There's a school where the rules used to be fair
But when everything changed at the start of the year
All freedom was lost, the students in rage
At the prison they're kept in, an animal cage.
Elsewhere you get one detention, no more
For skipping; at this school you get thirty-four.
But that's nothing, there's worse at this school where the rules
Are so strict and unfair that only a fool
Would choose to betray one, for fear of his life
Or eternal damnation, pain, horror, and strife.
For example, perhaps you had come to school late
Just a minute, the cause was that you had to wait
For your poor little sister, who'd slammed her poor knee
Or your dog, who had taken an extra long pee
Or you stopped to comfort your mother from weeping
Or your alarm, with the power out, wouldn't start beeping
So you wake up late, stare at it, "Hey, something's wrong,"
"DAMNIT!" you scream, "You're supposed to turn on!"
Or maybe the water just wouldn't get hot
Or you tripped cause your laces weren't in a knot
Or you waived at your neighbor, drove by, said hello,
Or maybe you shoveled through eight feet of snow
And scraped the car windows, thinking it cruel
That the superintendant had not cancelled school.
In any case, say that you're there in the hall
Just a few mintues late, understandably stalled
You rush to your homeroom to get there on time
You shake at the thought of committing this crime
You think you're alright, then in front of you, "hey!"
A big group of students is blocking your way
They're walking in the same direction as you
But at a fourth of your pace, and they're humungous jocks, too
You think they're probably all doing drugs
Cause they slowly ooze down the hallway like slugs
But soon, you find a way through, and you flee --
To make it on time to room four-twenty-three
And then, there it is-- near room four-twenty-four
Horray! The bell rings as you walk in the door
But the class is disturbed, they're shaking their heads
"You fool! How COULD you!?" one of them says.
"What's wrong," you exclaim, standing there stunned,
"I was inside the door when the tardy bell rung!"
Mr. Grimm smiles cruelly at the delinquent he's caught
"Yes," he replies, "But your shoelace was not!"
And then you look down, and scream as you see
Your loose shoelace hanging OUT of room four-twenty-three!
"It's just an inch out, no wait, just a half!"
"I don't make the rules" comes the hideous laugh.
"This offense, I'm sorry, I can't let it be.
I'm afraid I must send you to room sixty-three!"
"Dear LORD! Not room sixty-three!" screams the class
They beg and they plead to him on your behalf
But alas, mercy is not to be found
To the evil school laws the teachers are bound
So you're taken away to room sixty-three
As you scream down the hallway, "Oh God, why me!?"
You arrive at the room from the cold empty halls,
A dungeon, with skeletons and blood on the walls.
"WHY ARE YOU TARDY!?" comes the echoing cry.
"My shoe," you explain, "My lace was untied."
"My mother, she weeped; my alarm wouldn't beep;
"My sis broke her knee, and my dog would not pee;
"My car broke down, I'm tired, and sick,
"And oh my poor auntie -- she fell off a cliff!"
"ALL UNACCEPTABLE!" and you yell, "For God's sake!
Please understand, it was just a mistake!"
You peer through their eyes, their stares cold and pale,
To find a bit of humanity in their souls, but you fail.
They call for the guards, and you know you are dead.
Then they take you away, and they chop off your head!
So beware! But if you're already trapped in this school,
Read the handbook with care, and follow the rules!
Yet if no help for this school is found soon,
If someone can't save us, my God, we're all doomed!