no but one hit ME once
> 78. Do you cry at movies? every time a cute guy dies
> 79. Best pickup line: "do i make you horny, baby?"
> 80. Worst pickup line: "do i make you horny, baby?"
> 81. Write a short poem about a farm animal:
[see The Cow in main humor page; I wrote it just for this survey]
> 84. Do I make you horny baby? are you freddie, ryan, tom, brad, one of
my boyfriends, sam, kevin, kornflake, or the cute guy from the
sprint PCS magazine ad standing in the orange laundramat?
> 86. Did you know bees and dogs can smell fear? did you know that dogs
take dumps then lick their asses?
> 91. Have you ever felt the urge to crossdress? only at axis monday nights.
> 92. Have you ever eaten a small child? yes, she was one of the ones who
said i wasn't mentally stable.
> 95. Have you ever fainted? yes, i was walking a tightrope in front of
thousands of watchers without a safety net and the pressure just got
> 96. Have you ever been in love? yes. with freddie, ryan, tom, brad, all
of my boyfriends, sam, kevin, kornflake, and that cute guy from the
sprint PCS magazine ad standing in the orange laundramat.
> 99. Do you believe in life after love? do you believe dove soap actually
has a fourth moisturizing cream? i think they just say that to sell
> 100. Ok, that's it, you're done, doesn't that make you feel so
darn proud of yourself? i'm sick of this survey i'm not answering
any more questions.
Wed Nov 10 14:58:57 1999
From: Josh Rosenthal
> > 1. Name: Balthazar, or Joshabunga, or You Fucking Moron
> > 2. Age: I don't think I'm old enough to answer this question
> > 5. Birthplace: Joshopolos, Joshabungia
> > 8. Favorite teletubbie: The purple one that sings "I love you, you
> > 9. Favorite soap opera: The one with the Vikings in the bubble bath
> > 12. Favorite planet: The pleasure planet near Antares
> > 17. Tu quieres Taco Bell? Yo quiero Jennifer Lopez
> > 18. Is your hair its natural color? I have hair? Oh, yes, I do
> > 19. Any piercings? Yep, my ******s and my ****...hey...Squish!
Get off me! AHHHHHHHHH!
> > 20. Tattoos? All of my skin is tattooed. In actuality, it is green
with golden stripes
> > 22. Favorite Nick at Nite show: Why the heck would I stay up late to
watch some TV show about a guy named
Nick? Now if it was Nat at Nite, I'd
be there every time and have
videotapes of every episode
> > 23. Do you dream of Jeanie? Once I did, but the bitch really screwed
up my wishes, and that's why I have a
sock for my left ear now
> > 24. Then who do you dream about? Nat at Nite! And sometimes I
streak through Squish's dreams to
> > 27. Am I going to hell (I'm actually interested in this one, so
> answer if you know)? After sending me this fucking survey you bet
your bony butt you are
> > 29. Do you know what http stands for? hold the tomatoes please
> > 31. What would Jesus do? Send you to hell for sending this fucking
> > 35. Does anyone still watch South Park? No (hiding my beefcake and
cheesy poofs tshirts)
> > 36. Dawson's Creek? If he's creeking, perhaps he needs oil, yah?
> > 37. Where do you sleep? Hanging from the ceiling, like everyone else
> > 39. Do you take showers? Of course I do you sick bastard what kind
of smelly goon do you think I am!
> > 40. Have you ever given yourself a haircut? Yes, while blindfolded
too, that's why my sock-ear has a big
hole in it
> > 49. Favorite movie: the one with me naked with a chick that should
go into production any year now
> > 50. Favorite sex scene: the one in the movie with me naked with a
chick that should go into production any
> > 51. Sports car or minivan? space shuttle
> > 54. Occupation: only when I don't eat enough roughage
> > 62. Who would win in a fight, the Ninja Turtles or George of
> the Jungle? The purple teletubbie from question 8
> > 66. Britney Spears: Oh bay-bah bay-bah, how was I oh wait a minute
she's a stupid slut with a bad boob job and a
worse singing voice but wait that Catholic
schoolgirl outfit is kind of sexy and okay go
away now while I look at www.britneyspears.com
> > 68. Does Pepsi One taste like crap to you too? No, crap has a more
> > 69. Do the Dew? Only with yew
> > 70. Will you marry me? after we do the dew!
> > 72. Who would Jesus do? Natalie Portman, of course
> > 75. Have you ever hit a parked car? Aye, with a big fuckin' rock
> > 81. Write a short poem about a farm animal:
I have a sheep
My sheep is asleep
Asleep in a heap without a peep
> > 89. Who, what, where, when, why, and how ? You, sex, here, now,
because, and however you want it baby!
> > 91. Have you ever felt the urge to crossdress? Of course not. I wear
nylons and heels like any self respecting
> > 93. Most embarrassing moment: Two and a half seconds ago
> > 95. Have you ever fainted? No, especially not during the yucky part
of Face/Off. I don't know anyone who's
done that. Do you, Chris?
> > 97. Have you ever fallen out of a moving car? Yup, those bumpercars
are tricky little bastards
Wed Nov 10 14:59:40 1999
From: "Rev. David A. Reynolds"
5. Birthplace: Do I look pregnant to you?
6. Favorite color: Am I limited to the visible spectrum? 'Cause I'm really
fond of the color of blue on a Nestea can in a lightless environment.
8. Favorite teletubbie: What the fuck is a teletubbie?
9. Favorite soap opera: bathroom duck/toilet duck ads.
12. Favorite planet: pluto, cold... remote...distant... forbidding... just
like most of the women I know. either that or Venus, hot and enchanting at
night... elusive... unattainable... just like most of the women I know.
either that or Earth... close, familiar, attainable, dull, unattractive,
boring... just like the rest of the women I know.
13. Favorite time of day: What time is it now? I hate now.
15. Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak? For what? are they looking for new romulans?
25. Are you literate? This is being written by my secretary via dictation.
I have no knowledge as to whether she's making fun of me here (he's way too
cute for that) or actually writing what I'm saying. I hope she's treating
me well. (you have no idea just HOW well i treat him, he he he)
26. Is there a God? There's a Bunny. "[B] is for [bunny], that's good
enough for me. [B] is for [bunny], that's good enough for me. [B] is for
[bunny]... oh, [bunny], [bunny], [bunny] start with [B]!"
29. Do you know what http stands for? hey there tall people
30. How bout ftp? fishing takes patience
31. What would Jesus do? go fishing, he's obviously got the patience for
41. Have you ever cheated on someone? no... of course not. why, did she say
50. Favorite sex scene: pretty much any in which I'm involved.
54. Occupation: no, that ended when they withdrew.
58. Is Ricky Martin gay? i hope so. it sucks having to compete against hair
59. N'Sync or 98 Degrees? they should both be slow roasted over a pit of
61. Bert or Ernie? for what? is this a question of which one I'd rather see
used as nesting material for a family of wallmice? Honestly I'd love to
see Bert torn to pieces by his pidgeons and Ernie's never really had a
close look at a working lawnmower, has he?
66. Britney Spears: firing squad at high noon.
74. Are you mentally stable? I'm consistently mentally unbalanced... will
76. Have you ever walked in on your parents? fuck you. Y'know, some people
try to block out those things and it's really horrifying when they're
brought back up to the front of people's minds as voilently as just
happened here. If you could see me I'd be shuddering.
79. Best pickup line: hurry up, we're running late.
80. Worst pickup line: If we ignore all the shit you're stepping in here,
those are nice shoes.
81. Write a short poem about a farm animal:
92. Have you ever eaten a small child? I can state from personal experience
that children, although something of a delicacy, are not very good. In
general, kids are tough and stringy, without much meat.
97. Have you ever fallen out of a moving car? jumped out a few times. been
run over once. climbed out the sunroof and moved to another moving car
exactly once. caught up to and climbed onto/into a moving car a few
times... but i've never fallen out of a moving car. stationary cars... now
that's a different story.
98. Do you pick up hitchhikers? i pick on hitchhikers, and that's enough.
99. Do you believe in life after love? that's the distinction. life is when
you're aware of reality. love is when you're not.
Wed Nov 10 15:02:40 1999
From: "f. strong"
1. Name:do you mean how i think of myself, or how others refer to me?
cause if you are asking how i identify myself to myself, i don't, i simply
2. Age:the measurement of the linear progression of time since the
beginning of reality, but since reality really has no beginning, and i am
the basis of reality, i am ageless
3. Sex:the act that used to be only used in conjunction with
reproduction, but now may be used for entertainment independent of
4. Birthdate:see #2
5. Birthplace:see #4
6. Favorite color:i have no favorite color as such, i tend to prefer
images, such as the body of an enemy falling away into the fog spraying
blood across the landscape
8. Favorite teletubbie:the first one to die
10. Favorite band/musician:i like rubber bands, and i think musicians
have no concept of reality(hence they become musicians) and therefor
cannot respect or like them in any real sense, although i can enjoy thier
11. Favorite color m&m:i hate all m&ms except for the large
cannibalistic m&ms show on television
13. Favorite time of day:time is meaningless
15. Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak?i prefer the yacko, and the wheel of
16. How old is Vanna White?
sorry, vanna whites age is impossible to determine because windows crashed
while the program was compiling
26. Is there a God? again no, since i am reality, and the tangible
things already take up almost all of the processing capacity
29. Do you know what http stands for? help the tazmanian parrots
30. How bout ftp? folded toilet paper
34. Do you watch Saturday morning cartoons? in my expert psychiatric
opinion anyone who doesn't like to see anvils dropping on people is insane
36. Dawson's Creek? squish is the only person i know who would admit to
38. Do you video tape yourself in the shower? i was young and needed the
58. Is Ricky Martin gay? does it matter? he should just be shot
59. N'Sync or 98 Degrees? do i have to choose? or can i just kill them
79. Best pickup line: i would drag my testicles through two miles of
broken glass to masturbate in your shadow, can i have your phone number?
80. Worst pickup line:see #79
81. Write a short poem about a farm animal:
isn't old macdonald a nice guy?
86. Did you know bees and dogs can smell fear? yeah, it smells like
richard simmons right after he finishes sweating to the oldies
95. Have you ever fainted? no, not even during face off