MAN'S BEST BEAST: Abercrombie & Fitch & Bestiality
(a.k.a. "beastiality" to the retards)  ||  
A&F: Please see copyright notice below

Try the same humor with only 7% percent of the crudeness!*
frangles.com x1 [*no dogs or defamation incl.] - now going mobile, too

2011 March
 
You dog-humping sickos are still dominating my web stats after all these years.  The mathematical absurdity is becoming intrinsically inexpressible in written language.  Suffice to say, it's like working at Microsoft and seeing a dirty intern memo from 10 years ago appear above "Microsoft.com/Windows7" and knowing that selling the company to fund a dirty memo business might not be an unprofitable idea. I'm starting to reconsider my career choice of a careful balance between crude comedy, fetus-friendly comedy, and abnormal psychology.  That is to say, I should probably be putting all my efforts into the latter two to offer humanitarian aid to all you sick !@#$s who still google stuff like "sex lingerie poodle dog fuck" and "Is bestiality illegal, because my dog wants a blow job and I'm worried someone might walk in if I can't get him off in time, and I don't want to tease him".  At least you're not alone...
 

Anyway, if anyone out there actually finds this general style of humor funny rather than using it as an excuse to stare blankly at the heavily legally armoured  pictures (aka the deal with dirty magazines... "Playdog"?), feel free to wash your soul with some society-accepted and non- psychiatric- ward- admittable humor, via Frangles.com & Frangles.mobi.  The latter is probably great for you because if you google this shit, you.. are.. !@#$ing bored.  Here are two pages on the upper end of the adult spectrum of our reading material.  It's not much compared to this page, but they light candles to the issues of society-innaproprite etiquette, and are much safer to read at work... or home... or anywhere, even... Remember, dog-fuckers: Santa, God, & the government watch people like you especially closely.
 
 

 2008 Squish7.com/dog Search Engine Phrase Report   (my favorites are highlighted)
...
guys with puppies
naked guys on dogs
mans best friend naked
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mans best friend fucking
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2008 December

Well, it's the end of the year, and I'm so shocked at how many fucked up ways you can type in "beastiality" into a search engine that I've actually listed just about everything people typed in just to discover this page, roughly in order from January to December.  
Out of about 600 things direct URLs typed in your browser bar for my domains, this page was fourth.  It was topped only by my philosophy thesis, frisbee main page, and list of pyschiatrists I host for a state mental health group in my area.  (And in the past few months I even unlinked this from my site; the only way to get here is to search for the above or type a url directly)

Personally, it's no mystery why so many of you go find a therapist after reading this page.  And I wonder why my psych page is more visited?  Crack is short, but detox is long.  And why you all read my philosophy thesis more than the time you spend humping animals is even more obvious: obsession with this shit lands you all in existential crises about the ethics of looking it up.  So, please make it your 2009 resolution to read some Plato and Freud and stay the hell away from this stuff.


By the way, beastiality is spelt "bestiality" (hence the pun Man's Best Beast) and you illlleritate fuckers are still typing it in despite my comments and I still have split my brilliant SEO between the two.  (With the above list, I'll finally get to see whether google penalizes for mass repetition of similar phrases).  So, if you're going to hump animals, please don't put your a-hole in "beAstiality."

FYI, I made a cute inncocent dog cuddling page this year for the five people who find this page offensive.


This is an actual picture from an old Abercrombie and Fitch summer catalog. Now we all know that A&F's advertising is intentionally abnormally erotic, and all the straight, gay, bi, and transexual males and females and animals (i.e. everybody), alllove A&F for just that reason, but for God's sake, isn't this a bit much? Don't get me wrong, dogs can look cute with guys; as a confused psycho bisexual I love pics of shirtless guys guys cuddling puppies (see above link for proof), but this is just plain wrong. I mean, what's next, pedophilia ads?  In any case, this picture just screams for it's own humor page, so here it is. Enjoy!  But not too much.

I'd post the nice big hi res version I have of this but that's like a druggie giving his younger brother too much booze (I'm really nuts, trust me, you're just slightly nuts), but a larger version borders my legal right to commentary.  If you absolutely must be a sick frak*, just remember to doghump responsibility, and make it a 70 proof Alpo.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE -- I claim these pictures fall under United States' Fair Use Act via parody, commentary, minor use, educational use (kind of), and even nondefamatory nature (yes really).  If my friends can lovingly poke endless gay jokes at me, then I can do the same with A&Fs occasional animal erotica that everyone who's reading this page (who searched for it) is in love with, consciously or otherwise.  If subtle, eerily fetishy black and white art wasn't meant to attract people anyway, you wouldn't be publishing this stuff.  If A&F disagrees, please email me with an educated request respectful of comedic satire and knowlegable about an artist's legal rights to limited use of copyrighted material for many purposes.  Include an opinion of what extent of these type of humor methods you consider legal and/or allowable (lower-quality images, less defamation, less use for personal gain, etc., etc.).  This type of use is in a stone-solid gray legal limbo, hence, a polite request will more likely simply be adhered to than not.   However, a bland demand out of instinctive offense without regard or respect for the laws involved will not be adhered to.   I consider such instinctive reactions rude and unprofessional and non-reflective of a proper legal knowledge base.  Please go here for my general comments on fair use.  You may email me at the word "legal" followed by an @, followed by this domain name.  CC: the message to at least one relevant email on this contact page as well to make sure the request is recieved and processed.

shirtless naked guy with black dog

See copyright notice


12/20/08


As time goes on and my fan  base as a comedian and satirist increases exponentially by at least four people a year who accidentally click "subscribe" on my YouTube page, I get more concerned about copyright issues.  I can only think of three reasons this page is still up: one, they don't know, two, they couldn't care less, and three, because I claim the legal right to parody as listed above.  In any case, since this is one of the only pieces of junk on five domains and 150 pages anyone passionately cares about, why not expand it.  So, here's a new commentary: a hallucination of what it would be like to go to court if I ever became an established enough comedian for them to bother with (I'm not saying A&F are meanies because I'm sure they're nice friendly people, but, just respectively and theoretically...).  Maybe I'll be bored enough to write more stuff, so check back.

The case of Abercrombie and Fitch vs Squish on the issue of naked dog copyright infringement is now in session.  Please rise for the honorable judge...  No, I mean stand up.  Alright, sit.  SIT.  Good boys.

Judge: What is your case against the defendant?

A&F: Your honor, we feel Squish's use of our catalog picture to make defamatory statements about Abercrombie & Fitch does not adhere to copyright law and that the Fair Use Act does not apply, due to the criteria of excessive use of material (the entire picture), negative contribution to the general pool of public art, and defamatory nature to the publisher and photographer.

Judge: Let me see the picture...

Judge: Hmmm.   Hmmmm.

A&F: Your honor?

Judge: Hmmmmmm.  I'll let the defendent say a word here.  SPEAK.

Squish: Well, firstly my jokes at A&F are respectful.  I'm just poking fun.  I love A&F and I'm sure so does anyone who visits the page.  Even this fictional and humorous court hearing is respectful and fun.  I'm a comedian and believe the Fair Use Act allows me the right of parody, commentary, nondefamatory and positive influence on Abercrombie & Fitch, and positive contribution to the general pool of public art.

Judge: You looked that up on Wikipedia, didn't you?

Squish: Yes, your honor.

Judge: You probably say that a lot just to scare away the fact that you're a brainless retard who can't come with anything original other than needlessly trashing others' art, don't you?

Squish: Yes, your honor.  Especially on YouTube.

Judge: A&F, what exactly is this picture's intention?

A&F: It's an artistic advertisement in a clothing catalog, your honor.

Judge: Well yes, I can see that.  But just to be crystal clear, you're a clothing company, yes?

A&F: Yes, your honor.

Judge: Do you market any pet stores?

A&F: No, your honor.

Judge: Beach housing complexes?

A&F: No, your honor.

Judge: Sun tan lotion?

A&F: No, your honor.

Judge: Dog bubble bath wash?

A&F: No, your honor.

Judge: Flea & tick spray?  Heartworm pills?  NSPCA stock investment?

A&F: None, your honor.

Judge: So, just to be titanium adamantium clear, this is a picture of a wet naked man humping a wet dog in the middle of the ocean?

A&F: Yes.

Judge: And this helps to sell clothing?

A&F: Yes your honor.

Judge: So, the idea is, perhaps the naked man should be wearing your clothes because it's innapropriate to be naked humping a wet animal?

A&F: Something like that.

Judge: And perhaps clothing would prevent any physical contact with the dog, so this also would be beneficial?

A&F: As you say.

Judge: I understand now.  It is so apocalyptically clear in my mind that I think I've partially ascended to another higher logical plane of existence.  BUT, just to be indestructable-ring-of-sauron-clear, this is a picture of a wet naked guy humping a big black wet dog to advertise dry, human clothing, that one wears so as to not be naked or wet?

A&F: We've established that, your honor.

Judge: Is there a higher resolution of this picture?

A&F: Um.

Squish: Huh?

A&F: Uh.

Squish: Actually, I scanned a larger one, here.

Judge: I wonder how much a gold frame this size costs.

A&F: Um.

Squish: Huh?

Judge: Case dismissed.

Squish: But you didn't even make a deci--

Judge: Go lay down.

A&F: Your honor, if you could just dec--

Judge: GO LAY DOWN.



Original Deep Thoughts


WHAT THE DOG MIGHT
BE THINKING

1. Oooo this feels good... little to the left... little to the right... oh yeah
2. How the HELL did I manage to get out here in the middle of the ocean pressed against a naked guy's dick?
3. He better be wearing a condom
4. "No animals were harmed during the shooting of this picture" my ASS. When he's done back there I won't be able to shit for a week!
5. I LOVE naked guys!
6. I want a biscuit
7. Isn't this illegal or something? Where's my lawyer? I MUST have some kind of rights here
8. I'm being pressed against a naked Abercrombie model; they say all dogs go to heaven but I can't imagine heaven being any better than THIS! Oh, YEAH!
9. Duhhhh
10. I wonder if I'd get in the news if I bit this guy's dick off?




POSSIBLE AD SLOGANS

1. Fuck anything you want and make it a bud light.
2. 452,000 animals die each year from human sexual abuse. It's time we made bestiality history.
3. Fuck animals. And buy our clothes, too
4. Poodle cock. The other white meat.
5. Friends don't let friends drink and fuck animals.
6. got dog?




QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

1. What was going through the photographer's head right before he said, "Take off all your clothes and go fuck that dog over there in the water" ?
2. What was going through the model's mind right before he replied, "okay" ?
3. What was going through the editors' minds when they saw the photo and said, "Nice pic! Let's put it in!"
4. What is A&F trying to promote here, dogwear?
5. Is this just a hint that A&F is soon going to release a national line of Abercrombie pet stores? Could America survive the sure-to-follow animal homoerotic ad campaign?
6. What kind of sick fuck liked this picture so much that he devoted a whole webpage to it?
7. What kind of sick fuck am I for reading it?

WHAT THE GUY MIGHT
BE THINKING

1. I REALLY hope my friends don't see this catalog
2. Boy, this chick's hot. Now where did I tut my pequilla?
3. Hey, wow, my dick looks like a big black dog!
4. I wonder if I'd get in the news if this dog bit my dick off.
5. Damn I'm hot!
6. Oooo this feels good
7. How the hell did I get out here in the middle of the ocean with no clothes on and a dog pressed against my dick!?
8. I love this job
9. Where the hell's my bathing suit! Shit, I better grab this dog and cover up my crotch until I find it. Come here, Fido... good boy. Now where the hell's my-- HEY there's a cute chick i better smile
10. Wow this viagra really works
11. I wonder if energizer batteries really DO last longer than duracel
12. Good boy. Goooood doggie. Goooood BOY! yEs! YES, oOh, YES!!



SHAKESPEARE

To fuck dog in public, or not to fuck dog in public, that is the quesiton. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the looks and screams of outrageous public humiliation, or to take up social campaigning against bestiality, and by opposing, end it...

What a piece of work is dog! How noble in slobbering, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how like a model; in action how slick and sexy; in penetration how like a god! The beauty of the world, the hot sexy animals -- but what of man? Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, only dog.



DOES SUBLIME SUPPORT BESTIALITY?

Sure, Sublime's song "What I got" seems harmless enough on the surface.  But it's really all about beastiality.

"Life’s too short so love the one ya got cause [he] might get run over or [he] might get shot"

"Lovin's what i got, it's within my reach"

"Livin with louie dog's the only way to stay sane"

"I don't cry when my dog run's away...let the lovin come back to me... lovin' is what I got."



fitch catalog picture
See copyright notice



A&F QUARTERLY
...
"SEEKING SERIOUS FUN"


Here's another one.  I just don't get it.  It's not exactly subliminal advertising when the photographer obviously said "Okay Brad, now go hump the soapy golden lab by the bucket of water, but don't take your shorts off, bestiality is illegal."  How much subtler can you get other than actually writing "Seeking seriously soapy lab humping while my best friend's fiance hoses me down and Tommy looks on deciding which glare to block from his eyes: the bright sun, or the telepathic aura of the dog emitting 'Please, God, not again.  Don't just stand there.  Tommy, I thought you were my best friend.  Well, if dogs didn't go straight to milkbone nirvana anyway, I sure as bloody hell deserve it after being ass rammed by three sick whackos.... Tommy?' "

After much thought with decent experience in psychology, bestiality web hosting, gay sex, and abuse from straight jocks, I think I finally get it.  See, if you had real, actual, illegal bestiality pictures on the store walls, or quintuple x gay porn of the straight guys screwing in the locker room, then surely all the male teens would shuffle their feet and decide it's not worth the risk to go buy a t shirt.  But do the exact same things with a pair of shorts on, or the naked guys in the locker room groping each other up with their backs turned so you can't see their locker room hard ons, and it's advertising.  So, my final conclusion is this.  A&F has done the research, and concluded that all abercrombie jocks are really, really, actually that freaking dumb.  To grasp at a totally non-sequiter metaphor, we might even say... as dumb a dog.


Remember, friends don't let best friends hump puppies.

* - NOTE: I’m replacing “fuck” with “frak” here cuz that’s what they say in the new Battlestar Galactica cuz they can’t say “fuck” on TV and I think it’s a really cool substitute (plus “frak” is the first four letters of the word “fractal” if you replace the 'c' with a 'k' and I totally love fractals.  I could totally re-write my philosophy theses from a dog humping perspective), although I’m leaving all the other instances of “fuck” in this page cuz I’m just too lazy to change them all.  This leaves the age old philosophical question, should I fuck a dog or frak a dog?
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