A.D.D. -- SHOWING PEOPLE WHAT IT'S LIKE:
MY SYMPTOM LIST / JOURNAL DOCUMENTATION
LINX Abnormal Psych Brain Philosophy KYLE XY
(finding a doctor, psych rants, and chart relating ADD/BP/schizo symptoms)
EMAIL: Fix the following: sqkuiiiiish@sqkuisih(6+1).com
The following is my attention deficit disorder symptom summary and 60 pages of college journal entries; this sounds stupidly personal to post, but I am doing so for all ADDers to give people a taste of what it's like. I don't expect anyone to read more than 3% of this. Just click here and there and you'll get an idea, which can give you an idea of adult ADD, or you can do the math and imagine how this applies to child ADD.
While you can get an idea of the negatives of ADD this way, you can get an idea of the positives by glancing quickly at my site. Over the years I've accumulated over five hours of finished, readable humour material (not junk like the following), and plenty of other stuff, all just a scant handful over the years.
WHY THE FLYING CRAP AM I POSTING THIS?
Just to give people a quick idea of what we have to live with. It is very hard to demonstrate to people what it is like to live with attention deficit disorder, because the symptoms are almost completely invisible to anyone else. You could lose your job, and almost nobody, especially the doctors, care much; they all say you just don't work hard.
The only way to show people is to demonstrate somehow, and this is insanely difficult. You can't really demonstrate to anyone that you just spent 10 hours of your day doing nothing! It's a murder devoid of evidence! This is why I post this; I think it's an excellent way to get inside and get a feel for what it's like. Not just me, but everyone with ADD. Send someone here (squish7.com / add) if you want to give them some vague idea of what we go through. Also, it can demonstrate the magnitude of any other disorder: just pretend this is 60 pages of bipolar, schizophrenic, or autism journals.
Note all the following just coveres some ADD issues. Multiply this by ten other major symptoms: for instance, all in the same day, hitting the exact same detour sign four times right in a goddamn row, going down the wrong way on two different one-way streets in a town you've lived in for ten years, forgetting your keys as you left the house, leaving the car lights on after parked, and after everything, forgetting the one thing you left the house for (and that was just last Monday. I'm not making this stuff up).
Note I don't think that ADD can be fought using techniques like I try to use in these journals. After all this journaling attempting marine-like self-boot-camp techniques, just about none of them ever did a freaking thing (probably because any ADDer would flunk out of boot camp!). Then one single strong pill of a stimulant a day practically wipes away every tad of it. It is beyond insane to waste literally 85% of your life staring at a wall or scribbling, when a single stimulant can wipe away the entire cancer.
Consider that off medication, in an entire month of free time (no work or school), quite often I literally only produce a couple pages of text and maybe one song, spending all day every day trying. In a specific period of about two months on even half of proper medication (as an example), I produced the following additions to my site: 10-page paper on hyperspace, 4-page paper on color, a psych page, a frisbee page, one full song (about the same length as this one), and a chapter of a novel. If I had been medicated and doing that for 15 years, my site would be wikipedia!
But doctors quite often don't care, especially in ADD-bipolars which are tricky to treat, because these invisible symptoms--apparent only to you--don't affect them. In mental health, they usually only give a damn if you're homicidal or suicidal, because then they'll get their license taken away if they don't treat you. God forbid they care about you or something. This is not all doctors of course, but many of them, including my last two. Search and search and search until you find someone worthy of holding a psychiatric degree that gives a damn about a human being and not their own ass.
Note that not all this applies to every ADDer. I am an above average. Your average ADD friend is some fraction of this, maybe half or 2/3, etc.
List of major personal symtoms:
- In the same day, going the wrong way down two different one-way streets in a town I've lived in for ten years, hitting the same detour sign four times right in a row, forgetting my keys in the house, leaving the car light on, and then after everything, forgetting to do the one thing I left the house for.
- literally 85% of my time for fifteen years wasted scribbling. That's an 85% of a wasted decade and a half of life.
- watching every single other student in the entire high school body go home, play video games, skateboard, watch TV, then spend 90 min and do their homework, me spending every minute from end of school to bed trying to do to the same 90 min of work.
- almost every 10-day high school vacation or school break spent doing homework, catching up on homework, while others are out partying on spring break, etc
- friends telling me i'm unconsiderate, thoughtless, and cruel for "showing up late whenever the hell I want," screwing over everyone else apparently just for the fun of it, without the slightest consideration that this is due to a severe chemical condition
- infathomable lateness: at the worst, sometimes two hours late to a three hour frisbee game. missing entire events, having spent the three-hour event trying to get ready in time to at least get there for the last ten minutes.
- interfering significantly with ability to play sports and have any clue where the other players are, often forgetting which side of the field I'm supposed to be throwing the disc to.
- college teachers locking doors after five minutes so late students can't get in leaving me to miss many classes
- excessive sleepiness which I believe is connected to the dopamine chemicals somehow
- sixty pages of scattered journal entires over just two years in college furiously trying to develop techniques to fight ADD, all of which does almost no good
- etc, etc
ADD treatment (general / everyone):
- moderate to extreme dosages of stimulants or other ADD-meds
- ritalin, adderall, provigil, straterra, wellbutrin, caffeine, concerta
- being able to pay attention to "Ghost Hunters" for a full hour instead of 45 seconds
- on time to everything
- less likely to kill someone on the road in my lifetime by being distracted by a cute runner
- ability to self-regulate and self-structure my life, even with no job or work
- able to write up a lengthy paper or significant passage of novel in a few days
- strangely, I can sing much better on stimulants, they do something to my lungs or something else that allows my voice to be louder, better, a noticably better singer, I've only had one person who could ever give me a theory on why this is so.
General negative results / dangers (everyone):
- mild to severe (on high dosages) agitation or anger problems. If this is just moderate, this is not much worse than gaining 60 pounds on meds, that I had once on BP meds but didn't complain about because I was sane.
- standard physical dangers on way too much: high blood pressure / heart rate, etc.
- for some people (not all!), addiction can be a danger
ADD JOURNAL ENTRIES
This is 14 months of scattered entries within 1998 - 2001
APRIL TO MAY 1998
read through mom's oa stuff
don't focus on the outcome. mom has good stuff on
"right now, for this one moment, i will not worry
about all my work and all the results and all the
failures of my techniques on top of all that that
just add tenfold to the misery. i will simply use
[a technique] for now"
like just for today.
develop the impulse to never never never think of
grades or how bad this is going to be or how little
time i have, etc. find and learn to recognize all
these THOUGHTS that lead to EMOTIONS which lead to
hating the dark cloud which lead to distraction and
HUNT THEM DOWN. try to put yourself in a mindset
where you couldn't care less whether or not you get
an 'F' on this paper. focus on the method not the
remember: the tool of remembering that "every tiny
distraction adds up" only works when you're
enthusiastic. somehow, i talked to myself today
and finally convinced myself to have that positive
enthusiastic i-can-do-this i-can-beat-this i'm-going-
to-give-this-all-i-have attitude. like the one when
i had three weeks of physics to do in three days, and
i decided that a postive attitude was the best
weapon i could have; i could have been extremely
apathetic and ADD-like for three days, but i got
right to it and had a positive attitude and said
"i'm going to do the best i can" etc. and worked like
hell for three days. i just went step by step and
did the best i could and never got in that depressed
apathetic state. i was positive & enthusiastic.
when i'm in this mood, there's also certainly the
feeling that "i'm not going to worry about the
consequences", that is, i "remove" myself, as i like
to call it now, from (reality?) or more, removal
from concern and worry about this stuff. i basically
have the attitude "the best i can do is the best i
can do" and i just enthusiastically do the best i
can from this moment on without worrying about
consequences or results.
anyway, what i'm saying is that there are some
mental tools that only work once i get into this
positive enthusiastic no-worry state. i'm not sure
how i get INTO this state... that i'll really have
to examine. tonight, i got here by finally talking
to myself convincingly, enthusiastically... but for
a long time today i was just apathetic about it.
anyway, i had the urge to run and quickly tell paul
how cool it was that josh turned down the volume
on his TV and rehersed random improv voices to the
people on random shows on TV (he was hillarious), but
as i started to put down my book to go tell him, this
near-instantaneous impulse halted me and said, "nope!
that's another random distraction among millions. it's
the acumulation of all those thousands of distractions
that lead to all your problems! just forget about it,
come on, let's just do this work! yeah!" though that
wasn't really a speech as much as one momentary
feeling that has been evolving. what i've been trying
to say here is that this feeling, one tool among many
that i use to stop add, that voice that yanked me away
in a positive enthusiastic manner from going and saying
something to paul, can ONLY work when i'm in this
positive, removed, ethusiastic, fiercly-controling
ANOTHER tool that is only of relevance once
i'm in this state, is the comment "DON'T GO NUTS! calm
down and be removed. don't worry. just breath easily
and do your work"... aparently, when i finally convince
myself to be positive and enthusiastic, sometimes i
get TOO positive and enthusiastic almost, and it leads
to intense worry: "alright, i'm going to do this! yeah!
okay, great! come on, let's start! yeah! okay,
this and that and oh no! what about this! wow
i have to get started and oh goodness what if i but
okay no alright let's go! quick! ahhh! but i don't
have time but i have to and yeah but no and ohhhh1!!"
and THEN i need to say, "alright, be positive, but
calm down! don't go spastic!!"
so what i think i'm trying to say is this:
vigorous apathy and hatred to work is the worst state
of all. i have to learn how to turn this into a
positive enthusiastic attitude. i've started to learn
how to do this. i did it for the physics test and i'm
doing it now. and it works because i'm doing my work
as fast and without distraction as possible! THEN,
once i'm in this state, other techniques can be applied
like not going crazy, and recognizing EVERY LITTLE
DISTRACTION for *EXACTLY* what it is. but a tool
like this doesn't work in my apathetic state, because
i recognize things but don't give a damn anyway. and
i would NEVER go crazy in this state; only feel
depressed, apathetic, and sometimes mad at the
universe and other people and myself and all that.
if i can learn to break through this EVERY DAY, learn
to give myself that positive enthusiastic attitude
EVERY DAY, from morning till the time i get home to
nighttime, then the battle becomes fifty times easier,
with the only obstacles left being slight distractions
that i'm eager to push off, and overenthusiasm like
frantic worry to calm, and overconcern with the
results of everything to remove myself from. if i
can truly manage, somehow, to sustain this positive
enthusiastic state every day, then i actually have
a chance at tearing down the void that every single
hour of my time gets sucked into... that time from
morning or early afternoon to late evening or early
morning... 5 to 10 to 15 hours a day... if i can do
that, if i can use time like a normal person, schedule
myself, able to finish my work within 5 hours of
getting home, i can do anything...
GOAL FOR NOW: to catch up completely with all my
schoolwork just like i had to catch up studying that
three days for the physics exam, at any cost (AND
I *SUCEEDED* THEN, WHY NOT NOW!)
tommorrow, when i get home, i must supercharge myself,
positively ionize myself, THE MOMENT I GET HOME, then,
hence, with my superpowers under that state, be able
to push away all distractions to actually USE THAT
EIGHT OR NINE HOURS OF TIME INSTEAD OF THROWING IT
AWAY!!! a half an hour for guitar, less than an hour
for running, half an hour for dinner and anything else,
that's at least SIX WHOLE HOURS of time i can use.
that's six tommorrow, six thursday, 7 friday, 13 sat,
and 13 sunday to COMPLETELY CATCH UP by that point,
monday, with all my work, and to begin to CATAPULT
MYSELF INTO A NEW AGE OF DISCIPLINE AND PURE TIME
MANAGEMENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! YES!! I CAN
hmmm... i'm trying to record how i got into this
positive state. it's kind of hard to re-trace and
create something that will work every time... well,
i had finished guitar, and was sitting on my bed
with my hands around my legs against my chest, not
wanting to work. not as vehemently as sometimes, but
it doesn't take a lot of apathy to set off ADD. all
it takes is a tiny little "i don't really want to do
this" and BAM i'm off doing something else until
midnight. so i tried to talk myself into a completley
positive state, but it didn't really work. then i
went upstairs and knew i'd get upset at grandma for
putting my clothes in the dryer... i TOLD myself just
be positive and happy, but it of course didn't work
and i ended up being upset with her over nothing and
dad saying "listen don't talk like that" and all that
crap. then i went downstairs and almost instantaneously
recognized that being upset was about to toss me into
a horrible emotional state. unable to do work, really
mad at work and everything else, etc. being mad would
just send everything to hell. i realized that, and
somehow turned it right around. god DAMN it i had the
exact phrase on my tongue that i used and now i can't
remember it... AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGHHHH. i think i
kind of laughed at the fact that i was so mad and
REALLY saw what was about to happen and simply
reversed it. oh well. god help me, i don't think i'll
ever manage to actually write down HOW i get to this
state. let's just pray it keeps working!!!!.......
strange... i got really frustrated and yelling at
mom over something kind of stupid, and at grandma
yesterday, and now dad says i need to work on my
attitude... the werid thing is he says i was "hell to
live with" last semester, and that i've BEEN doing
much better this semester handling my grades and my
work, and i've been pretty polite, but that now that's
going backwards... that is, that i guess somehow i'm
becoming frustrated and overworked or something and
that's affecting my attitude toward everyone else.
[little bit later]
i think i accomplished a little something here. it's
8:45 and i started to feel tired and realized i had
to do a problem for tommorrow for cs and that i had
to read a lot of stuff to understand it and just started
to get really ticked about the whole thing, about having
to stay up late and not enough time and things not
working out... then i caught myself. "hey," i said,
"it doesn't matter. whether you go to bed tonight
and get sleep or do your homework assignment doesn't
matter at all. don't you see yet? this is where
it all happens. where it all turns to mush and rips
you away from any chance of beating this thing and
turns your life into a miserable living hell. if you
just have a positive attitude and DO THE BEST YOU CAN
DO FROM NOW ON, everything will be okay!" and i really
saw it all and it re-energized my positive attitude.
i mean, the only thing to worry about is worry itself.
i wonder if... dear god... this positive attitude stuff
could possibly really work... *wimper* oh, please...
(**) hey, it can't possibly do any harm! at the very
very very least, i'll have exact same problems with no
solutions or progress, but they won't upset me at all.
i.e. i'll always have the feeling "i'll be alright"
i wonder, in that case... will they really be problems?
not to mention that it almost certainly, without doubt,
SEMI-NEW TECHNIQUE THAT YOU MUST START USING:
at certain times, i just have to push everything else
out of my mind and just do what is in front of me...
i CONSTANTLY want to WORRY and re-define the battle
and THINK and THINK and THINK and HOW AM I GOing TO
DO THIS and HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUG THIS....
and I really should be worrying and planning right
now instead of trying to do work... something i really
need to learn to do once in awhile is to just LET GO.
do the very next thing on my mind and not worry about
the 2nd or 3rd of 10th thing i have to do after that...
if i've decided that right NOW is NOT the time to spend
scheduling or planning or thinking, then the only thing
left is getting a positive attitude, then DOING what
i have to do and not worrying about ANYTHING ELSE AT
ALL!! it will all come later.
hmmm... i'm really really psyched about maybe buying
this $300 synthesizer soon... and what i've notcied
is i'm not depressed or angry at school or anything.
i'm as happy as can be. i just kind of said, "oh,
well! can't do my phsycis homework tonight. forgot
about it and now there's no time to stay up till 3
figuring out a whole chapter..." whereas before, well,
you know... i'm wondering if maybe i just need more
time OFF and more time to do stuff i LIKE in order
to stay happy and calm and positive... i dunno.
walk away; come back, look at how ridiculous your
worrying is. remind yourself to be in fierce control.
I DON'T GET THIS!! it's so damn WEIRD and CONFUSING!!
i have finals this week so i only have three seconds
to talk -- but, argh. it's so strange. i'm pretty
much in a "positive" mood, where i can go tackle my
work and stuff. but still, sometimes, when i'm in
this mood, i still don't do my work due to
distractions. but i hope the technique of eliminating
every tiny distraction will usually take care of that
... i don't know what to say. i guess what i'm really
mad at is that i wasted 4 days doing stuff when i
should have been studying for finals. FOUR DAYS!! no
wonder i have so much work to do all the time! it's
not just that "i never have ANY spare time so usually
procrastination is not an issue! the issue is finding
out how to do work right now and use every second i
can to catch up; cause i'm ALWAYS catching up." but
that's BULL half the time, because i go through MANY
spurts of TONS of work, following which i take a day
or two off from school under the argument that "well
that was *HELL* and now it's over and i DESERVE A DAY
OR TWO OFF!!" BULL. if i'd just set my priorities and
schedule and work hard the VERY DAY AFTER those giant
spurts of heavy work, i might stand a CHANCE of
catching up. and NO ARGUING WILL WORK. i can never
say "oh i don't have much due and i can put this all
off for a few days and take this few days break". b/c
it always ALWAYS *ALWAYS* comes back to haunt me and
i'm sitting two or three weeks later wondering how the
hell i'm here again. i MUST *ALWAYS* schedule and
never take "a few days off" or anything close to it.
it's similar to being late all the time... i ALWAYS
underestimate the time and hence am always late. i
ALWAYS think i have time to get ready but i NEVER do.
same with school.
the weird thing is, i'm pretty positive or
kind of and i think i can pull off doing work for
the week but maybe not because i'm still involved in
distractions and oh geez i don't know
amazing. it's totally amazing. i'll be in that
horrible horrible totally absolutely apathetic
miserable state that i hate so much; where life sucks
and i wouldn't even want to write anything or work on
wind or any of the things that set my soul on fire...
and i wasn't even tired. sometimes extreme lack of
sleep or having a cold really contributes to these
states; life just is just meaningless and miserable
and well, you get the point... anyway, today, i'm in
this state, DESPERATELY trying to push myself to have
a positive attitude... i say, "come on, you have to
have that positive attitude you say you need! come
on! get positive!" and i'll think about all i have
to accomplish in life to try to get me pscyched, about
how i have NO TIME and i must do everything i can all
the time.. you know... and the only response that i get
is "well, who cares. i don't want to do any those
things." i'm truly removed from anything i want to
do! even if i DIDN'T have to study for my physics
final exam tommorrow, i wouldn't want to do anything!
i'm just miserable! no computer science or wind or
guitar or midi or music or piano or writing or
ANYTHING! and at these times, the ONLY thing i can
think of that i'd like to is play video games. i
thought of that today, and thought, "yeah... YEAH!
that's what i want to do!!!" which is very common
of these states; the one thing i can think of that i
want to do is play video games or go to the mall or
something. and the weird thing is that these states
usually happen right after i've been doing a whole ton
of schoolwork. DURING the schoolwork a lot, i'd give
ANYTHING to be able to be doing anything that i love!
i just can't imagine how good it would be to go do
something i want, then when it's all over, i'm just
extremely apathetic like this.
but the AMAZING thing is how fast i can snap
my fingers and turn it around. i was sitting in the
sun on the porch with shadow, petting her as a
distraction, and kept thinking about how to get
positive, when [pause]. well, i don't know what
happened. that's the thing. i "got positive". i
got psyched and happy and realized i should do the
best i can and not to worry and all that wonderful
stuff, but i don't know how i did it. it's like a
switch. it's kind of like i used all my get-positive
techniques, except i didn't actually THINK of any...
i just REALIZED it! that's about the best way i
can put it. it was just a switch. i think, like i've
been truly hoping for, that this stuff is starting to
become instinctive! that's what i've truly been
hoping for; you know, like in photography in high
school he told us, "now of course, when you take a
picture, you don't THINK about all these rules.
they're all instictive. you only have a split
second to take a picture; you don't have time to
think, "okay, is there good contrast and does the
rule of thirds hold and is my subject where it should
be etc etc. you just instinctively KNOW all these
rules when you take a picture." likewise, i'm really
really hoping that eventually, someday, i'll be
positive all the time by instinct. i won't have to
use techniques to help me, i'll just always REALIZE
them. every morning. every moment i'll realize all
the little things that add up into the one big thing
called your attitude in life... if something HORRIBLE
happens when i wake up, like i suddenly remember i
forgot to write a paper that's due today, i won't
even blink for a second and think, "OH, SHIT!!" but
rather, i'll INSTINCTIVELY just laugh at it like,
"heh! how could i forget that! wow! this is funny,"
or at the least think, "oh well! that's okay. it's
no big deal." right now i'm developing an instict
all the time in many situations when i just
automatically think, "hey! this is silly! calm
down! you KNOW you don't have to be like this!" like
awhile ago when i burned my head with with the shower
head and wanted to smash something. i instinctively
feel like i shouldn't be mad at all. i may still be
mad, but there's still that instinct that says, "hey
stop it." like awhile ago mom remined be about
babylon 5 that was already like 20 minutes over and
i hadn't started recording it and i RAN down like
lightning FURIOUSLY being mad and disturbed at myself
KNOWING that it's not worth worrying about at all...
basically, i need to all the time be positive.
ok, time to backtrack... um, i was going to
say that this of course isn't the first time i've
been in this furiously apathetic don'tcareaboutlife
mood. recently (i may have wrote about it, i think)
i was in the same mood after a whole slew of finals.
and again, just like a switch sometime around 2 or
something, it just turned off. i realized there was
absolutely nothing to be apathetic about! i think i
even had little sleep that day. i just switched myself
into that wonderful positive mood... and i didn't
really have any work to do, so it was great! i think
it's even easier to realize logically that it's
STUPID and POINTLESS to be in this state *ESPECIALLY*
when i don't have any work to do! it's like, "okay,
i'm free, i can do whatever i want, why the hell
am i miserable!?"
by the way, one clue i have as to what caused
the switch to click is laughter (sort of). you see,
when i run down my recently-created list of
get-positive techniques, the one that really works
is the one "LAUGH at yourself". while it may not
be working b/c i actually laugh at myself, it sort
of helps me see how silly my being serious is. it
helps to almost suddenly flick on the positive removed
attitude. it's almost impossible to describe any
what's so truly amazing is that this is maybe
finally starting to work... to WORK! right now, i'm
all psyched about studying for my physics final. i'm
not overly hyped and worried (or if i suddenly GOT
really over-worried, the "calm down! once you're
positive" technique would almost INSTANTLY click in and
i'd kind of laugh, take a deep posive breath, and
continue), i'm certainly not apathetic or in any
danger (at least for now) of being pushed away by
ADD b/c of not wanting to do this "miserable" work;
i'm just positive and looking forward to life and
"alright let's get this done!" and trying to have fun
while i'm doing it (like playing music; that's helps
sometimes, A LOT... when i switch into this state from
wanting to do something fun, i just YEARN for music;
something to make it more enjoyable. something to
make it really fun. with music, i can REALLY stand
it... hard to explain...), and basically all the things
i'm trying to devise into a positive attitude. i
can't imagine if this works. can you imagine, being
completely positive? having no stress, living to 100
maybe, being able to run and eat right WITH the
positive attitude... and of course most importantly,
BECOME that fierce person in control of his life who
can squish 17 courses into a semester and do everything
he wants... see? even right now i feel i'm starting
to become tired. not just tired, but you know, that
tired-in-the-middle-of-the-day kind of feeling that
just makes me miserable cause strenous ANYTHING
exhausts me and just makes me want to lie down and
go to sleep. i have a theory that this can be blown
away with just a positive attitude... that i wouldn't
get extremely fatigued from doing vigorous things like
practicing guitar (or at least, they SEEM vigorous
when i'm in this mood)... yeah that's right, i'm not
sure if i wrote this down yet, but last week i went
over chris's to do music and i seemed VERY sick...
i really wanted to go home... you know, playing guitar
and singing and everything really took a lot out of
me, like sickness multiplies tenfold how much fatigue
i get out of things... like under normal sleeping
conditions, playing guitar would be fine, but with
a complete lack of them, practicing for a half an
hour can ruin me. i'm wondering if maybe a positive
attitude can fix this... that maybe i'm fatigued b/c
of the worrying or over-excited tense attitude (like
w/ chris)... and that if i had a COMPLETELY positive
attidue, one powerful enough to obliterate even the
tiny bits of extremely-maginified-under-sickness-or-
lack-of-sleep stress or toll on my body that come from
simple things like playing guitar, i could live better
and longer than anyone could imagine. it seems
like sickness points out the tiny little bits of
stress from these events that i wouldn't otherwise
notice; if i can avoid even these tiny little bits
of stress, be in an ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETE state of
positiveness every moment of my life, who knows what
-- sup --
you know, i wasted 7 hours today. 7 hours. while i'm
in a positive mood now (or am getting back to one
after having been thrust into misery again by realizing
that i'm going to flunk the test tommorow no matter
what i do), I WASTED 7 HOURS!! the same seven or more
hours i've wasted before screaming like a madman in
my journal about how impossible & frustrating this is.
the same seven hours that i lose every single fucking
day of my entire life that make me stand there and
scream, "WHY?". i'm at the very end of the semester,
and you'd think that if i'd made ANY PROGRESS AT ALL
(like i keep telling myself i'm making progress), i
would have at LEAST for the VERY LEAST GOD DAMN IT
been studying the **WHOLE** day for my very last big
important final!!! but NO!! i've waste SEVEN HOURS
and just now was begging mom to let me get 0 hours
of sleep tonight instead of 4. 4 hours i'm screaming
is so important! and i've wasted SEVEN. SEVEN SEVEN
DAMN IT FUCK FUCK SHIT SEVEN DAMN FUCK SCREW HELL
WHY THE HELL DID I WASTE THIS FUCKING TIME!?!?!
i fucking hate it! fuck fuck rfuck fuckf cuk,..
oh god! *sigh*. AM i making progress? in order for
me to have used today efficiently, i would have had
to get up with a positive attitude instead of switching
on one in the middle of the day.... does that simply
mean that someday, i'll probably be able to wake up
every day with a positive attitude and the more i work
at this the bigger difference i'll start to see? maybe
just making PROGRESS doesn't show up much along the
way. but i KNOW i've made progress. i know it. i
don't have to prove that. i know i've made some
progress. or have i? i think so. i've turned myself
into that "let's go" postive you-know mood quite
often in the past few weeks. i don't need to analyze
every little factor that made me skip doing work for
7 hours today. it's VERY easy to skip that time. very
easy to get distracted and not use every second
extremely efficiently. tell ya what, i'm not going
to worry about it. i'm just going to do the best
i can from here on and work toward eventually getting
that 7 hours a day down to 0. EVERY DAY. all i have
to do is eventually manage to wake up every day with
an instinctive positive attitude and train myself
to keep it all day long no matter what happens (okay,
that's nothing minor, but still)... my only worry
(oops sorry! wrong word) -- my only concern for next
year is that i can't get my attitude/scheduling up
to par with the level of discipline that i've
committed myself to: 6 courses (including guitar
practice), plus running (hopefully) and maybe even
ultimate frisbee or starting a lyric club... GOD i
don't know. but i'll worry about that later. as SOON
as school's done (well, save maybe 1 day), i'll FIRST
have to change my resume and send it in to a few
companies... then i must start planning how i'm going
to manage myself next semester. notecards, scheduling,
attitudes, etc. (yes, i think i just might take
saturday off). so let me go do that now. yes. i
think i should. NOW. not in another 17 lines. NOW.
alright. now, then. i'm closing this window right
now. when? NOW! *GO*!!! okay. i will. very soon.
heh. i just walked around for a bit then switched
into the postive state, and thought, "DAMN!" (jokingly
of course). i was seriously, in a postive joking way,
MAD that i got in the positive state... and that was
funny. "damn it!" i thought, "i'm SUPPOSED to be
depressed and worried! what right to you have to go
making me HAPPY all the time!?" heh.
train yourself to respond instantly to a "negative"
thing (i.e. remembering that you have to mow the lawn)
with joy, not depression (and hence, desperate attempts
by ADD to remove myself from the trouble)
NOVEMBER 1998 TO JAN 1999
well... it's been awhile.
must write quickly. i have two tests friday on stuff
i need to study and three programs (two late) that i
need to get done by monday. it's wednesday night.
it seemed to look very very hopeless tonight... i wrote
an email about religion/philosophy that took like
forever... i told myself i just had to write that email,
and it took all night. and you can't IMAGINE how little
time i have right now, and how much i've been doing
stuff like that for the past few days. yesterday i took
almost the entire night just doing email before going
to bed. endless hours wasted, but that doesn't matter
now... anyway so i wasted hours with that email, but
did somehow manage to pop myself into to the positive
determined mood needed to get this shitload of work
done, instead of letting the fear that it's all
impossible (that would normally be brought on by
avoiding work for so long -- i.e. it's never going to
work and it's too late and i can't even do my work
NOW and there's too much and i'm too miserable and...)
envelop me and control me.
so anyway, i was positive, but still somehow
found myself sitting at the tv for like 30-45 minutes
watching dawsen's creek cause it happened to be on
when i walked by. it was this utter depression that
covered me -- much more so than even the usual "i can't
do this" attitude -- i just couldn't change the
channel. finally after a long time i managed to turn
it off out of utter guilt, and now i was extremely
depressed. i stood at the clock at 9:05 and instead
of letting this super-serious depression weigh me
down i said "alright let's play a game: how fast can
we get positive." i laughed; and right about here
you'd figure i'm about to manage to do it, right?
un-uh. i'm in this strange mood for a half an hour
that i really know i have to get positive but
everything i try just screeches to a halt in front
of the massive dark-cloud feeling that all my work
is utterly miserable and i can't possibly face it...
i'd go through ALL the techniques and i even tried
new things... i tried EVERYTHING. i'd try the
hardest i've ever tried to become positive. i
said "alright come on, you know you can do this and
the only way you're going to get through this, and
through your life full of stuff like it, is to
become right now the determined person who will fight
and do everything he can to overcome this right now..."
etc, etc. and it seemed like on the surface it was
kind of working but below it all was that deep deep
depression push-away-the-dark-cloud feeling that
simply wouldn't let me get positive. it was too
hard. it was a wall that EVERYTHING ran up against.
it was simply too engrained in me. so, at last, i
tried something i've never really tried before (at
least, not to this extent). i let those dark
feelings sit and did my work anyway!
i can't describe to you how hard it has
been over the past few days to get myself positive
about practicing the guitar stuff i'm supposed to
be practicing right now. but tonight, WHILE IN
THAT UTTER DEPRESSED A.D.D. DARK MOOD THAT SHOVES
ME AWAY FROM HOMEWORK, i grabbed my guitar and
read what i was supposed to with surety and
a sort of confidence that may be the most
determined practice i've had this year. i just
picked up my guitar and pulled out the HARDEST
thing (the thing that most pushes me away all
the time) and practiced it perfectly (not played
it perfectly, practiced it perfectly). where
on usual days i'd run up against something that
was kind of extra hard about this depressing
hard stuff that i already didn't want to do and
shove it aside, today i played those extremely
extra hard depressing parts with more
determination to practice them without fear than
i maybe ever have.
while the whole time, i still had the
utter miserable deprressed feeling deep in
my mind. i was NOT happy and positive, i
was utterly miserable, but determined enough
to not let the misery affect me whatsoever.
i went so far beyond it i did better at not
lettting it affect me that i almost ever have.
it took awhile for me to actually
GET positive, but it happened.
i knew i'd keep running up against
walls, i know the battle will keep changing
and morphing and there will always be more
walls, from year to year, but the best thing
in the world about this is that i beat it
tonight. i beat probably the toughest wall
i've faced this school year. it will be
very hard for this misery to touch me
like that again. slowly but surely
i'm developing myself into that
(hopefully someday) permanent positive,
happy, optimistic person. there are a
hundred more battles awaiting requiring
a hundred completely new battle tactics
and re-defining of the battle, but i can do it.
i did it tonight and damn it i can do it
again. and again. and again....
all i can say is that i'm making progress. i sit all
night till 3am sitting in front of the TV when i should
be going to bed. i don't have the time to attempt
to describe perfectly how lost and hopeless i felt
then, so i'll just say it. i felt lost and hopeless.
like here i am again, again again for the 153029839578th
time and all the conditioning and psycho cybernetics
in the world hasn't helped a bit. but then, by some
kind of miracle i shut the TV off at 3am and am struck
by the momentary impulse/urge to get absolutely
completely furious and self-pitied and so forth, but
within seconds i realize that won't accomplish
anything, and i immediately fall into a much more
"educated" if you will and "grown up" emotional state.
it was just amazing seeing at that moment how childish
i could have been and just -- not even trying but just
by itself -- all my self-training for however long i've
been fighting this just clicked in and i could not have
possibly gotten furious at it because i simply realized
how stupid that would be, how the best thing is to
just put on a smile and do the best i can with it from
now on.... but then even in the kitchen just moments
afterwards i'm struggling with whether to grab a bag
of popcorn and eat it in self-indulgence. i can't,
cause i know i shouldn't, but i have to, cause it's
late at night and i NEED it, etc... and i'm caught in
this painful emotional trap, back and forth, back and
forth -- "i can do this" "no but i need the popcorn"
"i am the positive person who does NOT need the
popcorn" etc... (now of course this sounds stupid the
way i say it but it's actually a very painful very
deep and hard struggle). anyway, i keep trying, keep
failing, and eventually i find myself standing up but
resting my two elbows on the counter kind of bent over
grabbing my disoriented head indulging in pain... when
suddenly it occurs to me somehow that i've sort of
created this indulgence. i've created not being able
to withdraw easily and i've created what a struggle it
is and i've let it escalate until i'm sure it's
impossible to deal with. and just then i realize that
if i created this world, i can undo it instantaneously.
so i do. i just realize that none of this has to be
this way and i just lift up from my painful indulging
position and say "oh. okay. i'm cool now!" and go get
the dog and go to bed.
anyway, i'm making progress. don't forget that.
you're NOT losing...
MARCH TO MAY 1999
okay so i’m sitting here with a computing test i’m going to flunk tommorrow, sunday night at 7:30, and all day i know i should be working and am half-positive and keep going back to read my computing book, but even though i FEEL mostly positive and in the right attitude to do work, it turns out i’ve only read 12 pages in 9 hours. even when i’m MOSTLY positive and in the mood i think i need to be in, i still find a million ways to distract myself (computer, downloading, food, email, games, food, computer, watch paul and friend play turok, computer, watch paul and friend play turok, NESticle, food, email, food, pat dog, paul and friend, talk to paul, eat dinner, stand in kitchen and do nothing, more food, computer, food, food, food, write in this journal...). i barely even notice how much time i’m wasting. i feel mostly positive but still don’t want to do work so EVEN TODAY with stuff i’ve put off and off for three weeks, i can’t focus enough to read more than reading one page every 45 minutes. so anyway i’m sitting here at my computer desktop and it’s kind of neat that i start to realize exactly what’s going on. for the 2,000th time today i get enthusiastic about a distraction. this one in particular is hard: i want to click on the forsaken demo i’ve downloaded today and install it. it’s RIGHT THERE! i haven’t played a game on my new computer yet and this will be incredible! i just have to see it work! it will only take a minute... and mocking some vague feeling in the back of my mind that knows there’s no way in hell i should be doing this, i click the icon, hit extract, but stop in the middle of typing the directory, and a slight bit of what i’ve been telling myself is my problem for the past year or two just barely starts to sink in. for one thing, i realize that while this is just some stupid distraction, it ADDS UP. “no,” i say, “i don’t have to do this, i’m going to be the person who doesn’t have to click this, etc, etc”, but the second i close the box again, there it is, yanking me right back. FORSAKEN!! “NO! etc, etc” and it starts to work, but then my mouse icon zooms over to the jupiter icon, and i realize that i always allow myself to check my email and never quesiton how much it becomes a distraction..... basically, i look over the cause of my downfall today: letting myself indulge in “Stupid little harmless distractions that i really really want to do”. a lot of this involves the “ooo ooo ooo let me just do this that’s really cool! and it will only take a second....” And I remind myself that I MUST LOOK AT HOW I’VE FAILED AND THEN ASK HOW I’M GOING TO CHANGE MY PERCEPTION OF THINGS TO START TO FIX THIS, AND THEN CHANGE ACCORDINGLY. there are a million million techniques and ways to alter my mind and perception and attitudes towards life and these problems and myself, etc, that will all lead down a path to eventually help myself. i MUST KEEP REVISING. i realize today that i’ve let myself get away with too much. today i more or less used the technique, “i’m going to be positive and attack today because i have a lot to do. i’m not going to let the fact that i’m behind bother me and i’m going to work like hell to get this done today.” that’s fine, to an extent. but my failure was indulging in a thousand distractions that weren’t really a big deal and would only affect the outcome a little bit. So, a possible new solution is something like this: “i will be aware of all the tiny tiny things that rip my life apart. before i do ANYTHING – bathroom, food, computer, talking – i must ask myself, IS THIS ONE OF THOSE STUPID DISTRACTIONS OR DO I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO THIS?” i must create the impression in my mind that these stupid little distractions are as bad as watching TV for 5 hours in a row, because they accumulate. (there must be a hundred metaphors for this. bugs? plankton? things that seem harmless when small but destructive when assembled?) i’ve made the point to myself that allowing myself a tiny bit of fun, reckless, artistic irresponsibility can be okay, i.e. running to the piano to play for 20 minutes before my next class. if i didn’t allow a little i might go mad, and i wouldn’t be me. but i have to create the person who sees WHEN THESE DISTRACTIONS ARE APPROPRIATE AND WHEN THEY’RE BEING EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE. if i see myself allowing myself to click on those icons and indulge in the fun i really want to have, i just have to create the person, quite simply, who wouldn’ t let himself click on that icon. who’s very responsible about life, who realizes that the little kid impulses to click on those icons are immature and completely beatable, who’s beyond it, who’s positive about life and wants to attack life and do everything he can and who realizes 24/7 that he’s going to be responsible in order to get where he wants to get. PUT UP THAT NET. fall into it every single time you realize there’s any tiny tiny thing wrong with your attitude/makeup, and work outward. reanalyze the current situation and create the person who’s the exact oppositte of the person who’s been doing the very wrong or slightly wrong thing. TALK TO YOURSELF. create the person who stops and revises and doesn’t let himself be dragged off into some obscure limbo where he can’t think. become the person who says “oh no you don’t i’m not going there”... this is going to take a while! i’m perfectly human and it’s completely understandable that i just wasted another day. but if i never give up – keep following this (continuously being revised) plan – put the [spring-]net up, realize this is hard and don’t get discouraged, reanalyze, and reconstruct – i think i can do this. i KNOW i’m making progress. it’s not even a question. i can see how much further i have left to go, but, DAMN, i’m on the path....
SIDE NOTE: wow would it be fun to teach everything i’m teaching myself to others... start with psycho cybernetics, show how you have a pencil that can change almost ANYTHING in your mind/subconscious, demo how you can even use vivid imagery to help you – i.e. the net, spring, wall – and with that foundation go through how i’ve done this, the proccess – the first step of putting up a safety net in your mind to catch you every time you fall down, telling yourself not to get discouraged, reanalyze, reconstruct, etc... and show how there are a million different ways to solve the problem...
create "personalities" who will use the techniques themselves. i.e. i started with a "saftey net" type-person who i would fall back on whenever i wasn't doing what i should. a simple, calm attitude who will calmly start analyzing the situation and telling me whatever i have to do. but that's too passive, so now i'm going to create the guy who is constantly yelling out loud to himself. "HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! AND ENOUGH OF THAT!...NO, YOU'RE NOT -- NOW LET'S GO.... etc". the guy who's utterly sick of losing and is going to try as hard as he can do fix things NOW. not that that means i EXPECT things to work; i still have to remember as always never to feel guilty no matter what is working or isn't working...
"who am i? i'm the person who's kind of half-ass trying this stuff. i'm not going to be the person who sits and isn't moved by what he's saying but is going to try his best!"... VISUALIZE who you are right now, how you're acting, why you're failing, and REMOVE yourself from that. RIGHT NOW, BE WHOEVER WHO HAVE TO BE TO BE BETTER THAN WHOEVER YOU'RE BEING RIGHT NOW.
*try this: instead of trying to individually fight all these miserable emotions that pop up that you KNOW you don't have to have, just say to yourself, "I don't have to have any of these! These all come from invalid and wrong assumtions and subconscious impressions. These should have no affect on me so whenever one pops up, no matter WHAT the reason or why it's there, I'm going to know that it SHOULD NOT BE THERE." this is a catch-all to fight every single emotion at once without worrying about each one's specific cause.
doubt it's not your fault? well, JUST the fact that i'm sitting here at 3am having put off all my homework until know PROVES itself that it's a problem beyond my control! Because NO SANE PERSON would consciously of they're own free will have done this!
use "don't sweat the small stuff"! all your homework and everything else is just stupid small stuff that isn't worth worrying over. combine this with the attitude that nothing is your fault and that you should accept your problem (which is only small stuff anyway) and keep fighting it, and the belief that you'll eventually win if you're just patient and give it enough time, and you have a killer combo!
after this long it still hasn't sunk in: DON'T FEEL GUILTY AT *ANY* TIME! NOTHING is your fault.
this is UNCONDITIONAL. you're fighting a big big big problem; you HAVE to accept that you're GOING to fail miserably over and over and over, and you HAVE to look at it all with a positive attitude: "I'm going to fight this thing that's attacking me. I'm not going to let it win by sitting here and feeling miserable I'm losing. i'm going to fight the damn thing by realizing first of all that there is something attacking me that i have nothing to do with!" SO often i think i might be able to be positive but then the very thought of doing any kind of work (even in the car, in my head), will be countered by some measly split second of misery which will send me spiraling/snowballing back the other direciton: "OH, god! I try but i can't even do it! this is so miserable!"... it's good excersise just to SIT there and PURPOSELY neglect your work while telling yourself "I'M *NOT* going to feel miserable no matter how much work i have and no matter how much i put it off! i'm going to face it and i may not be able to do it! this may happen SEVERAL MILLION EXCRUCIATINGLY FRUSTRATING TIMES by the end of the night, but i will NOT FEEL MISERABLE ABOUT IT! THIS IS *EXPECTED*. this is what i have to fight. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. i'm just going to fight it.
remember that mental conditioning can come in two forms: the main kind, telling yourself so and so, and the somewhat more interesting kind: vividly VISUALIZING what's going on. imagining your hate is a big dark cloud and visualizing yourself blowing it away from your head; visualizing a wall that you can't walk through at your doorway so you can't go eat, etc...
use ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to motivate yourself. there are millions upon millions of ways to turn yourself into the person who won't find any work miserable and will want to do it all and won't waste time, etc. for instance, today i was working on my courses for next semester, and i calculated how much longer i'm going to be in school, etc; but the whole proccess is just so motivating: seeing how much i have to learn, how cool it will be to be the person who's getting through these 20 credits a semester perfectly and having time on the side for a social life and poetry and everything else, how much i want this all to work out. this is a great tool right here for creating the person i want to become. i can start focusing on this schedule; tape a copy up or something, remind myself every day of the eager attitude i'm changing myself into, the person who's going to break through everything.
nice warm sunny days always inspire me and cheer me up and make me more eager and positive a lot. there's something to use! if it helps, USE IT. doesn't matter if it's not there tommorrow. you can learn from it. it can stick with you. when it's cloudy, IMAGINE that it's nice and warm out, find the place in your head that you were when it was sunny.
*extremely brief overview so far:
reading psycho cybernetics is the first step. this shows you how you can use the brain-pencil to do almost anything. then you have to figure out what the hell to do with it.
second, you have to realize what i wrote 3 paragraphs above: this isn't your fault, it's a battle, never feel miserable, etc.
third, FIGHT. millions of ways. next step might be to create the personalities who will tell you what the hell to do. then after that there are a million ways to get yourself enthusiastic: by either realizing that life isn't miserable, or giving yourself a positive attitude to attack in no matter how miserable it seems, etc, etc etc....
don't just make yourself positive and enthusiastic -- that's only part of it. that'll just make you positive and happy while you're going back and forth from doing tiny parts of your work to sucumming to a million distractions. yes, make yourself enthusiastic, but also create the person who's extremely DISCIPLINED and can resist the urge to go do every little distraction, cause all those little harmless distractions are as dangerous as anything else. don't be afraid to take a little discipline out on yourself! "this is BAD. yes, it is HUMAN, but it's bad and i have to overcome it."
3/26/99 [entered 5/3]
okay, i brainstormed across four sheets and thought i'd enter them here. the first thing i put down was this: 1ST RULE: KEEP FIGHTING. [then the rest....] it's a battle; it's not your fault; you WILL win; just be persistant and realize work is no big deal in the meantime -- but remember, this is only the FIRST step; this simply points you towards the fight. you then have to FIGHT! otherwise you go through the same ups and downs over and over with no progress. NOTE: whenevever you REALIZE you're making no progress, don't run away! it's STILL not your fault! just plan new strategies....
CONSTRUCTING: person who loves work
i HAVE to start figuring out how to make myself use time efficiently. i still use 12 hours a day to do 15 minutes of homework and just can't believe how that's possible. i must work on this. DESPERATELY.
always keep in mind the giant difference between the attitudes "life doesn't suck" vs. "i'm gonna kick life's scrawny little ass." we once thought of a band name "not horrible." it's obvious why it's funny, and it's the same reason why the attitude "life doesn't suck" is almost totally useless in this fight. you counter acid with a base, not water. you fight scorching summer heat with ice, not something luke-warm or room temperature. ooo! it's like putting a lot of weight on one side of a see-saw: if you try to put weight in the middle it will just roll down the weighted side. in fact you not only have to put an equal amount of weight on the _opposite_ side to balance it, but you have to put MORE weight on the other side so that the whole thing will be tilted the other way. so putting weight in the middle CERTAINLY doesn't do any good.
today i added a sheet to my wall: "APATHY IS UNCONDITIONALLY USELESS, INVALID, AND DESTRUCTIVE.". now there are four. i also added the word "destructive" to the first three.
you know it's absolutely infathomable and brain-bending how much INEXORABLE, DEAFENING, UNRELENTING CONTINUOUS PERSISTANCE is needed to fight this. i woke up at 11, it's now 4, and all i've done since then is work on the methods of how i'm going to get myself positive today. methods that SOME ill-conceieved notion in my brain tells me should have been completely defined and done with many months ago. but i'm still not even half way there. i've definitely made progress, but the process is SO unfathomably slow (but steady, mind you), that my progress over almost two years amounts to having changed from someone who used to spend every hour of every day miserable, indulging in the misery of his problems, doing occasionally five minutes of combined schoolwork on a good day, to someone -- thousands of pages of writing and tens of thousands of hours of thought on the matter later -- who only spends 70% of his time being distracted and miserable and the other 30% working on the problem, at still about five minutes of schoolwork on a good day. this isn't just something i do once a day for a month and then get sick of. this isn't like weightlifting where after a month of doing fifteen minutes a day i already start to get sick of it. this is something that i've dealt with about TEN HOURS A DAY, _EVERY_ DAY OF MY LIFE FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. of course i've been dealing with ADD since i was a little kid, but i declared WAR on it two years ago -- that's the tough part. fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and winning and losing and winning and fighting and losing and winning and losing and losing and losing and losing and losing and losing and winning and fighting and losing and winning and losing and losing and fighting and redefining the battle and fighting and fighting and redefining and reattacking and regrouping and losing and losing and losing and fighting and regrouping and losing and redefining and losing and redefining and regrouping and reevaluating and losing and fighting and winning and reevaluating and crying and losing and winning and crying and fighting and crying and fighting and fighting and fighting and losing and losing and winning and fighting and crying and....
and yes, i typed all that out without copying and pasting. try re-typing the whole thing. you get sick of it, don't you? well imagine typing that ten hours a day for two years. i simply can't explain how brain-spinning it is that i STILL spend 80% of my time fighting this thing, that i've just barely begun to really make progress, yet i also simply can't explain how MUCH progress i've _made_. It's THAT long and slow of a procewho doesn't run away from it because he doesn't see it as miserable -- who laughs at the seriousness with which he used to take work. who's positively disciplined and who is extremely 120% enthusiastic about life and who wants to tackle everything. / remember: if you keep getting positive yet keep doing ZERO work, say, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? ? _PREPARE_ YOURSELF for exactly what you know you're going to run into; try new thigns; keep revising...
Be the super-human who's positive every second and is always ready to plow through life, who realizesd life/work is small stuff. who is DISCIPLINED enough to resist any distraction ("I'm going to make use of every second of my time, not waste it, however human that would be")... who realizes those distractions for what they are
DON'T BE DEPRESSED! ALWAYS ENTHUSIASTIC TOWARD LIFE
SEPARATE MISERABLE SERIOUS LONELY HOPELESS SELF FROM "PLOWER" (above), and simply drill in the plower! be the positive guy who's anxious to create the plower.
And then after this brainstorming i drew up the three people involved here that i've started to define:
NOW: LOSER / VICTIM:
miserab;le lonely self; hates life; everything's impossible, runs away, everything's a mess and mise3rable and must be avoided; even when positive it's poerfectly okay to avoid all work, etc.
TRAINSITION: FIGHTER / VITIM:
alway spositive with continuous, undying, unrelenting, unconditional, unyielding persistance, no matter how bad the problem seems, no matter how little progress he's made so far. realizes he's a victim of a wild part of him EXTREMELY hard to control, and doesn't feel guitly cause of it. is CALM and PATIENT: sees he'll someday get through this and doesn't get ridiculously upset about losing some grades in the meantime. (It's all small stuff). whenever he has a second, is TALKING out loud to himself creating:
IN THE END: PLOWER / SUPER-HUMAN:
- is extremely exctatic and elated about the galactic splendor of life and is GIVING LIFE 120%, 130% OF THE TIME and is constantly laughing and smiling and refuses to take life "seriously". knows there are a million things out there and little time to experience them all and plows through all obstacles to get there.
- has the positive discipline to avoid any and all distractions, b/c they're too much of a waste of his time.
the positive, self-disciplined DIRECTED accomplisher who does not succumb to foolish distractions, petty or otherwise.
- uses every second of life to explore and make the most of his time --
- THERE ARE A MILLION WAYS TO CREATE THIS GUY
that day i also wrote the following on three pieces of paper and taped them up to my wall:
"MISERY IS UNCONDITIONALLY USELESS AND INVALID."
"HOPELESSNESS IS UNCONDITIONALLY USELESS AND INVALID."
"FEAR IS UNCONDITIONALLY USELESS AND INVALID."
the idea is that instead of trying to fight every single drop of misery invidually, i must drill it into my head that ALL misery comes from LOGICALLY INVALIDLY-DEDUCED reasoning, invalid input, and invalid preconceived notions that got erroneously inputted into my brain somewhere since i was born.
then it's easier create the person who's positive all the time.
*you know, i'm just starting to realize how much faster i can solve my problems if i JUST DO SOMETHING and stop analyzing and awefulizing and indulging in the misery of being utterly confused about the intricate 17-dimensional web of what's going on in my head, how it got that way, what's going on around me, how what's going on around me is affecting what's going on in my head, how to change how what's going on around me is affecting what's going on in my head in relation to how it got that way, and how to begin figuring out if, and if so how, i should figure whether or not this entire line of figuring is even affecting how what's going on around me is affecting what's going on in my head, IF the question to ask myself about _everything_ that' s going on even involves both what's going on in my head and what's going on around me, or just one, or neither, in which case I would have to reevauate the entire situation, assuming reevalutaion would help to lessen the confusion of the situation, which of course I _cannot_ assume, leaving me to conclude that I have know idea what the hell I'm even talking about anymore, nevermind what the problem is, and let alone how to figure out how to solve it, assuming I believed that figuring out how to solve my problems would even do any good, which I don't.
I've been strugling with my extreme social "inadequacy" today. And the whole day it's just utterly utterly confusing and complicated and i hate dealing with it and in short, end up entagling myself in the types of webs described above and end up having no idea how to begin asking what i should be asking to begin to figure out how to define and solve my problems. But I'm starting to realize the easiest and fastest way to solve everything without worrying about all this is simply to visualize the person i want to be -- ignoring HOW to become him and how to figure out who i am and how to plan a strategy to change who i am in ORDER to become him -- and simply tell myself i am that person. instead of thinking "oh i don't fit in and why don't i fit in and why is it i'm so miserable and why don't i even want to think about why i think i don't fit in or what to do about it", etc, i can just say, "alright, I'm totally socially stable and self-happy full of self-esteem person with plenty of friends who isn't awkard or shy around anyone; who walks around perfectly self-content and doesn't worry what others think of him", etc, etc... even better than saying this is visualizing in one picture in my head (that's worth a thousand words SORRY) of the guy i want to be, and just _saying_ "THAT'S ME." or at LEAST saying "i'm the guy who's going to deal with whatever social problems he has without getting all upset about them..."
it takes THAT much to completely reconfigure my entire brain -- the manner in which i think every single thought...
* but i have made that progress. if anything the fact that this proccess is so long has made me accept more that there's really a problem beyond my direct control and hence deal with it better. the big difference in my situation after two years of undying battle is that before i'd sit here and and be totally miserable and believe that all my problems are impossible to solve. now, i'm just PARTLY miserable, and believe that my problems fall just a little short of being impossible to solve. and i keep fighting. inexorably. toward freedom.
okay, i've just set off the catylist that should exponentially increase the rate at which i'm solving my problem with ADD. in short, i've realized that i've only been scratching the bare surface of how i can affect my brain and change my perceptions around. i once was more excited/enthusiastic about doing my work than ever before, after i wrote that stuff by the lake after watching Wing Commander. that was only a series of inputs into my brain that after a few days caused that amazing attitude, only to be shot down over the next few days as my regular mundane attitudes sunk in. what if i could replicate that experience? it was just a movie and a few other things. what if i could replicate and SUSTAIN that feeling? what else can i do besides that? there's SO much more i could be doing to solve this problem and change around my head. i.e. i could change the ideas that this problem has to take as long as it does; change the idea that it's impossible for me to solve this problem in a WEEK! i did it for a few days; what if i could just find the things to tell myself that would put me in that amazing mood every MORNING? what if the very notion that this is a long, long, proccess MAKES it a long process!?!? i know i have to be careful here, making sure i realize, in ANY case, that if it DOES end up taking forever THAT'S OKAY. it's just human. i CANNOT let myself believe that there is no other possible event than to solve my problems in a week, cause then i'll just be miserable IF it doesn't work. but that doesn't mean i can't affirm that it's perfectly POSSIBLE it's doable in a shorter period of time, and work towards that goal....
and there are SO SO SO SO SOOO many places to begin.... my mind is flabergasted at the sheer possibilities. but the fact remains that i have homework to do that MUST be done and that i have to do SOMETHING soon. i must remember that i can of course not tackle EVERYTHING today -- or EVER -- that it's enough to decide on SOMETHING and work with it for now and keep using new ideas every day as they come up.
for starters, maybe i'll just go crazy...
[after a minute or two thought]
alright, here's the plan for today. FOR NOW.
1) i'm reafirming in my brain the idea that i am NEVER TO FEEL MISERABLE. this IS a problem, completely regardless of how quickly or slowly it can be solved, and i'm not going to let myself think "oh this is my fault, i'm miserable, etc, etc", no matter what happens. and i'm going to keep fighting.
2) if i DO find myself there at any point this weekend, i'm telling myself i should realize how easy it is to completely change myself. FURIOUSLY TALK TO YOURSELF. realize you can be completely positive; that it's completely possible, you just have to find that attitude... I am going to keep fighting no matter what. I am going to be the person who, whenever he's there flicking the channels, is NOT going to let his fighting self be subdued by misery, but is going to keep fighting, hard, no matter what he's feeling and no matter how "miserable" he is. I AM GOING TO BE A CONSTANT POSITIVE FIGHTER. to simplify (i always need something very simple to remember when i'm there): 1) don't be miserable; your a victim. 2) fight. hard. now.
3) since i'm not in that extremely distressed state (YET), right now i'm going to do one thing: try to re-create that first attitude after writing that stuff after wing commander by the lake. that exceedily unbelievable violently enthusiastic attitude that held onto me for like 2 days. and whatever else comes to mind...
wait. but before i do anything i HAVE to get all the ideas i can down on what to start doing differently, or else they'll just flood over me and i'll keep running back here.
- create a roboic-like FIRM voice who's always there telling you what to do and think. reafirm him at least once a day. believe that your entire world can bend around a word he says. that no matter WHAT you're thinking or feeling, what he says goes
- REALLY reaffirm being extremely positive 100% of the time; loving life; life is great! live it
- try going through one or two weeks (a set time) in which you won't let ADD **TOUCH** you for one second during any of it. don't give a thought to what happens afterward. this would be an excellent exercise in giving yourself strong motivation to overcome ADD. if you succeed, try doing it again! or doing other things that extremely increase your motivation.... get rid of the idea that it takes a lot to get yourself extremely motivated. REALLY emphasize that you can just flick that switch and turn on the positive happy optimistic enthusiastic person!
- work harder. and harder. and harder. and affirm that the work is easier. and easier. and easier.
- visualize all the motivation that you give yourself on a daily basis. visualize the usual limits and possibilities that are usually involved in motivating yourself. GO COMPLETELY BEYOND THAT. diminish all the limits and augment all the possibilities.
- affirm the idea that you can become anyone at any time
- really REALIZE how you're losing.... sitting taking awhile every day to motivate yourself, then jumping back and forth between misery and motivation. just tell yourself you're someone who can do more than that. VISUALIZE yourself, your problems, your losses, your wins, and completely REVISE that image of yourself to be a hundred times better
- oooo! visualize where you think you'll be in this whole process a whole year from now, then just create the person who's at that stage in the process!
- TAKE ABSOLUTE UNCONDITIONAL CONTROL. reafirm every day that you HAVE unconditional control. reafirm every time you NEED it that you have unconditional control. then use it.
- instead of working on a case by case basis, imagine the ONE absolutely positive optimistic enthusiastic COMPLETLEY IN CONTROL person -- imagine EVERYTHING in the complete IDEAL person you want to be -- then JUST REAFIRM *HIM*, 24/7. no matter what's going on, say "i'm that completely ideal person no matter what"... this way you get the repetition of reafirming this ONE thing over and over and over, instead of reafirming a hundred different things. if there's just ONE thing you're telling yourself over and over and over, that will quickly start to sink in, and if that ONE thing is the one thing that will solve all your problems, then cool!
think of all the millions of things that could motivate you to do better than you're doing -- that you'd get a million dollars if you did schoolwork perfectly this week, that you'll flunk a course unless you really strive to catch up, that you can play a video game for a half hour at the end of the day if you did well, etc, etc.... then think of all the things you could be doing differently in your mental battle that would increase your motivation tenfold. we're constantly sustaining the perception that we're moving at a certain steady rate -- that certain losses will happen again and again and only VERY slowly disapear -- what if we obliterate this perception? what if we can beat ADD in a week?... "oh no!" you say. "we've tried that! that stuff simply doesn't work!" but why "doesn't" it? because to overcome the massive conditioning in my head that's sustained the problem, we'd need an equally powerful amount of conditioning to counter it. if the habits that i've fallen into have been being engrained in me since i was in fourth grade, then maybe i need ten years to totally counter them??.... NO. time is not the issue. the level of motivation and influence is. obviously, it's not going to take 10 years to basically beat ADD. that's cause my old habits haven't been vigorously drilled into me 24/7 since age 5. if i believe i can counter a lifetime of drilled in mentality within a few years of vigorous conditioning, why can't i do it in a month, as long as the conditioning is just that much stronger?
no, maybe i won't do it in a month or a week, but the whole point is i defintiely have the power to speed up the process -- exponetially. i just have to figure out how to give myself more extreme conditioning.
I AM NOT GOING TO LET MISERY *TOUCH* ME. I am working very hard on my problem and i'm making progress. it's been a VERY hard and frustrating and confusing battle but that all just goes to show how much patience i must have! I will NOT let myself get extremely guitly and frantically distressed every SECOND that i'm avoiding work. i will not watch myself goof off for an entire day the day before a test and feel MISERABLE about it. i have a VERY hard problem to rid myself of that will take a LONG time, or at least a TON of effort. i have to stay the positive calm fighter who REALIZES that it's perfectly acceptable and expected to be here at 8:27pm having put off my discrete math studying for my test on which i know nothing in two days all week. all day from 9am to now. that's how tough it is. when i try very hard to make myself study and STILL almost an entire circle around the clock goes by with nothing done. THAT'S HOW HARD IT IS. i have to stay positive and not let it get to me. just keep fighting and be patient.....
on and on and on i repeat things over and over and over, day after day after day.... they SLOWLY start to sink in, but it takes SO much persistance it's unreal....
TAKE CONTROL! be the person who realizes that EVERYTHING is even more
utterly changable than we've even come to realize up until now. (read
your little memo book blurb after you saw matrix). realize how much
you're in a certain WORLD and how easy it is to just break OUT of it.
become completely all the things you know you need to be, and DON'T
LET YOURSELF SINK BACK INTO YOUR STANDARD DAILY FEELINGS!! **realize**
when you're sinking and **realize** you totally don't have to even be
in that world at all! just leap above everything and take the absolute
control you know you can!
when life tries to make you feel miserable say, "I DO **NOT** HAVE TO
GIVE IN!! I DO *NOT* EVEN HAVE TO BE *TEMPTED* TO FEEL THIS WAY!... etc"
APRIL TO MAY 1999
(different set of comments than above)
4/19/99 monday, holiday
AHHHHH too much going on in my head! just have to blabb! BLABB!! BLABB!!... but i can't it's too much! ahhh. alright well anyway i've been sitting around this weekend in my standard kind of state... and i just kind of hung around today trying to reconstruct some sort of plan. because things are at a very weird experimental stage right now. the ONE THING i've completely set in stone in this point is that i can't ever feel miserable; no matter what i'm doing on any given day i have to accept that i'm a human being and i'm fighting something really powerful and i have the right to make mistakes or not be doing what i'm supposed to do and not get upset over it and just stay positive always etc etc etc etc and i've also kind of been thinking about how far i've come with this stuff. before psycho cybernetics my plan was two steps: to get positive, and then to use techniques i'd developed to get me to do my work once i'm positive. it's really cool i developed that stuff on my own without cybernetics, but it was still nowhere near the power i had to start fighting this thing once i read the first 50 pages of PC. THAT taught me amazing thigns; and then instead of using a few random techniques to GET positive (i realize now that before i was kind of stumbling around in the dark in this mental conditioning world and while i kind of got some solutions, i really didn't know what was going on, why they were working, etc, and it probably would have taken FOREVER to solve the problem if i hadn't happened to stumble into PC -- that's why i really want to try to tell other people about this once this is mostly over), i started configuring my brain to be someone who was positive and optimistic all the time, who accepted the problem and etc etc, which i'm now calling the foundation from which everything else has to be built. and i also realized today what a real pain in the ass society adds to this problem; when someone says "oh i have ADD" people think it's some really stupid excuse and as a result people with ADD end up feeling miserable and guilty and that it's all their fault and they're lazy etc etc, which kills any chance of even STARTING to solve the problem because you don't even realize there IS a problem beyond your direct control. and it doesn't stop. i sat there at 4am every sunday night weekend after weekend for years and years thinking "what the hell is wrong with me why couldn't i study this weekend why am i here again again again etc etc" and things would just be worse and worse. the biggest progress i've made to date is my acceptance that there IS a hard hard problem beyond my direct control that i have that i have to deal with an ACCEPT for the time being and not feel miserable or guilty especially when it affects me. when i accept that, only then can i fight it. society thinks it's laziness. but if we really had complete choice, only an insane person would CHOSE to do nothing from friday afternoon till sunday at 4, would CHOSE not to bother even trying to fight it, etc... obviously when i've said to myself before i even begabn solving ADD that i was going to work on a friday, and could be 100% sure that i would be there sunday night no matter how hard i tried, THERE'S A PROBLEM BEYOND MY CONTROL. and society and especially people's parents blame the kid. it's been labeled a fucking DISORDER! and no one with ADD can accept that it's not really their fault. anyway, that's the ONE thing i've completely set in stone up till now. that foundation must be laid. i must never feel guilty and realize there's a problem and keep fighting and relax and not worry too much about the direct consequences of the problem right now because it will be solved eventually and i have to be patient, etc, etc.
anyway, so first i had those techniques, and then PC gave me an amazing amazing vision and weapon to start solving the problem with, which i did... in short, i did the above (made a "fighter" who won't give up and won't be miserable) and constantly tried to drill in the positive, optimistic, enthusiastic, etc etc, worker who was going to kiss life's ass and who had no problem's with ADD, etc. but even then i was only making steady but slow progress. NOW, just a week and a half after seeing the matrix, i'm taking everything to a third level. i've realized now that it's almost limitless what is changable in my head, and that even the notions that it can't be done within a few months are probably completely changable. seeing the matrix really made me step back and question the nature of reality, and i've realized that i live in a little bubble and don't really realize just how much i can COMPLETELY change around the ideas and notions in my head.
anyway anyway anyway, that's where i am now. and yes i wasted this entire three day weekend up till 9:38pm just like usual, but the difference is, during it all, i didn't feel completely miserable about it. and today when it came time to try to work stuff out, in the face of tons of potential misery and guilt and etc that in the past would have sent me crying or staring midlessly at the walls for 5 hours or screaming in my head at myself etc etc, i keep standing and smiling and calmly regrouping and deciding what to do next, etc.
one thing i've realized is that i CAN'T BE PERFECT in my methods of doing stuff to solve this problem. you see at this third phase in this war there's now SO much that i could be doing it's unfathomable. i've basically just realized the totally RAW potential that exists to beat ADD. it's like psycho cybernetics itself -- okay, so you can change things. what do you change? it's a big vague quesiton. and now mroe than ever i see just how much is utterly utterly changable and as giant confusing webs of methods and techniques fly through my mind, it's really easy to get upset and nervous and confused and miserable that i'm doing things as well as i could be doing them. but you know what? that's completley impossible. being perfect with this stuff is just completely impossible because there's simply SO MUCH that ANYTHING i do will be lacking in something else or some other technique that i could be using... SO i've come to realize that i'm just going to mostly do the best i can, worry about a few things at a time, and not worry about perfection.
so what am i doing? simple. improvising. i'm not setting out some extreme complicated plan for me to follow. sometimes a vague lack of a direct plan can be disconcerning when i'm standing on the line not knowing whether to eat the food or go downstairs and do my homework, because i grip for something in my head that i set out previously that says "this is what you should be doing now", which is why i spent most of today thinking about the plan i'm going to undertake, but my big solution to everything is just to kind of improv for the time being. experiment with this really cool weapon -- amazing control to change anything around in my head. and the solution to the problem of "what do i do right now?" at any given time is this: just improv. you don't need a plan; you've been training yourself for two years on how to deal with this problem; you're like a jedi knight being trained in the ways of the force. you have a lot of knowledge now and can USE it to get out of the kitchen. just DON'T let yourself think that you can't be doing anythign just cause there isn't an exact plan.
and an _exact_ plan is something i CANNOT possibly have right now given the nature of how open and vague this new idea is i have to work with. the basic idea right now is "you have an astonishing power over your mind to change things around to help yourself win and fight ADD. **USE** **IT**. so today i just started drilling in the ideas "i don't have to keep fighting like this anymroe! i can make extreme progress. i'm just not going to click that icon anymore or eat that chip when i'm extremely distracted. i'm going to be the so and so enthusiastic person and i can become him 24/7 quicker than i think. I'M GOING TO BE THIS ERSON and do these things and nothing is going to stop me...." etc. that's a bad phrasing of what i'm really telling myself but it's good enough. the point is i'm trying to present myself with the idea that i can change faster than i think i can change. i'm attacking the methods which attack the problem. before it's like "okay i'm here being distracted again, that's okay, it's really hard i have to be here, etc, i'll just slowly try to get myself away", NOW i'm saying "no! you don't have to be there at all. in fact you can start not being there right now, and right now we can be the person who doesn't even have to attack the problem because we're not even going to let it give the CHANCE to exist anymroe..." etc. etc. to infinity
so that's where i am. techniquesless,except for the basic foundation: relax and don't feel guilty -- and the technique "DO SOMETHING DAMNIT!" :)
... [a bit later]. you know it's weird; i'm starting to sometimes feel so content and cumfy within certain mindsets that there's almost this kind of frantic worry that it's all going to disappear. like now, it's 11:44 and just a few minutes ago, in the face of the instict to get all upset once i suddenly realized just how much time i'd wasted (most of it) from friday to monday night, i smiled and realized exactly what to do. getting upset has gotten too old. i'm done with that. now i just grin and realize it's no big deal, realize that it's caused by a problem that i'm in the process of solving and just to keep fighting, etc... and i come downstairs and am really happy at being able to BE happy at 11:47 when i've done nothing the whole weekend, be at peace with myself and at the same time still know how to continue beating the problem. it's just something that's torn me apart for SO long -- being miserable and deeply deeply depressed and distressed under circumstances like these -- that it's almost unreal being ABLE to do the oppositte. being at peace. ooo. it's kind of like the thought that almost made me cry once sitting on that dark, still, calm porch that i love so much, when i realized that i couldn't even remember one time over the past few months when i was silent, at peace. and BEING at peace in that stillness was just a complete contrast to every moment of every day for months before -- rushed and nervous and busy and frantic... and now, at 11:52, i'm still. quick impulses to get infuriated and miserable and guilty etc etc etc come to mind but i know i'm beyond them right now. and being able to be at PEACE, here, now, is almost enough to make me cry. it's happened so many times.... so many times.... over and over and over.... bleeding to death again and again.... days. weeks. months. years. AEONS...... like chinese water torture. so painful. so upsetting. so ingrained in the form of habit that i should be utterly miserable right now that my brain almost can't accept that i'm not. that i'm here. at 11:58. at peace. it just doesn't quite make sense. it's like it's a dream -- some fantasy -- and this world's about to pop. i feel deathly afraid to go to sleep for fear i'll wake up -- and this will all be gone. this completely warm cumfy content feeling that everything's okay and i d o n ' t h a v e t o f e e l m i s e r a b l e . . . . no dark haunting pain. just cumfiness. and it's kind of been like this for the whole weekend. i KNOW that for this moment all the dark misery and frantic nervousness and sorrow is NOT just going to jump right back up and send me crying and staring into a black void in hellish pain. this is too solid. almost in the same way that the pain has been ingrained into me over and over and over, i've drilled into myself the calmness and hope that i don't have to feel miserable right now. that N O M A T T E R H O W M A N Y T I M E S i come here, i just have to relax and not let guilt and misery sink in. to the point where it just becomes tiring to begin to get frustrated and frantic and worried and sorrowful again again again every single time i come here. i'm continuously steeling myself with the ability to relax and not worry; to see beyond every petty little battle and just calm down and realize i'll get there eventually if i just keep plugging. i have just as much reason as ever right now to feel miserable -- it's past midnight and i won't even get 6 hours sleep right now -- but i don't. in fact until i just wrote that sentence, i didn't really realize just how little sleep i'd be getting. i've kept saying to myself all night that i'll at least get SIX hours... and in instant reflex to a moment where usually the reflex would be to get extremely upset and then run to the tv and feel miserable about everything, i laughed. i really laughed. i laughed at how utterly silly it _would_ have been to get that way, knowing i've done it over and over and over since the dawn of time. i'm very tired, and i'm still getting no sleep, but THAT'S OKAY. i can even not hand in my homework tommorrow or flunk so and so and THAT'S OKAY. i'm relaxed, at peace, and above all, cumfy. i'm just at completely relaxed peaceful comfyness with life and my progress in solving my problems. and again, i'm almost afraid that all this will dissapear come tommorrow or next week. it's UNREAL. but it won't disapear. oh, i'll have my ups and downs, of course; who knows, by tommorrow morning i could be all distressed and etc etc again, but i know what to do then. i know what to keep telling myself. keep drilling in. and if i'm not really already sunk in to being calm and relaxed and facing my problems and such, being cumfy -- i mean, if it hasn't yet sunk in to the point where i'm almost always like this -- it will. it will. it's pretty hard to go downhill. once i really realize how stupid it is to get worried and upset over things, i get worried and upset less and less every day. this feeling will come again if it doesn't happen to stick with me until morning, and it will start to sink in 24/7, if it hasn't already. i'm going to refuse to get upset. i'm going to be calm and at peace, which is the best foundation i can possibly lay for really fighting this thing. and then, all i have to do is keep fighting.
i SCREAMED in the car today, "I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!", talking about my inability to take complete control of my life. that these damn emotions keep coming back and i continuously fail to take complete control. i just KNOW that there's a way to just completely take over and change everything to exactly how it should be, starting NOW, snowballing quickly tumbling over a few stumbling blocks and extremely soon after becoming that 120% enthusiastic person with no problems etc.
so i started thinking of a solution. no time to finalize it; i have to get to bed now. but here's the gist of what i came up with: basically, all these techniques -- visualizing then jumping, blabbing to myself for 15 minutes until i've changed my mood, etc... basically, "improvving" on the spot, just serve each moment as it comes. i try to force myself into a different mood whenever i need to but the problem is that even when i DO manage to get into that mood i just slip right back. and there's not really any definition as to how i'm supposed to exactly go about "improvving" (as in improv, not improve). i'm just kind of wandering about. the most progress i think i've made with ANYTHING in this entire battle is the "foundation" i've layed down to help fight ADD. i've told myself "lighten up; it's a problem beyond your control and you're just going to have to accept it for the moment, it's NOT YOUR FAULT, and it's no big deal if you're being distracted right now. no guilt" etc.... basically this has been changing not my mood from moment to moment but it has served to alter a fundamental universal UNDERLYING perception that i constantly have. it's not perfect yet but that's where it almost is: to the point where it becomes so instinctive that i don't even have to drill in again again for the 100th time "okay remember we're not ever feeling guilty about this problem"... i'm creating a belief that i want to have 100% of the time. and if i just continuously drill it in enough, it works.
this is kind of what i've been TRYING to do with the bigger stuff: i've said "okay we need to be that 120% optimist etc and the goal is to become him whenever necesarry".... but that's been pretty vague and undirected, leaving me fighting battle by battle, in a world where it's perfectly normal for me to loose day after day after day; when if i just resolved to completely change my full underlying personality and drilled that in "I NEVER have to feel miserable about this! i'm COMPLETELY beyond this and i'm not sinking back in" or something; if i REALLY change everything, i think i can make a million times more progress.
remember how i've changed myself to be that extremely positive optimistic person like after wing commander (and remember how easily i had the power to completely change EVERYTHING after matrix).... those were great but i sunk right back into my underlying fundamental world. don't say to myself "i'm going to be the positive enthusiast who's going to tackle his work right now!" while holding on to all the much more deep-rooted BELIEFS of how miserable the work is. get at those roots.
tues 5/18/99 2:10pm ___SEMESTER SUMMARY___
REREAD THIS BEFORE YOU START SCHOOL IN FALL
it’s a day before my solfege final AND guitar jury yet somehow i’ve convinced myself the most important thing i can possibly do right now is sit here and write. hmpgh.
i’m so bloody confused – i think i’m JUST starting to come to terms with the fact that i have a LONG WAY TO GO. i thought i had everything solved at the beginning of LAST semester. i thought i had taught myself enough discipline where it would be EASY to just start from the beginning and do perfectly this time. HA. i’m now in my worst semester of my life. i’ve dropped 3 courses that i have to take over next semester and i very well may get a D on my solfege and guitar finals if i don’t actually study between now and 8am tommorrow morning. i don’t think my progress with ADD has gone downhill, i think my luck has just completely ran out, and i assume i’d be even worse off if i HADN’T made as much progress as i have to date. for instance, the past month or two has been extremely extremely hard; i’ve had more work put off and not done and have been further behind than almost ever before, BUT for a long time (a month?) i haven’t had ONE of those horrible horrible spells where i think life is utterly miserable and i smash things or cry, etc. if being in the worst slump ever and not having reverted once to usual miserable fits i have in conditions even far lighter than these doesn’t show that i’ve made progress, what does? there was ONE time recently i remember becoming miserable; but it lasted about 15 seconds. i realized instantaneously how ridiculous it was to be THAT utterly miserable. i said “oh god, look, you could go through 3 hours of convincing yourself to be completely perfectly optimistic again, and then you’d be perfectly fine again,” so i just sort of skipped the actual convincing and just clicked the positive person on (i wrote about this phenomenon in my little green pocket notebook).
anyway, i’ve made progress. yet still, i’m utterly utterly in the confusing chaotic MIDDLE of this entire battle. and i don’t quite have a set direction. for the past months i’ve basically been using the universal technique “IMPROVISE”, meaning, you’ve accumulated a lot of knowledge on how to deal with this problem, in different ways and under different circumstances, so just do at the time whatever you think is best to help you out. which has turned out to PERHAPS be more or less the thing i should be doing (though i’m not certain at all of this), but in any case it has been pretty confusing. there’s just too much to think about, too many things i should be putting in my head, too many wrong perceptions to fix, too many billions of ways to go about solving my problems, to the point where i barely know where to begin most of the time. i try to keep the one “foundation” i’ve been drilling into my head as a constant, to see the problem and worry about it so much and realize that it’s not my fault and not really worry about my schoolwork in the meantime and just be patient and optimistic, etc, etc, but sometimes that’s only so many repeated words. there are a TON of basic things i need to realize just like that, and despite my efforts to drill in that foundation, even THAT has only half gotten into my brain. because now, two years after i started solving this bloody problem, i STILL sit there with solfege and get to the point where it’s miserable and i’m going to flunk now and it’s horrible and i can’t do this and it’s harder than i expected and i’m going to flunk my guitar too and oh god what i am i going to do; i have to go eat something!!!.... which is of course immediately followed by the secondary misery “why am i so miserable!? i was just positive a second ago and i thought i had this all figured out and i shouldn’t be like this at all; i can’t believe i’m reverting back to this crap that should be all fixed and oh my god i’m going to flunk finals and etc etc etc etc etc....” i STILL haven’t learned the BASIC notion of staying calm, relaxed, in sight of the problem and the fact that it’s completely beyond me at the moment, THAT I HAVE LITTLE CONTROL OVER THIS and it’s COMPLETLEY EXPECTED that i’ll start feeling miserable 10 seconds after i thoguht i had everything all figured out, etc, and not to feel guilty and frantically worried, realize not to worry that i’m going to flunk things, ETC ETC ETC. it’s simple things like these that i’ve only partly excepted and still have a LONG WAY TO GO ON, not to mention the millions of other things that haven’t quite worked, the millions of other techniques that i should be using, the millions of advanced techniques that i’ve used or haven’t worked or forgotten about or some of the ways i’ve attacked this with great success that i’ve kind of forgotten about or haven’t been able to replicate or have tried and failed and ETC ETC ETC.... basically it’s just a giant confusing mess of millions and millions of endless ways and techniques and tools to fight this to the point where I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ANYMORE. “improv,” i say. but improv what?
***i know: maybe i should go through all these “solu”’s and make a giant list of ALL the techniques and mindsets and different ways of fighting this, etc, etc... and just keep reminding myself of the list and all the tools i have and on certain days just PICK one or two and use them.... but it’s so even beyond TOOLS. there are tools and the ideas that i don’t quite need that many tools but just one thing and the idea that it’s a mixture of both AND IT’S JUST BLOODY FUCKING UTTERLY CONFUSING.... but i do still think there’s a lot of potential value in the method of training myself with a hundred different various ideas and techniques and methods and create the person who eventually half the time doesn’t think about the techniques he’s using but it just becomes a part of him; like my photo teacher said about photography. you can study the liuttle methods and techniques to hold the camera, but once that’s all in, you just do all that naturally; you can’t be thinking about every little detail of how to hold the camera and where to keep light and shadow and the rule of thirds, etc. it just becomes a part of you. like almost any art, i guess. you could give music as an example as well. there’s no way in hell you can think of many rules or techniques while you’re IMPROVISING on guitar during a solo or something, but it’s all the training and playing for years that led you up to the point where you COULD improv that well.
but all this doesn’t mean that “just improv” is neccesarily the best fundamental technique to use, or maybe it is... i don’t know. i just know that for the past few months i’ve been doing that, but i’ve kind of lost track of how to go about doing what i should be doing. that is, i just think there are a million better ways i could have been doing things; i think i lost sight of many good perceptions and ways to put perceptions in my head, etc. i just get the feeling that i should have made so much more progress by now. i think maybe drawing up a list of all the techniques ideas etc. and revewing it often and reviewing my techniques and what’s working and not working may be a good battle plan for next semester. or even during the summer... because i just KNOW I COULD BE DOING SO MUCH MORE!!! for instance, there have been a minute few times when i’ve had this really cool realization of how locked into my world i am and how easy it is to just do things completely differently.... i.e. after wing commander, matrix, and once or twice after that when i’ve mildly recreated that perception. that’s just an example of me seeing myself making extreme progress; seeing the extreme power with which i can change my head around; but i’ve experienced almost none of that over the past month.
in summary, i think i have a long way to go, and should probably revise the way in which i’m attacking all of this before september. or even right after school. for the moment i’ll just try to keep a cool head for the next few days AND NOT FRANTICALLY WORRY LIKE FUCKING FRANTIC HELL about finals, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. i guess.
i still can’t help wondering if there’s a way to just make ONE big decision and completely not have to bother with this anymore...... or at least kind of like push the first domino and just fast snowball down to perfection...
A FEW RANDOM SEMI-NEW TECHNIQUES/THOUGHTS:
- “whatever these miserable feelings are, they come from a subconscious programmed over many years with false data and now that subconscious emits feelings that have no validity in my world now; i don’t have to pay attention to these feelings at all. i could sit here and think of all the causes of why i’m feeling this way, WHY my subconscious is giving me these feelings, and find ways to reverse them all, or i can just say “they’re completely invalid and i KNOW it and i don’t HAVE to sit here and find ways to reverse them; let these facts be reason enough to do it.”
- with unwanted sexual feelings; crushes etc, that i dwell on and that get in the way of everything – simply visualize the person who can deal with these things just fine; visualize who you ARE, this little misconfigured person who gets upset and lets these stupid feelings put him in these annoying emotional states, and then visualize the exact person to whom these feelings are completely no longer a problem, the person who has them but keeps them completely under control and is optimistically enthusiastically determined not to let any of them bother him and who has the extreme determination to do his work and live regardless of a few little feelings that HE HAS CONTROL OVER.
- REALLY REALLY realize it’s not your fault! it’s pretty much okay to go to ultimate frisbee and spectrum meetings even when you’re extremely behind because it’s not like this is something you’ve completely caused and have to make up for. really feel good about walking into a final and flunking it. feel good that you’ve identified the problem and are solving it and you’re not going to worry about ANYTHING in the meantime! don’t let what you KNOW the teachers are thinking get to you: “boy this is really dissapointing i thought he would do better” etc. know that you have an excuse as valid as “my uncle died and my family is going through trouble and i had to go to the funeral, etc” or “my house burned down”, etc. don’t feel so responsible that you loose sight of the fact that you ARE A VICTIM here. yet at the same time that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do your work! just don’t let ADD deter you from having some fun and hanging with your friends now and then if you want to; don’t fret about it too much.
- when you keep going back and then run away and fail and then pick yourself up again and then fail and run away and then pick yourself up again with the same techniques, etc, on and on and on, ask yourself what you’re doing wrong!! do something differently, reconfigure something that you haven’t been reconfiguring. ask yourself “why do i keep running away? what perception do i have in my head that i’m not changing that allow that world to just suck me right back in every time i think i’ve stepped out of it?”
**END OF SEMESTER SUMMARY **
JUNE TO AUGUST 1999
i read an issue i bought of xy. a random stimulus of the millions that can affect me for some combination of reasons happens to trigger the all-to-familiar growing yearning to become someone great. someone extraordinary. someone who will fully accomplish so many of his vivid enthusiastic dreams and goals that he will astonish the most of the world who can’t imagine how anyone could possibly find the discipline to accomplish so many such extraordinary things...
i take a pencil and paper and draw out for the dozenth time the amazing super-accomplished person i want to be. and steadily growing is the determination that i’m going to get there without the slightest option of failure. i’m sick of losing. i’m sick of wasting my time. i’m sick of doing nothing. i’m sick of crying, of whining, of moping... I AM THE PERSON WHO WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS WITHOUT FAIL. I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH TO REACH THE GOALS I HAVE SET OUT FOR MYSELF. I WILL blah blah blah blah and you get the idea. i’m going to become that person at any cost. i have the mental knowledge. details can be worked out later, but i MUST – RIGHT NOW – CREATE THIS PERSON....
(i’ve left out almost exactly a month of important stuff; i’ll make some kind of summary later but for now i’m just going to go on with what i’ve thought about/learned today without explaining what’s missing inbetween)
okay the basic foundation that i should accept the problem and not worry no matter how bad it is right now plus telling myself to be extremely enthusiastic and determined and active and non-lazy about solving the problem and not letting myself waste hours of time for nothing is pretty good, but still it isn’t doing quite enough. i think i have to go back to instilling the extreme enthusiasm i tried to instil at points (and did succesfully, i.e. after wing commander and other points), for LIFE; see my millions of goals and say I’M GONNA GET THERE AND I’M NOT LETTING ANYTHING GET IN MY FUCKING WAY. i think kind of having enthusiasm loses sight of the goal. solving a problem isn’t much of a motive to fight like all hell. getting to my fucking dreams and not letting anything stand in my way IS. i have to remember that and not lose sight of the goal.
6/18/99 (month after school ended)
alright. big summary. basically i dropped three courses and got a D in theory so i’m basically taking FOUR courses over next semester or soon. i got two F’s and the D which sunk my three-semester 3.6 gpa to a 3.0 in one semester. explanation? in short? i ran out of luck. my study habits have always been about the same: study the last 4 weeks of material covered the night before a test and get a good grade. i’m POSITIVE, take my word for it, i’m not in some weird denial or something, that NOTHING EXTREME HAPPENED that made my studying habits a hundred times worse or something. there are a million factors and the bottom line is i’ve been EXTREMELY lucky up to date getting good grades with my atrocious studying habbits and it just so happened that every bit of that luck just completely went dead last semester, along with a hundred other minor factors. dad and mom say they haven’t seen this “progress” that i’ve been making with ADD and want to send me to someone. i’ve made an agreement with dad to give me the summer and one more semester to continue doing things on my own and then i’ll consent to maybe going to see an “expert”.
the trouble is, it may sound presumtuous of me, but i think i’m already making more progress in how to solve ADD than i bet most “experts” are themselves. basically, i think scheduling and setting times or riddlin or anything else are just getting AROUND the problem. the ultimate goal should be to have someone so ABLE to deal with ADD every moment in any given situation so that you can HAND him that massive freeedom and not worry that he’s going to go crazy and not get anything done. where someone has the mental discipline not to HAVE to go crazy using crutches like scheduling the rest of their lives to help them out.
people go into the army and come out extremely disciplined and in much greater control of all their emotions and feelings. in the same way you can change the mindset of ADDers to be able to handle all the chaotic extremly-hard-to-control impulses that push us away from doing things right. we have to learn to develop the ability to CHANNEL this massive chaotic creative/distractive energy wherever we want. anyway i doubt there are many psychologists that deal with methods that go anywhere as close to going through the CENTER of the problem as these do. who knows i could be wrong. in any case I HAVE THE TOOLS TO COMPLETELY HANDLE THIS MYSELF and i’ll have to speed up the proccess and show mom and dad this.
alright, now today, i walked out of leon’s office who just had given me approval to just work whatever the hell hours i wanted and whenever i wanted (part time, full time, whatever). i asked this because i have to viciously study and catch up on theory and discrete math, plus there’s a band, plus the spectrum crowd, plus getting together with my lex friends, plus frisbee, plus the 4,000 things i should be doing to advance towards my dreams like finishing my poems and fingerstyle guitar etc etc etc....
anyway i walked out and the first impulse i had was to scream “YES I’M FREE!!!”. the second impulse i had was to realize that my first impulse was one of the most dangerous destructive and threatening thoughts/feelings/impulses i’ve ever had my entire life. basically, last summer i had a lot of trouble even getting 40 hours in when i had 1/8th of the stuff i have to do now to do and a fixed sheculde, and getting schoolwork done WITH all the duedates and stuff has of course been extremely hard as well. right NOW i have to work on a completley open schedule, AND get studying done with absolute freedom of how to get that studying done, BOTH of which present me with freedom i have never even experienced before. with free time in vacations i can’t even do what i WANT to do let alone THIS, now. so that was my second impulse. the attitude “yay i’m free” will only end in BLOOD. i’ve barely made significant progress with school and now i have the hardest possible situation i could ever deal with and it’s more important than ever as well. twenty times the freedom and five times as much to do and organize and all ten times as important as ever before. THIS IS HARD. this is the most critical point in my life so far, where all of my knowledge and everything i’ve learned about ADD, and all my dreams and goals and hopes of reaching them, ALL have to start converging right now and catalyst forward the person who will start taking full control of everything and who can accomplish his dreams. there’s no diddlying around for another year. that will be disasterous. i have the chance NOW to reconstruct EVERYTHING and do everything right NOW and if i do i’ll have a greater chance of reaching all my dreams than i can possibly imagine...
so, i realized this, and my first impulse was to get extremely excited because i’d been writing in my little notepad about how revolutionary my solution to ADD can be to my life and i knew it could happen and think it could and will etc, and I DID get excited that i’m at the edge of the rest of my entire life, etc.... yet a half an hour later my hands were shaking and i felt like throwing up. a half an hour that i just wanted to crawl in a corner with a rubber ducky and stay there for a month....
but i’m pretty damned determined. all my progress with ADD i think is FINALLY starting to come together and i think is going to start making exponential progress. basically here is my most current method to date of how to do this:
one: don’t worry; it’s a big problem don’t get upset no matter happens. 2) be extremely determined and enthusiastic to not let yourself dottle and work at solving the problem. 3) also be extremely determined and enthusiastic to REACH YOUR DREAMS and not let anything stand in the way. 4) take control over all your emotions; be the disciplined soldier-like person who doesn’t let himself be swayed by everything.
so that’s about it. that’s where i am at the moment. and i think i’m gonna do this.
a random technique i came up with today: focus on your outside image to try to change the inside one. i.e. i looked in a mirror today and realized i had a long way to go to be the extremely cute happy smiling 120% confident optimist that i want other people to SEE me as. try to ACT like this person; think of how you want to be seen, and in trying to do that you’ll be altering the person inside who emits that image.
two weeks of virtually 0 hours of work! it’s crazy. and yesterday and a few days before it was REALLY starting to get to me. i was reverting to my horrible bouts of misery where i’d sit and hold my head and sometimes cry that things were so bad (i had this whole schpiel with the clock where i tore it off the wall, tore off the second hand, etc; i wrote a semi-poem about it). but i figured out why today. when i used to have vacations from school, not only could i certainly not do the little homework i had, but i couldn’t even manage to finish a poem or something i set out to accomplish SOMETIME during that 9 days! when i have absolute freedom (i.e. vacation), it’s very very very hard for someone with ADD like me to fucntion. so COMPLETLEY FORGET having to work, and do schoolwork, and other stuff, on a completely open summer schedule! i’ve never experienced anything NEAR this kind of freedom before and it’s perfectly expectable that it’s so bad that even the progress i HAVE made so far would do little to prevent me from getting absolutely nothing done. and i didn’t quite expect that, hence the situation completely depressed me cause i’d never really failed this much in a long time. but it’s understandable cause nowhere in my life have i ever experienced this kind of extremely dangerous uncontrolable freedom.
solution: realize how INCREDIBLY hard this is and factor it in to the part of my plan that says “don’t worry it’s not your fault.” expect DISASTEROUS results over the next few weeks if they happen to occur, and don’t get miserable if they happen to happen. just keep fighting. that’s the main revision to my plans. after that, do everything the same. i’m using the plan: 1) don’t worry it’s not your fault don’t feel miserable, 2) don’t be the person who’s going to sit there apathetically and not do anything; be in a fighting mode 100% of the time, attack the problem, visualize the person who lets fear and misery drag him off – visualize the guy who sits there for twenty minutes eating feeling half-miserable and DON’T BE HIM. be he who attacks his problem vicously and doesn’t tajke anything sititng down, who doesn’t need to sit in the chair and feel miserable but can sit in the chair and positively battleplan-attack what’s going to happen next. (that basically takes care of attacking the PROBLEM – this part factored into the plan a little while ago when i realized i wasn’t being enthusiastic enough about my problem; i would sit for two hours in apathy when i really should be using all my power to be attacking the problem and not rest; and i recently distinguished between attacking the PROBLEM and attacking LIFE, that’s 3...). 3) be he who attacks LIFE. who wants to accomplish a million things and WILL and has the extreme enthusiasm to do what it takes to reach for his dreams and won’t let anything stand in his way. and 4) improv; use whatever combination of techniques you feel is necesary at this given time to help you out at this particular moment and with this particular problem or aspect of the problem. (the first 3 give me a general attitude to work from, but there’s still a HELL of a lot of exact specific work to be done – i.e. planning to go to bed at a certain time, drilling in the notion that i’m NOT going to pick up the remote no matter WHAT, deciding to be relaxed at work and not worry, telling myself i need to learn how to say no to my friends once in awhile to go out somewhere, planning my week, making myself socially confident, etc etc etc etc.... the details are everything...
i think i’m making a lot of progress on eating especially. creating the person who doesn’t even want to pick up a piece of food but who loves eating health food and is extremely enthusiastic enough to not let a few silly wants (for food) overcome him if he has them and has the discipline to overcome them, who thinks it’s crap and who can decide for himself what he does and does not want to eat, etc... basically i just visualize the vulnerable weak emotional person and replace him with the confident person who’s going to march into the kitchen, eat an apple, spit on the cookies, and march out. it may not always work instantaneously, but more and more i’m walking into the kitchen finding that that attitude is half there already because it’s being constructed and i already am developing the impulse not to want it, without having to specifically use techniques before i’ll get that feeling.
when all else fails, visualize everyone you don’t want to be and completely cancel them all out and decide to be exactly who you want to be.
i looked in the mirror a second ago and saw my face in a sort of “idle” state when it wasn’t doing much and whose “idle” mentality kind of shown through. like the kind of face someone might see as i’m just kind of sitting down thinking about something when i’m not doing much. it was a kind of shy, awkward, intimidated face. i looked down and then looked back up putting on a cute optimistic jockish “idle” face and my god was it a hell of a lot cuter. half of sexual attraction is in personality and if i can condition myself to feel that way ALL the time – confident and curious and amused and not fearful or shy or socially awkward or wary – if i can be that way, have that look, without thinking about it (cause hell what am i going to do, think about it every second i’m alive, every time i’m not talking?), then i can be twice as cute, not to mention twice as happy because in order to have that OUTWARD look, the INWARD feeling that causes that look has to be ingrained.
ok i just came out of bick’s with the lex crowd and got in my car and experienced total nosh. like, i know there are a thousand things to change in my head in life other than stuff directly dealing with ADD and shcool and stuff, and a thousand ways to change them, but i’ve never really defined a set plan for attack the rest of life that doesn’t deal with ADD. and right now i realized my attitudes kind of needed a little work / i.e. i still have a ways to go before i’m this optimistic positive 120% socially confident person who people just meet once and say “wow i want to be like that.” so anyway i didn’t quite know what to do so what i realized is that i need a new “plan” to deal with the rest of life as well as ADD/my problems. i think i tried this once before but not much came of it. anyway i think it’s perfectly possible to model this plan after the ADD plan; i.e. make it a mirror plan that’s almost the same that just deals with slightly different circumstances. i.e. my ADD plan is “accept the problem don’t worry it’s not your fault, always be confidently attacking the problem, always be confidently attacking LIFE, have the discipline to control your feelings no matter what they say,” and finally i improv. my new plan towards life in general could be something like “don’t worry about whatever problems you’re having don’t worry they’re just bugs to be worked out and whatever you do don’t get upset about them; always be confidently attacking the problem of how to get wherever you want to get; and maybe then improv.
6/27/99 sat noon
you know i just realized that i think i had been making more progress than ever before the past few weeks. (mental progress not actual obvious physical results progress of course). i had actually become the person who wouldn’t sit for 5 hours being miserable for the standard reasons and who would attack life. the real trouble was the freedom was SO big that even this wasn’t enough to do much. i would decide with a good disciplined mind that it was now a good time to write a two hour letter and just didn’t realize that i probably should have decided to allocate that time to something else. it WASN’T a mindless distraction. the thing that killed me the last few days was getting extremely upset at the lack of physical results when i HAD been making such good mental results! that was the conflict and that’s always been the conflict (“i try and try and try but STILL i’m here at 3am sunday night it doesn’t make sense what’s wrong this is miersable!?!”), but the point is now i think i can CONTINUE being the person with that positive attack-life attitude and just need to learn exactly how to organize this freedom. and some organization i DO definitely need. the thought of “scheduling” as a technique the other day occured to me and i thought it might work --which has NEVER worked before because as i said to the suggestion of scheduling from josh’s mom, “that wouldn’t help because i’m ALWAYS trying to do my schoolwork i’m ALWAYS in schoolwork mode 100% of the time there’s no time to ALLOCATE towards schoolwork cause i’m doing it all the time! the problem is i can’t do schoolwork WHEN i’m supposed to be doing that”. i think i was actually that bad where even scheduling didn’t work because the work was too miserable to do even while it was scheduled. NOW it doesn’t make me miserable as much and i have this positive kickass attitude and i think scheduling for the first time in my life would actually help me because i ethusiastically emphatically will have the attitude that i want to keep on the schedule and do things right.
so in short i think i HAVE made an extreme amount of progress and just need to keep going and remember to NOT WORRY if it still all happens to fail because that’s simply the nature of it but at the same time be extremely enthusiastic about trying to get it NOT to fail. if i ACTUALLY achieve the plan i have set out for me this week to do everything right it will be an **EXTREME** accomplishment, NOT just doing what’s expected of me!!!! i must remember that.
also i found it amazing today how i came down from arguing with dad about them interfering with my life and came downstairs and could have easily started crying and smashing things etc etc etc but almost INSTANTLY i instinctively recognized that person, cancelled him, and instilled the exact oppositte person who will attack life viciously and not even go near that other person and after a few minutes i was the person who WOULDN’T EVEN GO UPSTAIRS FOR A SPOONFUL OF ICE CREAM!!! this after an extremely distructive argument that threatened to send me crying and screaming and smashing things like i would have a year ago.... then i went over my plan and continued. i will get there. period.
6/28/99 mon noon
i’m not quite sure EXACTLY what causes me to have success & failures when it comes to eating food when i shouldn’t be eating any. but i think one thing to try is to use the technique more often: “i’m an extremely posiitve optimistic life-enthusiastic person who isn’t going to let himself be led aside by these wishy washy emotions! i’m going to attack ALL of life and be STRONG and make my own decisions! i can tell this food to go away and not control me!” versus dealing with it a little more directly like i more often do: “1) i don’t need to eat food because there’s no reason to need to get away from life cause life’s great”-- i don’t think this works very much mainly because the sense that “life sucks i need to eat something!” is an emotion kind of instilled over a period of time and can’t quite be undone with one quick thought; the key is kind of number two: “2) visualize the person who’s vulnerable and who’ll sit there eating when things bother him then visualize the person who doesn’t even need food and won’t touch it and is positive & enthusiastic about keeping in shape etc”, which changes the mindset over a long period of time to the point where half the time i find myself in the kitchen already IN that mindset or at least not far from it because it takes a little while and a lot of repetition for those ideas to sink into my unconscious. but the first technique i mentioned to try more often “3) i’m gonna be able to tell any emotions what the fuck to do and they’re not gonna have power over me!” is so general that if i can instill it well it could help me out in all of life, not just eating. in retrospect i think the parts of 2) above that make 2 work are the same aspects of 3) that make three work so well. meaning it doesn’t really matter if we’re talking about food or not the idea is to eventually get into my head the enthusiasm and control i have over life regardless of how this control is obtained. though if i use 3) i get an attitude more applicable to all of life. but 2) helps too since it’s more specific to that case.
have i mentioned i basically have four techniques in my ADD plan now?
be enthusiastic & attack the problem
be enthusiastic & attack life
have enthusiastic soldier-like discipline to control your emotions
btw technique: imagine how every time you loose you’ve lost a battle against your opponent and have the strength to keep fighting the war. this does two things: 1) takes the horrible blame away from yourself and 2) gives you the courage to keep fighting. it puts things in perspective at the same time it gives you the attitude on how to deal with things.
technique: say: “i KNOW that that miserable person who wants to go run away that i’m having trouble fighting at the moment is COMPLETELY INVALID IN ALL WAYS!! i don’t have to convince myself using all these techniques, i KNOW how ocmpletely invalid it is so just shut up! PLUS i’m the extremely enthusiastic FUCKING DETERMINED person who isn’t going to let those feelings take control of him and has the strength and motive to take control of THEM, and LIFE, HIMSELF.”
a few hours ago i had a very interesting talk with a bag of cookies. basically i ran into the kitchen – pretty positive and enthusiastic and pretty much had miserable emotions under control – but there was still this background thing that i REALLY needed to eat some food!!! i desperately wanted to pig out on EVERYTHIGN in the kitchen, not because i was miserable and wanted to run away from life really but i guess more out of habit, and i was hungry, and loved to eat junk, AND because of the background nervouseness that i couldn’t quite get rid of cause it had been building up all day. but anyway i was really positive and said “oh why the hell not this is too strong i should just do it” and started to, but then i thought maybe i shouldn’t and should stick to my plan but THEN i started having doubts about the plan itself seriously saying “well maybe there’s somethign wrong with NEVER eating junk food why can’t i have some once in awhile?” but the thing is i ALWAYS eat junk food and with me it’s all or nothing. but that’s not even the point. the question in front of me was which was better, someone who’s allowed to eat junk sometimes for fun or a health nut who never TOUCheS the stuff? i thought the extreme fun joy i got in eating junk was a good argument for the junk side. i really thought about this particular situations and i decided i DO want to be the person who doesn't eat junk food and is a health nut; this a wonderful person to become with many more benefits than a little random pleasure at eating junk. and he can have just as much fun (if not more) being positive and eating the healthy foods he knows are great for him as the junk addict can have -- ULTIMATELY that is; not at this given moment; i was envisisioning a person i knew i could become and decided i wanted to be him. i have to look at things from a top down perspective -- the american viewpoint of eating whatever you want -- and a completely separate person who won't succumb to that and who's conditioned himself to have a COMPLETELY different mindset. i HAVE to be able to envision what i want to become -- WHATEVER IT IS -- in life, and plow through all obstacles to become that thing.
and basically the way i said to do it was to create the pesron who has extreme disciplined control over his emotions and can be optimistic and enthusiastic and happy about taking control and doing whatever he knows he SHOULD be doing at the moment which means sticking to any LOGICALLY VALIDILY DEDUCED decisions he made such as "i'm going to become the person who eats NO junk food and all good stuff" and create that person regardless of how ingrained the other belief is.
** the above is very important; it's an extraordinary weapon because i can do ANYTHING if i can work on being the person who has the discipline to say no to a feeling or action JUST BECAUSE HE DECIDED EARLIER HE WASN'T GOING TO DO IT. be the person who ALWAYS follows through with his decisions no matter what AND feels optimistic and enthusiastically about doing so (which is really the only way to do it anyway), and rightly so, because in doing so i'm involving in something that will give me more vast and extraordinary power over sculpting my life than any set of random mental techniques could possibly do. i can have a completely objective view of my entire life and ALL the possibilities and say to myself "i'm going to do THIS!" and have the mentality and attitude and extreme discipline to be ABLE to back it up no matter what "it" is.
and of course when i decide something like that i'm also going to work on conditioning my mind so that it becomes a part of me so i don't HAVE to have the discipline to say NO to emotions i don't want, because i won't have those emotions once the conditioning is done.
if i work on general ways to make everything easier no matter what it is, i can achieve exponential progress with my plan to take over the world.
**strive to achieve *****UNREAL*****, INHUMAN discipline and control over your mind that will make people gawk and say “holy shit isn’t he human??”. stop worrying about small little problems so much and start working on methods to make yourself someone who can do ANYTHING without WORRYING about little techniques!
IRONICALLY the time it took me to come to that exceedingly useful conclusion with the cookies and write about it here has eaten up time into the night when i should have been sleeping which these very techniques are supposed to help me AVOID!!
this cookie/junk thing is REALLY cool. i ate my cereal this morning then immediately (of course) went over to the cabinet and wanted to eat some cookies or crackers. immediately it’s kinda like this flood of half-instilled emotions and instincts that kind of stop me for a moment and i say “okay what am i supposed to be doing here” – doing meaning what kind of things am i supposed to be putting in my head, NOT meaning whether i should eat the cookies or not cause it’s of course just a solid no that i shouldn’t be eating them. but there are a million different personalities i can create that will not eat the cookies. and basically this is what i drill in:
be the disciplined person who can say no to any emotion who doesn’t let himself get sidetracked
be the enthusiastic person who’s psyched about being able to stick with ANY decision no matter waht it is. be able to say “i’m going to keep my room clean; i’m going to pick everythign up off the floor once a day and organize it” and say to hell with the other messy person that’s been being instilled in my head for 19 years. and BE the person who’s capable of implementing such a quick decision. i have to be able to say, for practice, “i’m just not gonna jerk off for a month” and stick with the decision JUST because i decided it and because i’m not going to let emotion control me. i want to be not the pesron i am now would say that and jerk off in two days but he who could step above his entire perception of reality to make a decision and implement it no matter HOW much it’s instilled in me not to do that. i have to be able to say “i’m never going to eat junkfood again except on rare occations”, spend a moment making sure that’s what i want, say to hell with society’s influences, and then be able to it just because i decided i was going to.
thirdly i can actually work on changing my perception of things so that i don’t have to say no, it will just be natural. envision the human being who grabs at junk and envision the complete oppositte the health nut and instill the second! change your perception of eating junk to something that’s disgusting, filling you with fat and lard, and decide you want to be the person who’s going to be the health nut instead
now remember there are about multiple reasons why i wouldn’t go clicking the jupiter icon to go check my email for ten seconds when i know i should be the person who doesn’t involve in that distraction every two minutes:
out of guilt
because i decided i was going to be the person who didn’t click it every ten minutes and i’m going to stick with that choice no matter whether or not i really want to
because i’m furiously trying to attack my PROBLEM and i’m not going to let myself falter; i’m doing everything i can to overcome ADD
because i’m furiously trying to attack LIFE and i’m not going to let myself falter; i’m doing everything i can to become the great musician/poet/whatever i know i can be; i just have to have the extreme determined enthusiasm not to let anything stop me! and that means not wasting time checking email that i could be using to write a poem.
because i’m the disciplined soldier-like person who says NO to emotions i know i shouldn’t let lead me around. i’m not some wishy washy person who’ll be overcome by petty emotions but a sturdy soldier who takes control for himself
which ones do i use? all of them i guess (maybe save guilt). the idea is to constantly drill in all the things i need to be so that i have every chance to achieve my dreams. here’s my current plan (for LIFE not just ADD):
don’t worry about anything; relax and be calm no matter what
fight the problem of how to become better
fight LIFE to reach your goals
become the disciplined soldier who has control over emotions and ADD and the rest
be someone who will pick a person to be and enthusiastically stick with any of those decisions no matter how extraordinary.
IMPROV; change your perceptions of things using whatever web of techniques you need to to make everything better; the first 5 are just general attitudes to walk around with 100% of the day. there are billions of details to be worked out that i CAN’T plan for
7/2/99 friday noon
i’m still having a lot of trouble at work not being miserable. in fact it was really bad wednesday. the entire day was just a constant furious battle to stay sane. i can’t even get IN to the monsterous web of techniques that i was using to try to change things. and something in me despeartely wants to sit here and list every stupid little bloody one, but i told myself firmly that there’s a point where i simply can’t write down every stupid little thing that happens to me; at some point it gets so intuitive or complicated or whatever that you simply can’t take the 7 hours to sit down and break apart everything and analyze every technique you used over the course of the day and every slight version of each technique and why each slightly little version did or did not work and how it interacted in this particular situation with every other slight variation of slightly new or old techniques, ETC! you write down what you can, and the rest just has to stay in your head. getting down EVERYTHING is ludicrous.
but i do want to sumarzie the last few days at home. basically i’m doing much better than the last two weeks in that i’m not sitting for hours late at night from 1am on when i should be sleeping or from noon on when i should be going to work. the real realization that i should NOT feel guilty and miserable no matter how hard it is or how much i’ve failed has kicked in this week. there really hasn’t been more than a few minutes i don’t think where i sat and just felt miserable at the whole problem and didn’t jump up saying “alright forget it it’s not my fault i’m going to move on now” and continue attacking the problem. and again the reason i think i had to backtrack to that technique was because this summer has been SO unexpedly completely impossible with the crazy freedom that i felt guilty that i wasn’t accomplishing ANYTHING. now i’ve just TOTALLY ingrained the idea in my brain that i can’t feel bad about the situation no matter what. i still do things like email for 2 hours when i should be heading to work but i’m emailing cause i just love it and have to and haven’t yet developed the discipline to email REALLY QUICKLY, but it’s NOT because i’m miserable and desperately need a distraction from life. i just need to organize my time better when i’m emailing and maybe spend 15 minutes instead of 2 ½ hours writing a reply to a long message... basically i’ve been mostly postive.
except that there’s this weird unexpected unidentified misery that keeps popping up. after days of dealing with it i finally think i’ve regognized what it is: once again, i’ve somehow fallen into the habit of expecting too much from myself, expecting to be perfect, and when i have the urge to grab a cracker this misery sets in like “no! you can’t do this! oh, no! we’re failing!!”. i.e. this morning this happened and i ran out on the porch and stared out the window, where i immediately checked myself and said “well ok you just failed for a bit but we’re going to keep attacking the problem we’re NOT going to sit here and waste 4 hours being miserable for nothing etc”. which brought me to how i was going to attack this misery that popped up. and i think i just have to bring back the technique “no matter WHAT you’re doing; it’s okay! don’t worry about it, you’re human, you can sit there and eat the donut if you want to, don’t get miserable about it” etc... that revolutionizing technique that i discovered that day in the car with the donut. i think the tecnique “you ahve to be disciplined and take control of your emotions” may have contributed to this, because i would go to do something and think, because of that, “no! you can’t do that you’re disciplined and can’t do it! you have to go do what you don’t WANT to do!” when instead i should be motivating myself by enthusiasm to not do it, not guilt. so i’m changing this technique to be what i’m calling “enthusiastic discipline”, discipline that says “i’ve decided i’m taking positive control of my life because i want to achieve things and i’m enthusiastically going to decide to not let these emotions lead me astray from this path” etc.
I HAVE TO MOTIVATE ALL ACTIONS BY POSITIVE MOTIVATION AND INFLUENCE!! NO NEGATIVE EMOTIONS OR TECHNIQUES WHATSOEVER CAN SLIP INTO MY HEAD OR MY MENTALITY, BECAUSE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS CAUSE DISTRESS AND MAKE ME WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. it has to be okay when i’m not doing what i’m supposed to be doing, and i have to be positive when i’m deciding i’m going to be doing what i’m supposed to be doing instead of what my emotions tell me i want to do, and i have to feel completely positive and enthusiastic with every action i take...
ok so i had a glimpse of one of these miserable little feelings that keep infesting me. i kinda turned myself positive and at the thought of attacking the problem again which was kind of defined to be really hard at this particular point, this immediate sudden impulse of a fourth of a second said “oh my god! but the problem is too hard! it’s too hard to deal with! i have to start feeling miserable now!” and basically i have to condition myself to be someone who has the mindset “no problem is miserable and it’s pointless to run away from anything” develop the strong determined person who in the face of the impulse to run will decide to attack instead. is this a new technique or an old one?...
all misery can be detered by two facts. 1) i’ve already decided i’m going to achieve what i know is possible to achieve no matter how hard it is, and 2) it’s extremely fucking gun-to-my-head push-my-eye-out-with-a-knife-screaming-i’d-rather-be-in-hell hard. being miserable about this second fact serves no purpose. when i’ve already decided that it IS possible, it’s just HARD, NOT impoossible, then the only thing left to do is do whatever it takes to push to get there. everything else – complaining, feeling miserable that at the moment that i’m at a particularly hard point – is a complete.... waste.... of time.
what’s a day? really, what’s a day in the overall course of this gigantic endless battle? WHAT’S ONE DAY? it’s one day you’ve lost. tough. i’m not going to be the person who lets himself get all miserable and hopeless and torn apart but a day of loss or a week of loss. i’m going to pick up and keep fighting optimistically and KEEP FIGHTING.
today i’ve had almost as bad a loss as last thursday when i tore off the second hand of the clock, decided not to go to the colective soul concert because i was THAT miserable and needed to be alone and figure things out, and actually broke down and cry. again, i have to reafirm that i’m losing this badly right now at this stage because of the extreme extreme freedom that having an open work schedule presents. things like email sidetrack me when i’m positive and then the fact that i didn’t do ANYTHING over the course of the day or the week make me miserable when i simply have to realize that the situation is JUST THAT BAD. i have to keep losing with dignity, pick my gun up again, and run towards ADD firing with all speed.
oh, i just said the funniest thing. i was almost convinced i was about ready to go to work and get three hours in (it’s 8 at night for christ’s sake and i needed to get 14 hours worked today to make 20), and i had the thought, “well why bother i’ll just be fighting this same miserable battle THERE even if i can get out the door.” and i replied, “yeah, but at least then i’ll be getting PAID for it!”
7/3/99 sat 2:29am
okay. we’re trying this again. basically these past few weeks have been hell. i keep starting each one off with extreme determation but it’s like i’m enthusiastically jumping into a pool with no water and landing flat on my face! finally last week i thought i’d realized how bad things were and was determined not to get upset no matter how bad things got but yet again i sat here today (friday, yesterday really) in complete hell the entire day, crying at the end and i even got so mad at one point as to break the towel holder (wooden thingie) in the bathroom. please trust me when i say it was utter hell and don’t ask me to make pages of extremely vivid description. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE THAT HALF THE TIME LIVING WITH ADD WAS UTTER HELL AND DON’T EVER EVER EVER FORGET HOW MUCH PAIN I HAD TO GO THROUGH. it’s easy to forget that kind of stuff after i’m positive and happy and no problems anymore (heh, if THAT ever happens). basically i’m trying again and this is one of the first times in my life where i don’t feel like i have a good grip on what’s going to happen next. i really don’t know. week after week this summer i kept jumping into it with these WILD expectations like “i’m going to work at least 10 hours this week!!” and was utterly devistated when things didn’t work out. again i asked myself, ARLRIGHT, how are we going to do this again this week? and it’s hard, really. i tried realizing how bad things could get, so i don’t get depressed about them, but that didn’t even work for 30 seconds let alone a week cause i immediately started to feel “oh god but i’m going to fail and that’s miserable!” making me realize just how important it is to NEVER ALLOW ANY NEGATIVITY WHATSOEVER INTO ANYTHING I DO OR PLAN. so i’m like “well shit that’s not going to work” and i think for a minute and try instead, “i may be at a difficult time in the plan right now but it doesn’t matter one bit because i’m going to be extremely determined and smash through ALL obstacles, even this hard week, in order to get where i’m going. YES i may fail utterly but i’m going to be determined NOT to let that get me down no matter how many times i fail and KEEP pushing toward that goal because i KNOW it’s there and i KNOW i can reach it and i’m not going to let anything get in my fucking way!”
so that’s the basic revision. not much of a change but i don’t really know what to do anymore. if i utterly utterly fail this week i’m going to have to try something drastically different. i need money, i need to study those courses this summer, and more than anything i have to be able to fully function within this environment to prepare me for school next semester.
oh a cool analogy i made to me being in this extreme freedom situation is teaching someone who doesn’t know how to swim in the shallow waters, or throwing them in the deep end and pray they don’t drown. that way, they’ll learn a lot faster cause they have to to survive, but it’s fucking hard... and plus you could die, which would suck.
7/27/99 1:25am month summary
most of my progress in the past month is written out and brainstormed on little sticky notes and sheets of blue paper hanging around somewhere. in short, I’M FINALLY STARTING TO GET A GRIP ON THINGS. the first half of the summer was utter hell; 3 / 4 of the time i was banging my head against the wall crying or breaking things. now i’m just starting to get on my feet again. i haven’t just sat and stared at the walls and been utterly miserable for a while now (2 weeks maybe?); i continuously fight the problem moment after moment. but that doesn’t mean i’m anywhere near perfect, it just means i’m out of the worst of it. i’m not exactly sure what went on to make me so utterly miserable; there are a million factors of course but the only big one is of course the fact that i had work AND schoolwork to do on a COMPLETELY OPEN SCHEDULE, a type of freedom coupled with obligations to be done that i had never come close to experiencing before. and the worst problem was NOT goofing off and not doing work, but becoming extremely upset THAT i wasn’t doing the work which was 30 times worse, and likewise my progress to date this summer has been in accepting how extremely hard it is to function in this freedom and not feel guilty and miserable WHEN i don’t do any work, which takes away the extreme misery which was to blame for 90% of the extreme ditch i was in for the first half of the summer. i’m still goofing off half the time but at LEAST i’m doing work HALF the time instead of no time at all, and of course i’m continuously fighting so that i’m slowly getting better at doing work and being disciplined, using of course ALL my techniques and steps and my plan all of which are of course being continuously rehashed and revised and reedited (see all the sheets for details).
i’m doing theory in the car most of the time and my depressive bouts where i think life sucks and desperately need food are steadily lessining in numbers. i’ll wake up every morning extremely enthusiastic to tackle the day and may STILL spend 4 hours goofing off, but the difference now is i won’t THEN go crying in the corner for another EIGHT hours but will accept that it’s no big deal i goofed off i’ll just try to do better, and i’ll then go into work (OR goof off some more, which is also perfectly okay).
so that’s about it. i have 6 more weeks to completely learn 2 courses to prepare for school, and to work at least 20 hours a week as well to get the money to PAY for school. i think i’m in good enough shape to do pretty decently and NOT completely bomb the next 6 weeks, THOUGH IF I DO THAT’S OKAY. i keep thinking back to the past two or three semesters: each one i started off thinking i knew exactly how to solve my problem and everything was set; i just needed to start from the beginning of the semester and i’d be ALL set this time. it’s pretty easy to fall into that thought pattern again but if all this experience has taught me anything it’s that things AREN’T GOING TO SUDDENLY CHANGE. i should learn from my mistakes and NOT say “everythign is going to be PERFECT this time starting right now!”... high unrealistic expectations are the cause of TOO MUCH FUCKING GRIEF is this chaotic hellish mess. i’ve made progress with ADD. i EXPECT to make SOME progress with this coming semester. i even expect to make some GOOD progress this coming semester. but it will be NOWHERE near perfect, and even if i make NO progress i’m still not going to let that depress me; i’m just going to regroup and keep fighting. cause i’m gonna get my cs degree, i’m gonna get my music degree, and i’m gonna go out there and have as much fun and accomplish and explore as much as i possibly can...
NOTE: maybe everything’s based on misery. i.e. sometimes i think it’s my attitude “i’m going to overcome my emotions no matter how miserable i feel” that stop me from eating somethign in the kitchen. but when i think about it the only times when i’ve REALLY made progress not being able to touch the food i don’t want to eat is the times when i haven’t HAD a drop of misery IN me. when i’ve just been a big giant ball of life-enthusiasm. what if the attitude “i’m going to attack life vicously and break through any problems!” doesn’t give me the power to OVERCOME misery, but simply makes me NOT miserable, in fact the exact OPPOSITE of miserable, so that i don’t have anything to run away from and can do exactly what i know i need to.
*in the same way that you manage to create the habit of doing weights by disciplining yourself to stick with it just because you decided to and don’t let aimless unstable emotions tell you otherwise, tell yourself you’re going to develop the “habit” of always being the positive enthusiastic person who’s going to do exactly what it takes to reach his goals by disciplining yourself to stick WITH that ever-present guy, just because you decide to, and don’t let aimles sunstable emotions tell you otherwise. perhaps try to aim this more toward the idea of “doing this whether you want to or not” moreso than “doing it cause you want to”.
(sigh... SO confusing and complex, SO much, SO impossible to get down, in my head OR on paper...)
focus on the image of the person sitting back in that chair not letting the problem get to him but happily furiously working out how he’s going to solve it. now you can use that same image towards attacking life, since life is a problem just like ADD is a problem. picture the exact same person, who will sit and not let LIFE get to him but will happily furiously work on it
visualize the shakely little wishy washy FLIMSEY person who’ll keep eating and the STRONG and SURE and CONFIDENT person who’s in COMPLETE control of his life and doesn’t even have to THINK about it.
*at some ultimate level, it’s necesary to have patience. this is a long, long, continuous, steady process that will GRADUALLY and slowly yield results. i have billions of dreams right in front of me and no time to work on any of them, and it seems if i really wanted to badly enough, i should have gotten there by now. not true. it will take a LONG time before i’m capable of extreme discipline necesary to carry out even a fraction of the discipline it will take to do a third of what i want to do, not matter WHAT i possibly do in the meantime. i just have to do the absolute best i can do right now and then just wait.
i sat on the chair just now fighting, trying to get to that positive state i knew i needed to be in. but somehow whatever i tried would end in me still feeling miserable and wanting to run away from life. i told myself that nothing was miserable and tried to create the fierce determined optimist (steps 3 and 4 right now), but nothign worked. finally at a hundredth urge to run off into the kitchen i said “FINE!” and said “go ahead! eat a whole bag of popcorn! it’s no big deal!”... i had almost completely forgotten about the first major technique/step i ever took in solving this problem, not to be depressed by ANY amount of failure but to be perfectly content NO MATTER WHAT you’re doing. sometimes i have to specifically decide to allow myself to be distracted and get food or play a video game JUST to show myself that it’s perfectly okay! it’s no big deal! NO PILE OF TECNIQUES WILL ALLOW ME TO ATTACK LIFE AS LONG AS THE IDEA THAT FAILURE IN ATTACKING LIFE IS UTTERLY MISERABLE IS IN PLACE. failure is a given part of this process and i can’t get annoyed at it! i have to be cool-minded and indifferent no matter WHAT’S happening. DON’T LET ANYTHING GET TO YOU!
squish your problems like someone so powerfully in control that he can squish everything in the way of where he’s going like measly little bugs
BE THE PERSON WHO KEEPS TIME IN CHECK!!! Make sure you keep a perception of how important your time is and how easily your wasting it.
remember when misery has built up over a period of time and there’s not quite a reason for it but just an overall underlining sense of “blech”, don’t try to overcome it instantly! EVERY TIME this build up happens and i try to handle it very simply, i just keep failing and keep failing repeatedly. just sit there and work and work at it until you’ve brought yourself back to the underlining oppossitte state you know you need to be in..... ALWAYS try to have the underlinining feeling that THIS WILL WORK OUT EVENTUALLY and there’s NOTHING TO BE MISERABLE ABOUT no matter how bad things seem in the meantime.
when sometthing IS miserable, remember your two options: sit and complain or work through and do your best to do the best you can because there’s much better that lies beyond.
“ELIMATE MISERY” (my current third step) is almost part of the first step (identify problem; don’t feel bad about it, etc)... because i can be goofing off and still feel no misery, and i can be goofing off AND feel misery, so the feelings don’t necesarily only follow from the 2nd step (keep fighting it). a lot of eliminating misery (all of it?) is like the first step.... once we’re not miserable anymore, we’ll still be distracted but
we’re in a much easier mood to use step 2 (now fight!), and condition myself to be the positive guy
i need to be (step 4). maybe switch current steps 1 2 3 4 to 1 3 2 4?... then again, tonight, you could say the ENTIRE night i WAS using 1 and 2 the whole time to continue fighting (they’re basically already drilled in) and removing the extra misery WAS the third step because i couldn’t have done it without the first two... I DON’T KNOW.... maybe stick an extra rule in here somewhere: “construct a positive outlook / underlying feeling about life... THEN you can use step 4...” ?
okay how about this. maybe “eliminate misery” is a kind of double negative thing and a much better way to put it would be “construct a positive, happy, cheerful state of mind.” you want to CURE someone not just get rid of poison!!!! misery pushes us away, yes, and we have to eliminate it, but the better way to do this is say “i feel good!” not “i don’t feel miserable!”.
acutally COMPLETELY FORGET what i said about switching 1234 to 1324. i didn’t know what i was talking about=). one is the most basic “no matter HOW much you go through, the problem is not your fault and you’re a human being so don’t let it get you EXTRA EXTRA miserable. i have THAT down pat, and also i have down pretty well #2: keep fighting no matter what. (which i continued to do
tonight). 3) is “eliminate misery” which i DID do, and then i went back to goofing off, but only b/c only half the work was done. 1 and 2 are always in place, and you fight for 3, then finally do 4 if 3 is in place.
(maybe i’ll just have a step in 3) called “eliminate misery BUILDUP” as part of creating positive state)
8/19/99 6pm **
i have three weeks till school starts. i’ve done virtually no work this summer, but i’ve made a lot of progress in becmoing the person i need to be. my techniques are more numerous than ever, and i’m still sticking to my basic 4-step plan of
don’t worry about the problem
constantly keep fighting,
elimate all misery and put yourself in a happy state, and
be the furiously determined optimist, etc, who will break through life
it’s not perfect but it works for now, and almost every one of my zillions of techniques fall under one of these 4 catagories. (many tecnhiques and blabbs about how i’m dealing with this and how to deal with it in the future are written down on endless dated loose sheets of paper).
right now i’m heading off to work. since these last three/four weeks are SO desperately important i’m trying something different. i’m CRAMMING. just like two days before a test i have to furiously cram to get stuff in cause all the time is THAT important, i’m not going to let myself doddle around NOW. i’ll kind of use the four steps to get positive, with addition that i’ll constantly be saying “2) constantly keep fighting” but even MORESO, i’ll be saying “i have three weeks to do EVERYTHIGN and i’m not fucking going to take this misery/apathy/whatever!! i’m going to sit here and furiously work to put myself in the state i know i need to be in!”... etc, and to do 4), i’ll simply drill in the person who will fight with furious optimism and determination to do EVERYTHING he can do break through this next three/four weeks!
**also, i just recently came back to the idea of how much more unconditioning and conditioning there is for me to do. i stared through my room window the other day (a beautiful sunwhiney summer day outside) and played alex’s “window”, and just saw all the possibilities, and started to see how limited i was in my attitude towards attacking everything. basically there are a billion ways i could always be better, and i should NEVER let myself fall into a basic set pattern. i should always look at my life and attitudes and ask just HOW much better i could be and HOW much better i could be doing. how much more i can do to completley overhaul my entire world and create something even better. always more opportunities, always more windows. always a chance to be better and love life more. even when i’m the person i say i really want to be, how much more is there beyond THAT? what if i could live life being as happy (all the time) as when i’ve been at the most precious few moments of my entire life? if this sunshiney day makes me happy, why can’t life itself make me that happy? why can’t i walk around in a beautiful sun-shiney world every moment i’m alive? it’s all point of view.
and that’s the ultimate goal, so CERTAINTLY i can see that there are always a billion other ways to be solving my problem too, a billion different ways to attack, a billion different ways to drill in someone even better who will fight to ACHIEVE that ultimate person.
and this window thing is going to become a GIANT thing. these are the levels of significance it has already:
1-- the SONG “window”; this is simply a reminder of my goals because i love acoustic guitar and want to achieve being able to write something that good someday. this falls under using my utmost dreams as inspiration to create the person who will stop at nothing to reach them.
2-- about how i’ve USED the song again and again in my life at the key moments when i really need that precious deep inspiration. i’ll close my eyes and imagine all i have to be, all that lies beyond the windows and doors i have yet to pass through.
(meanings just thought up today/yesterday)
3-- an ACTUAL window... the feeling of looking outside into a beautiful gorgeous summer sunshiney day, the kind of day that makes you happy to be alive
4-- a reminder of all the BILLIONS of opportunities that lie in the vast endless universe (points in space, endless universe?) OUTISDE (through the window) my closed in little box of reality and perception. a reminder of all the worlds that lie outside, all the things to do and explore and the fun to have, AND a reminder of all the billions of different new ways that lie waiting for me to discover to change my personality and perception of the world so that i can ACHIEVE those great things that lie beyond.
be the person who won’t START a distraction just cause he knows he’ll be there for 10 hours doing it. realize how destructive the harmless-SEEMING notion is “oh but i’ll only be doing this for 1 minute.” you’re smarter than that. you know how easily you’ll sit there for an hour. yes, ultimate, you should be the person who’s able to take that 1 minute distraction just for fun, but why risk it?
you know, my battle fighting ADD is sometimes just as hard, sometimes harder, than sitting for 3 hours diligently doing work. so, why shouldn’t i give myself a break once in awhile? what’s the difference between someone spending 5 long hours sitting doing a tough assignment, and me sitting for 5 extremely frustrating hours doing the best i can to fight this problem? sometimes it can even be harder. last semester i tried to do work SO much – from 2pm friday till 3am sunday night – SO constantly – that i never even rested. spending that much time (24 hours a day) with complete misery and frustration can only hurt your entire attitude and overall mood. i have to start taking a break once in awhile no matter HOW much work i’ve gotten done.
i might even start giving myself an hour every day once i get home to do whatever i want and THEN do my work, cause what difference does an hour make? maybe a little, but if i used one a day to relax i think it would make a bigger difference in keeping me sane. not to mention it would help to balance off ***EVERYTHING*** i want to do in my life; i.e. give more time for poetry, lyrics, etc; treat them like priorities that time has to be spent on, to better help me go for everything at once and leave nothing out. and an hour a day can really add up over the course of 9 months if i use it wisely.
yesterday i drew up a chart of all the hours in my week and put in blocks for studying, classes, driving, frisbee, spectrum, and everything else. what i came up with was that there is plenty of time in the week for me to do music with greg, stuff for a half an hour a day with josh, school, frisbee, spectrum, web building, running, learning c++, and about fourteen hours a week for everything else like poetry and lyrics and guitar and piano. enough time to finish QUITE a bit of finished poetry, songs, web work, etc, over the course of ten months!! that’s if i organize myself near perfectly, though, which won’t come for awhile. but the least this has done is it’s made me see just how much time there is in the week that i’m wasting. i should remember this when i spend 2 hours emailing or eating food; remember how precious that 2 hours is as it could have been used for running or writing poetry or lyrics. this is why i don’t think it’s a big deal to allocate an hour a day for arts stuff, because i waste SO many hours in the week doing nothing anyway.
this chart has also made me realize that maybe i should actually SCHEDULE all my time like so many people say helps them with their “ADD.” before i just used 100% of my time TRYING to do work, but maybe i need to schedule work time, and fun time, and stick to it. maybe i’m well off enough now where scheduling can actually work. i dunno.
SEPTEMBER TO OCTOBER 2001
sometimes even take a shower or go to bed, for two long, long, years
- medication ever so slowly puts my head back together; i start functioning like a "normal" human being again
- now, here i stand, the pseudodisastisfied socrates, with new extraordinary terrible knowledge about the human mind that i never asked for, but have, nonetheless. the levels of insanity i've suffered parallel the astounding levels of creativity i believe i'm capable of. not only creativity, but knowledge of the human mind that could be put to unreal use if i learn to apply it. with wild "ADD" and bipolar still in effect, i'm left with a wild, obsessive compulsion to create buckets of art in fifty forms, and more importantly and significantly, to use my "powers for good" and go change the world -- to reach a pseudoperfect nirvana myself then say "hey gang, OVER HERE!" -- [side note: use that phrase in the "nirvana" section of squish's haven, use colorful language like that in the whole haven] -- to chase after the universe of visions that scatter through my head as wildly as the thousands of potential melodies that fly -- all in one brief moment -- in my face, while sitting with guitar or piano -- melodies that scream to be played. melodies so numerous and uncountable that i'll only be able to play an infinitesimal number of them in my short life. here i stand, me, against the universe. and i'll move it, i know i will. i just have to learn how to tie my shoes first.
[ JUNE '79 - AUG '99 ] (birth to 2 years college)
be born, grow up, learn about the world just like anyone -- Life 101
start to learn i'm creative, look forward and see just the barest of possibilities that lay ahead.
2 years college, bipolar anxiety starts to kick in 2nd half of 2nd year
anxiety escalates and begins to spin out of control summer '99
[ SEPT '99 - AUG '01 ] ???????????????????
become unscrewed. fall to complete insanity, nightmarish hell.
miss next 2 years college. incapable of school or work.
learn terrible knowledge about the universe and the human mind.
mind completely stripped & shattered, broken down to it's core, in order to rebuild it from scratch.
[ SEPT '01 - ??? ] ???????????????? start a few months back instead??
pick up the pieces. re-build my uinverse.
relearn the basics: tying my shoes, going to bed, and that school & work shit--
become a functioning member of society again (3.1)
have wild imaginings, transformative dreams, and perfect calm (-sark).
take control of the beast. focus. channel the creative energy & "use powers for good". change the world.
BEAR & BLAST. SUFFER & SMASH. ENDURE & ENTICE. LIFT & LIVE.
breathe. plunge. surge. expand. talk. interact. learn. grow. scatter. coalesce. befriend.
sing. hope. pray. listen. meditate. teach. draw. work. play. cuddle. fly.
"it's a new age delenn, a third age"
"well, we started off too primitive to make our own decisions,
then we were manipulated by forces outside our control,
and now, we're on our own."
-Babylon 5 (paraphrased)
9/10/01, mon, 8:40pm
fifth day of school
thank god that's over. now i can just ramble. HA!
here i sit, one week into school, after over ELEVEN hours of doing absolutely nothing. eleven. count them. one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven. i wanted to start reading the chapters i'm supposed to be reading, awhile ago, but i couldn't let myself jump into basically my first attempt at doing homework, in the state i was in. everything's back to ADD. the old fight. just like before bipolar. eleven hours, five chapters acumulated to read (though i didn't have my books before), nothing done. in some ways it's comforting. i'm BACK. i'm relatively sane again. i'm back. here. sane. in school. in WORK. doing HOMEWORK. and it's just like old times-- 11 hours, nothing done. "it's a comfort to find out you're losing your mind, when you re-realize that it's not the first time
ADD-BP FIGHT JOURNAL (solu7?)
sept 2001 --
. . .
"Deep within the human unconscious lies a pervasive need for a logical
universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step
- Frank Herbert
"That's the way it should be -- love should come before logic, just as you
said. Only then will man be able to understand the meaning of life."
Merlin knew what was happening to him and knew its fatal end, and still
he could not help himself, for his heart doted on the Damsel of the Lake...
"This is beyond understanding," said the King. "You are the wisest
man alive. You know what is preparing. Why do you not make a plan to save
yourself?" And Merlin said quietly, "Because I am wise. In the combat
between wisdom and feeling, wisdom never wins. I have told you your certain
future, my Lord, but knowing will not change it by a hair. When the time
comes, your feeling will conduct you to your fate."
- John Steinbeck
if you wanna be brave,
reach for the top of the sky
and the farthest point on the horizon
do you know who you'll meet there?
great soldiers and seafarers,
artists and dreamers
who need to be close, close to the light
they need to be in danger of burning by fire
and i, i wanna get there
i wanna be one,
one who is touched by the sun
often i want to walk
the safe side of the street
and lull myself to sleep
and dull my pain
but deep down inside i know
i've got to learn from the greats,
earn my right to be living
let my wings of desire
soar over the night
i need to let them say
she must have been mad
and i, i wanna get there
i, i wanna be one,
one who is touched by the sun
- carly simon
"i'm starting with the man in the mirror. i'm asking him
to change his ways. and no message could have been
any clearer: if you want to make the world a better place,
take a look at yourself and then make that change."
- michael jackson
hey i'd like to daze away to a place no one has known.
in a state of mind i could call mine, that only i could own.
where i could hum a tune any time i choose,
and there's no such thing as time.
where i can feel no pain, just calm and sane.
what a place for one to find
9/10/01, mon, 6:18pm
there. "blah." nothing profound. it would be nice to write some awe-inspiring novel right now, this being the most pivotal year i will probably ever have. but i can't. i don't have time. that's not what this journal is for. this journal is for freewriting, brainstorming, on ways to fight bipolar and ADD and philosophy, letting all the thoughts and ideas i have on the matter just FLY.... i can't summarize how important this is or what these next few months will truly mean. i know how important they are. but here's a very brief summary so i'm not COMPLETLEY lost looking back reading this when i'm 70:
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY LIFE TO DATE:
- i was born.
- i grew up, learned the usual shit, ABC's: pody training, etc
- picked up piano at 2, already started love of music
- dropped my pet hamster and killed him
- found a bunch of high school friends, had some fun in HS
- battled furiously with ADD
- became agnostic
- went to college, at which point i started to see just a spec of the infinite possiblities that lay (and still lie) before me
- came out; found a wonderful group of happy gay cuddly friends
- found cybernetics
- still FURIOUSLY battling ADD
- before i barely begin to learn to fight ADD, bipolar comes along and fucks me up beyond words
- my mind gets unscrewed; i fall into the abyss of existential insanity
all the standard bipolar hells -- anxiety, depression, psychosis, rage -- turn my life into a nightmare
- unable to do school or work, .." - lemonheads
but on the other hand, i don't exactly feel like going through another ten years of the same hells. i know so much more now, i should be able to beat it this time around. and it shouldn't take long. if starts taking forever to beat this, i'm not doing it right. i can't let myself be dragged into the perceptions and feelings and mentalities that will render me useless. I CAN'T LET THE UNIVERSE BEAT ME UP ANYMORE. i have the weapondry to kick ADD's sunuvamotherfuckinbitch's ASS. i can stick around in this abusive relationship for the rest of my life, or i can pack my bags, scream "FUCK YOU!", and get the hell outa here.
i've always felt this way since i started to learn great things about the human mind: unable to settle for anything when i have the means to create a world ten times better. why meditate hours a day and settle for the gradual limited peace that will put in my life like most people get from meditation, when i KNOW i have the means to run around in a perfect euphoric peaceful nirvana happy-land all day long? why spend all my time moving individual bricks around, making minor home repairs, when i have the resources to STEP BACK, and plow down the house and build a castle or mansion, instead? the plows and armies of workers are all standing behind me, while i fiddle with a few screws on an old house that everyone's whispering to eachother about, "why does he keep that old thing? why not just let us build the frickin' castle? we're fuckin bored!"
sometimes i feel like the whole universe is a rubix cube puzzle for me to solve. i play with fire -- play with mental control -- and twist it this way or that, not knowing what i'm doing or how it's going to get the puzzle solved. i'll understand one way to create a state of euphoria, so i'll focus and do that, and oh doesn't it just SO look like i'm getting somewhere-- i'm HAPPY, right? totally euphoric! it's that great?? but then, it's like the rubix cube, turn one way, gather a few squares of the same color, and you've wrecked something else. the euphoria leads to existential disorientation because i had to tear apart half my reality and re-define it in order to create the euphoria, then suddenly ten other things are fucked up. i work on being determined to do school and work, but that makes them obligations and creates endless stress and worry and anxiety regarding them, and guilt if things aren't getting done. how do i create a state of constant peace, WHILE keeping definition and structure in my life, WHILE enforcing the importance of school and work, without all the pain, worry, stress, anxiety, and anger? go figure. twist the cube.
so given all that, how can i possibly allow myself to sit down for basically the first time in the third age of my life (see above), with almost the exact same stresses, worries, negative perceptions, and anxieties, that i've always had? that i had before age 2?? that i know are all totally unncecesary?
i can sit and JUST WITH THOUGHT alter my state of consciousness towards total peace and controlable euphoria-- why do i still fear going to bed? why, after all this time, do i sit down to do a homework assignment, and have every fear and worry and stress i've ever had about homework -- including new existential nightmarish fears (THANKS BIPOLAR!) -- RUSH to the surface?? a warning light went off, i couldn't even begin. i'm setting a B-I-G precedent here. i can set the example for the rest of the semester, the rest of the year, the rest of my life, that i'm going to let this shit control me and push me around, or i can set the example that i'm someone who has the power to stand up to those stresses, worries, negative perceptions, and anxieties, and say:
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN GODAMNSUNUVAMOTHE@#$@3#$#$
i don't know what to do though. how to do it. do i meditate for an hour then go do work and try to drag along the sense of peace? do i visualize the kickass, layed back person i want to be, and try to become him? do i freewrite for an hour and get all my thoughts out on the matter? do i put together an overall attack strategy for fighting all this, and start implementing it?...
e) all of the above?
i thought i wouldn't have to worry about such things for awhile-- "jump the bump" i said, just work at making yoruself a functional member of society again, THEN worry about taking on the self-appointed job of changing the whole fucking world, but haven't i done that already? i've instilled the same blazing determination to attack life that i've always had. i can get myself up in the morning, however much sleep i've had (takes four alarm clocks, but i can do it!). i've fought back fatigue and colds (which can make me fucking suicidal) to force myself to stay awake and DO WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING, even if it's just staying awake to get up on time the next morning.
i'm on bipolar meds that have mostly stabalized me at mild mania; no more total insanity. i'm on a stimulant that's helped me to break through hellish fear to finish songs, to record them, to spark the beginnings of a songwriting and performing career, to build and continue updating my mp3 site, TO FINISH A 24-TRACK CD INCLUDING ARTWORK AND MANUFACTURING, to focus the mania away from the insanity of psychosis, to come down from schizophrenic hell and walk amongst the sane once again. i rush to get to bed on time. i rush, and i GO TO BED without furious raging anxiety attacks, and i almost always get up now and do the things i'm supposed to be doing. the biggest success i've had so far has only been the past week, but it's a week i know isn't going to suddenly shimmer and vanish. it's a week that's a direct result of two years of slow but inexorable progress. i'm not going back down. maybe a bit here and there, but i'm heading up bitch. "up where the birds soar.... fly up here now, fly up here, take my hand, we're off to paradise....".
so, where does leave me? haven't i "jumped the bump"? i guess i was waiting to make a month's worth of perfect progress before i declared the bump jumped, before i declared myself a functioning, sane member of society once again, able to tie his shoes, get to bed, get up in the morning, go to work and serve sandwiches for four hours without having a mental breakdown, running out of the sugar shack screaming and flailing my arms in the air.... but isn't that what i've been doing for two years for god's sake??
yeeessss, there are still basics left to cover, i will still turn into a raging psychotic here and there, maybe i always will, but for the most part, i'm here. i've worked my ass off on my sanity all summer, i've made ineffable progress, i've done the songs and mp3 sites and open mics-- to land myself here. i'm in school. i signed up. i went to all my classes (minus one inconsequential oversleep, lol!). i bought books. i went to financial aid and got the form. i'm WORKING (and showed up all three times last week without a problem!). i'm working on a SAGA with jen, going strong, both of us very commited to it. and songs with rosenthal, whom i've met with every week since we started, save one. THIS PROGRESS ISN'T SUDDENLY GOING TO DETERIORATE AND GO *POOF*!!! noooooo, i'm not perfect, may never be. BUT I'M HERE IN SCHOOL GOING STRONG DOING MUSIC GOING TO BED KICKING LIFE'S MOTHERFUCKINGODAMNSUNUVAUNCLEFUCKIN' ASS AND I'M NOT.... FUCKING.... GOING ANYWHERE!!! *ahem*
i can't do my first homework assignment -- can't go back to something that represents years of hell of useless strugling and fighting and screaming in vain, in hate, in maddness -- can't go back to it in the same state of mind that i've always been in before -- can't let it win again. yes yes yes, there are more basics to take care of, maybe a lot, and i'll keep fighting them (and beat the shit out of them!), but this is something I CAN'T GO BACK TO. if nothing's diFfERENt this time, then everything will be the same.
i can't take the old approach. it has to be new this time. it has to be different. and what better way to attack my first homework assignment than to start to use all my new pyscho jedi powers to do so. it's not like i'm proposing to leap from "jump the bump" to "take over planet earth" here. what i'm saying is, i'm "functioning" already godamnit, and it's time to move the MAIN focus from doing basic trivial tasks, to TACKLING SCHOOL, MUSIC, AND WORK. i've learned extraordinary things about myself and the human mind. i've experimented. i've achieved total euphoria by thought alone. I'M DONE WITH MY TRAINING. IT'S TIME TO LEAP INTO BATTLE.
"jump the bump" was jumping over a small log, from the boundary where insanity and sanity met, back into the real world ONCE AGAIN. now here, i can't waste one second of my time behaving like i behaved before. i can't spend even one month going through the insanity of the old ADD fight to decide i'm ready to try something else. i know i'm here, i know i can struggle with ADD endlessly. i'd only be just barely starting that struggle, but i've come far enough to know for sure that i'm here and COULD start that struggle again, back in the world where ADD SUCKS, and where the insanity of bipolar doesn't take that much form anymore. ohhhh yes, i'm on new meds, but today alone tells me that factor is only a factor. if anything were SIGNIFICANTLY different chemically, i wouldn't have resorted to AUTOMATICALLY spending 11 hours doing nothing today, 10am-9pm. i''m more or less back where i started. the BIG difference now is what i know about the mind, the types of things i know how to change and control. i knew cybernetics before, but age two multiplied it by a hundred.
age 3 is about control. control over the insanity and wild creativity and terrible knowledge (PAUL IN DUNE HAD A "TERRIBLE PURPOSE"!), control to channel those powers and put them to practical use. to put them to extraordinary use. and the best and only place to start is ME.
3.1 was about not worrying about the giant plan and just learning how to breathe again, and walk, and chew gum, and tie my shoes. 3.2 will be about controling and applying my jedi powers to ME to do their first tasks: BEAT ADD, obliterate all unnecesary worry and stress and pain, flood my life with an overall feeling of calm and peace and sometimes euphoria -- i.e. breathing white, breathing haven, 24/7, creating a permanent "daze" -- while still kicking life's unclefuckin' ass: achieving, living, working two full time jobs plus 38 credits plus music with 17 friends plus 20 open mics a week plus 24 kickass mp3 sites plus 10 progressing CDs.... ETC!!!
now that i've scared myself five sixths to death, let me remind myself:
you don't have to get a 4.0 gpa (but try anyway) ;-). SCHOOL IS ONLY ONE OF THREE MAIN PRIORITIES.(plus work, and music) if you get through this semester having made any better progress fighting ADD than you have before (by applying new and old techniques), plus work 7 hours a week for those four months, plus open mics and writing stuff with rosenthal and wasilko and writing new songs and updating your mp3 site, plus just a little solfege, guitar, and piano, and come out with your sanity (mostly) intact, THAT'S GREAT!! and if not, ok, just do your best and keep trying damnit!
you're still getting back into things. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN "GETTING BACK INTO THINGS"-- YOU'VE NEVER DONE SCHOOL WELL AT ALL. so if you get through this semester like a normal student, a normal human being, without the usual 72-hour periods of trying to write your name at the top of the paper, and even do some other other shit too, that's progress. and you'll get there by RELAXING!!!! -- and focusing on a state of peace, 24/7 -- and then using what you know to TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
3.2: pseudoperfect nirvana. it will never be perfect, nothing is. but hopefully you can get it close. START building this state, by taking your re-built self and doing things differently. by building a totally new you. don't let it overwhelm you, you don't have to reach haven / nirvana / daze / whatever by FRIDAY (it would be fun to try though, wouldn't it?!), you just have to start building. there's no state that comes before "working to build pseudoperfect nirvana," because in doing your first homework assignment, you're going to start using the techniques that you're already using to build that nivrana. if you close your eyes and create peace, you're already working at creating that nirvana all the time. this is exactly where you are. you're starting to take control of yourself and your life, which comes way before trying to go out and change the world. "i'm starting with the man in the mirror. i'm asking him to change his ways. and no message could have been any clearer: if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change." -michael jackson
START WITH YOURSELF. use your punctual jedi powers to fight your own life, your own battles. start -- just start -- to build and find that psedoperfect nirvana, so you can THEN say "hey guys, over here!!". make an example out of yourself, because you can't lecture other people on why they shouldn't be totally miserable if you're totally miserable yourself. plus you simply need to make that out of yourself to be able to do what you want in life, before you move on to bigger things. "be all you can be." you know how much you can be. BECOME IT.
. . . .
(always nosh, lol)
i have pseudoperfect nirvana to achieve.
how am i going to start?
what attack plan am i going to use?
i'm tired. i want to go to bed.
i need to get up in 7 hours.
i have 5 chapters to read.
i'm going to the bathroom, then to get a snack, then i'll take a cold-eeze
once i get back, i'll have to make a decision.
how much homework to do, and how much sleep to get
(and how much tetris to play).
HOW AM I GOING TO ATTACK THIS DIFFERENTLY THAN EVER BEFORE?
i really decided this as i was writing the above, and is summed up in the line:
e) all of the above.
meaning do everything i can possibly think of.
meditate, create haven, breathe light, visualize confidence & determination, freewrite....
things are too chaotic right now to draw up a plan. you need to BRAINSTORM first--
brainstorm, and find out how to go about attacking this life thing in this new way.
so, DO NOT approach the assignment in the same way as always before.
but you don't have to have a 170-paged proposition on how to go about making that decision either.
(i.e. the decision of homework, bed, tetris, what?.....)
here's what you do:
TRY DIFFERENT THINGS.
DON'T GO CRAZY BEING PERFECT
IT WILL BE CHAOTIC AT FIRST
EMBRACE THE CHAOS
GO WILDLY RUNNING INTO BATTLE WITH GUNS FIRING AND SWORDS FLAILING
.....WHILE DANCING, STUPIDLY, A MANIC DANCE....
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
JUST MAKE IT DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
over the next few weeks, we'll formalize what we're doing and how to go about doing it.
we'll list specific techniques and map out battle plans.
but for now, just go crazy.
just not insane.
SOME BASIC STARTERS:
- 3 Main Priorities: WORK --- MUSIC --- SCHOOL
- make absolutely sure you get into work every week.
- do all you can with school & music.
- rosenthal & wasilko are a MUST -- your own stuff, plus open mics, is secondary
- don't worry about a 4.0 in school, just do the absolute best you can!
- don't let the future scare you to death. don't worry about it right now. just work on getting to nirvana! ROFL!
- meditate, CONSTANTLY
apply peaceful euphoric states to all of life
obliterate stress, worry, etc
- go back through these entries and find key lines of inspiration, etc.
- remember todo lists / tasks
- RUN / WORKOUT
9/13/01, thur 5:50pm
i have to live this life. i'm going to live this life. i'm going to live this life, and kick ass. i'm going to walk the beach at low sunset barefoot with the cutest abercrombie boy in the world. i'm going to hang around places like kerouac park in lowell again with friends and just sit and talk and have the time of my life just being with my friends. i'm going to write music. really good music. and i'm going to perform it, and make people laugh, and make people cry. i'm going to change the whole fucking world.
so enough with the fucking suicidality. "ohhhh this is so horrible i'll never get through this what's the point i should just kill myself...." FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!!! i'm going to kick ass, I WILL NOT LET THIS SHIT RULE ME. i'm down because i've attacked this all wrong, and because i don't have solid strategies down for how to deal with what, and just plain because i haven't done school or work in two years and it's gonna take awhile for me to get things down-- because i've never even had them down to begin with! THERE IS NO MORE MED EXCUSE. I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING SCHOOL AND WORK. and so i will. i can't let past failures define me. i missed three days of school in a row. SO... FUCKING... WHAT!!! i have the chance to overcome that. to try again. i have 88 years left of being able to try again. and i'll try again to my last breath. if it ever seems hopeless, i'm looking at it wrong. yes i'm manic, but i'm perfectly capable of turning that mania into enthusiastic, happy, productive mania. i have to rid my head of all the shit that prevents me from becoming what i want to be, from doing what i want to do. it's all shit, and i'm getting rid of it. i'm packing it up and kicking it out, and it can go find somewhere else to live.
as for strategies, my last one didn't work out at all, it was a horrible approach. i gave myself the impression that if i didn't do well at school this time, it was all over. that was a HUGE pressure that nearly killed me because i started missing classes and suddenly it was OH MY GOD I WON'T GET THROUGH THIS WHAT AM I GOING TO DO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH........... i'm realizing now that i have to tell myself, IT'S OK IF I MISS A DAY OR TWO OF SCHOOL! most of my previous pre-bipolar strategies revolved around the key point that i'm DIFFERENT... I CAN'T LET MYSELF FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING MY BEST. i'm a streaker bee in a worker bee society, and the world doesn't make exceptions for me, so i have to make those exceptions myself. I HAVE TO DO THE ABSOLUTE BEST I CAN GIVEN WHAT I HAVE, AND NO MORE. no more guilt. oh well, i missed three days, too fuckin bad. even if i get all F's by the end of the semester, if i at least ATTENDED CLASS every day for the last month of it and did the work, THAT'S PROGRESS!! that would show that i'm then capable of doing pretty good in full time school, because if i do well by the last month, i'm only getting F's because it took me the semester to get up to speed.
and as for my last entry, i went on and on about using all new techniques. well that's all well and good, but that is SO vague and unstructured that it will drive me crazy if that's all i try. it IS driving me crazy. there's nothing wrong with the anti-ADD techniques i developed before. i just have a lot to add to them!
so here i am, three days of school missed, but i'm not going to let it get to me. i'm starting over. KEEP STARTING OVER, every week, every day, every hour.... this particularly is a big start-over though, cause i approached this totally wrong at it really needs a new beginning. so here's to becoming re-reborn! =)
DO THE ABSOLUTE BEST YOU CAN! KICK ASS!
....and don't worry when you fail
1) don’t worry about anything; relax and be calm no matter what
2) fight the problem of how to become better
3) fight LIFE to reach your goals
4) become the disciplined soldier who has control over emotions and ADD and the rest
5) be someone who will pick a person to be and enthusiastically stick with any of those decisions no matter how extraordinary.
6) IMPROV; change your perceptions of things using whatever web of techniques you need to to make everything better; the first 5 are just general attitudes to walk around with 100% of the day. there are billions of details to be worked out that i CAN’T plan for
later revised & shortened to:
1) don’t worry about the problem
2) constantly keep fighting,
3) elimate all misery and put yourself in a happy state, and
4) be the furiously determined optimist, etc, who will break through life
worry about details later. for the moment we need a basic plan. that will be this:
STOP: sanity first.
breathe: NO GUILT -- i'm a streaker (bee)
NO PAIN -- just unconditional peace (jake / euphoria)
doesn't matter WHAT'S going on
NO SHIT -- work toward pseudoperfect nirvana (monk)
br e a t h e w h i te / haven
CLEAR / white canvas
focus: who am i? (me)
d e f i n e --
squish / chad / devin / paul -- in age 3, taking control
center ( friends / music / pez / abercrombie guys / frisbee / beach )
ATTITUDE!! -- happy focused wild determined stubborn
ride the beast
where am i heading? (destination)
first to pseudoperfect nirvana -- me first
then into the field, to change the world ("hey, over here!")
center ( friends / music / pez / abercrombie guys / frisbee / beach )
this semester -- to do my absolute best in school, work, & music
have wild imaginings, transformative dreams, and perfect calm (-sark).
what's going on? (now / today)
homework? work? music? todo list? bedtime?
fly! GO! KICKASS! ...with wild unending determination and persistance.
DON'T JUST SIT AROUND!
breathe. plunge. surge. expand. talk. interact. learn. grow. scatter.
coalesce. befriend. sing. hope. pray. listen. meditate. teach. draw.
work. play. cuddle. fly.
SUN, 9/23/01, 7:30am
today's a big day. there are lots of big days. today's one of them. today i'm re-re-re-re-re-re-reborn. i've been in a constant state of reconstruction ever since my mind was demolished two years ago, and today's an extra big re-construction day. ...very big.
i went into 'age 3' with this giant expectation that i should be functioning like a normal student. bad, bad, bad idea. i completely broke down after missing three days of school because i was loosing big time, given my expectations. then i started again, with a much different attitude: trying to remember that i'm totally different, that IT'S OK IF I MISS EVERY OTHER DAY OF SCHOOL.... if i pass one class with a D, THAT'S PROGRESS! but recently i've still been suicidal at times because those deep expectations are still there. if i miss two classes in a row, all i can think about is how i'll have to drop out of school AND I CAN'T DO THAT.... for the love of god, i can't do that....
i've been falling closer to the abyss recently. to the point of feelings of suicide. AND THIS IS SUICIDALITY THAT DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH BIPOLAR OR CHEMICAL IMBALANCES. and i think it's mostly from failing with school.... i have to LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS and re-re-re-begin again and keep reminding myself that it's ok to flunk out of school, i just have to do the absolute best i can. it's so hard though, because i fear all i'll end up doing is re-sparking my enthusiasm to go to school, yet STILL with the belief that i absolutely must make every course....
when i miss a course it affects me SO badly.... i'm drawn into this netherworld limbo where so much structure and definition is lost. how can i get myself to class, and how can i learn not to be suicidal just because i miss a fucking class?
and it's not just school. school's probably the biggest factor in causing the suicidality, but the feeling, overall, results from a giant lack of definition and direction and purpose in my life as a whole...
getting to bed is one of the biggest factors in this whole war. i stay online at night, always up till 6am....
i just can't fathom how i can send myself into drug-high euphorias with simple thought, and yet can't even get my life to the point where i'm not suicidal at times.
i don't even know where i'm going with this journal entry....
well, today's going to be big. today i'm going to re-re-re-define things, again, and start kicking ass again.
i have to:
- start learning how to breathe and sift out the terror and worry and pain -- to be euphoric -- WHILE LIVING LIFE
- really, really, really drill in that I CAN FLUNK SCHOOL AND THAT'S OK
- put a greater emphasis on my job and music, that those are as important as anything, that if i miss school, i still have a world of music to do, and can still work
- become utterly fed up with my sleeping habits and drill in a new squish who'll get to bed on time
- GET THE FUCK DOWN TO EARTH AND START LIVING LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING
THU, 9/27/01, 8:15am
too much to say, too little time.... but i must get the gist of this out....
i was driving home after the sugar shack last night at 1am (now 8am, been up since then) and was going totally psychotic -- i was screaming in my head that i wasn't going to bed wasn't going to bed wasn't going to bed, because of the psychotic re-definition i have that sleep is death when i'm manic and psychotic. maybe it had a little to do with the caffeine i'd been drinking, but i think that was minor. anyway i couldn't believe that after all this time and progress i was still dealing with not being able to get to bed, so i hypothesized that this was a CHEMICAL problem that will never be solved in any sort of sufficient way unless it's CHEMICALLY treated.... i simply can't get my brain to see things in a sane way when it's utterly psychotic! and why would i bother with the trouble when it could just be fixed with the proper medication??
and i theorized that the reason that i was so psychotic was because of a total lack of modafinil. i'd been up since 8am and this was 17 hours later. a "responsible" voice (that i've since shot, burned, dissolved in acid, burried, and thrown out) told me to only take a 100mg -- (if anything) -- to test my theory. a much smater gut voice told me to take 200mg since 100mg would barely make a noticable difference, if anything. but i'm not one for listening to voices (i boycott schizophrenia), so i took 300. and daaaaamn was i right!
here are some of the absolute, absurdly nontrivial differences:
- i can breathe
- i went to install DIABLO 2 OF ALL THINGS ON EARTH as my mania got me excited about it and my ADD started to fly me off and install it as a distraction and ignore everything else, BUT I SAID NO!!!....without much difficulty. i was able to stop the ADD-distraction in a world of mania.
- i'm able to CONTROL (or at least, much moreso than usual) the furious flying trains of thought that fight to scatter in a million directions and a million times a million two seconds from now.....
- I CAN PUSH OUT THE PAIN AND ANXIETY AND FEEL PEACE -- i can breathe
- i'm experiencing somewhat of a (happy, good) manic high -- yes maybe this means i should be on more depakote, but the point is, WHATEVER my bipolar meds, i need the modafinil to take care of the ADD. if i'm high, it's 700 times worse to be manic and psychotic than manic and euphoric, and with ADD controlled, my mind's focused toward the euphoria. with it unchecked, the mania takes the form of the wild scattered psyhosis.
- i feel sane. i feel happy.
- i think i'm experiencing less OCD (TALK TO DR WALLACE ABOUT OCD)
- I CAN THINK ABOUT BED WITHOUT A FURIOUS RAGING SUICIDAL ANXIETY ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!
i know it's a CHEMICAL difference because i started to fall asleep in the car (as usual when chemically psychotic) at just the most minor attempt at focusing (i.e. focusing on any mindset that would allow me to do any of these types of things). when the ADD is taken care of chemically, my mind is AUTOMATICALLY FOCUSSED--- i don't have to work like hell to control the psychosis. THERE IS NO PSYCHOSIS. (or extremely little)
REMEMBER ABOUT THE "HAPPY" BUT "TIRED" FEELING YOU GET WHEN ON MODAFINIL AT NIGHT AS LONG AS YOU'RE TAKING YOUR NIGHT MEDS--- THIS IS *SANE*!!! AND YOU CAN GET TO *BED*!!!!
i just know modaafinil was responsible for the help in attention span that let me finish that CD.... i always suspected but this almost proves it. this has an astounding ability to focus my mind without driving my bipolar insane like most stims.....
i remember so long ago when i first tried ritalin, that it made me totally euphoric, BUT IT ALSO TOOK AWAY THE PSYCHOSIS.... i just knew knew knew knew knew that SOMETHING was VERY VERY VERY right there, but never knew how complicated it was. now i'm pretty sure that what the ritalin was mostly doing was focusing my totally out of control psychosis into euphoria, and also possibly caused some euphoria. there's always been that DOWN TO EARTH, SANE state that's popped up so so rarely and i've always been trying to get back there..... this is the last piece of evidence that virtually proves that the modafinil controls the ADD, and the ADD is responsible for making my highs psychotic or euphoric, etc....................
AGAIN, THIS MEANS IT'S CHEMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO REACH A EUPHORIC OR PEACEFUL OR NON-PSYCHOTIC/NON-ANXIETY STATE WITHOUT THE RIGHT STIMS -- THAT DOESN'T MEAN *VIRTUALLY* IMPOSSIBLE, THAT MEANS------ IMPOSSIBLE. don't.... even..... try.
NOTE: could any of this been CAUSED by the modafinil by chance? i mean, i seem REALLY happy and manic.... maybe it's because i didn't take my meds last night (it's only 10am, though), or because i took them late the night before that.... or maybe it's the caffeine.... or maybe because i'm on no sleep......... i dunno, could be lots of things... my best guess is still that the modafinil just gave me the focus to be happy and peaceful in whatever level of manic high was at, instead of that level of psychosis (AND YES, I WAS REALLY PSYCHOTIC LAST NIGHT.......).........
AHHHHHH.........................I JUST READ A STUDY THAT SAID THAT MODAFINIL MIGHT BE ABLE TO BE USED AS AN ENHANCER TO AN AD!!!!.........THIS THROWS A FUCKIN' WRENCH INTO THINGS!!!!
WED 10/03/01 1:24am
DEFINE YOURSELF--- coalesce--
in response to existential madness, say, well, i'm just going to help create a blob of molecules in this universe that think and act and believe the way i want them to. like a normal human being.
i woke up this morning at 8:30pm having missed a day of school and overslept 10 hours. first response: OH GOD THIS IS SO AWEFUL.... OH HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN... NOW SO AND SO WON'T GET DONE WHICH MEANS EVERYTHING IS BAD AND HORRIBLE AND OH *GOD* I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELFetc......... i have two possible responses to a bad situation: 1) give up and go kill myself, or 2) move on. if i'm going to waste time in my life sitting and complaining and feeling bad about bad things that happen instead of moving on with my life, i might as well go shoot myself, because there's no point. something bad happened. okay, is that supposed to disrupt my whole master plan of kicking ass? bad stuff is gonna happen, that's a fucking given. i have to suck it up and move on. there' no PURPOSE to complaining, whining, dwelling, or feeling bad. there's absolutely no purpose or room for it in the grand scheme of things. bad things will happen, move the fuck on.
YOU'RE NOT BEHIND; YOU'RE AHEAD
START OVER-- EVERY WEEK, EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR
NO GUILT NO GUILT NO GUILT.
memories are coming back to me..... so amazing, so amazing....
you MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST concentrate on the person
you want to be. stop playing life's fucking game. this or that is trivial. do big, do a big upheavel and reconstruction of your life almost from scratch...
stop. dump out all the perceptions that make things insane.
be positive. slow down. imagine the peaceful enthused squish who's going
out there and kicking ass. stoooop worrying about grades.... just keep starting over and do your absolute best. if you can make it any better than last semester, that's progress. pass just one course, that's progress. don't let frantic worry about grades get to you. just clear your mind and envision the worrying squish going crazy about everything in a chaotic scrambled world. FORGET THAT. clear your mind and 'be alright'. DRILL DRILL DRILL. WRITE WRITE WRITE. beat this. you got up, you got to class (at least one), you saw dr cartwright, you tried to do work, and you WENT to bed. that's progress. make it in to every one of your classes this week and that's progress. you can still do this. just keep your cool. and really really really meditate and drill and get all the insane ideas out of your head. concentrate on pleasure as a means of teaching constant exclusion of unwanted SHIT like worry and anxiety and psychosis. A LOT OF IT IS JUST PSYCHOLOGICAL AND NOT CHEMICAL. stop this outdated subscribtion to pain and suffering and for the love of god ORDER A NEW YOU!
pick an image and drill and drill and drill-- don't just say "i'm a great student who wants to diligently do work"... RAMBLE! RANT! go on and on and on drilling in image after image after image after image after image after image of that person, various aspects of that person, all the things he feels at all the different parts of his life, etc, etc, etc.... DRILL!!
no matter what.... keep going.
never, never, never, give up.
use this as an enormous opportunity to develop perserverence in the face of failure
stop getting depressed.
it doesn't matter WHAT happens......
maybe you'll drop out of school....
OH fucking WELL.
and it goes on
this could be the lesson of your life..... take this utter unbelievable failure...... and RISE.......
you've hit rock bottom again. you're beyond the suicidal point where you feel there's no point in living if you don't do well in school.
you're far beyond that.
you'll probably have to drop out of most of your classes.
or get an F in them all.
OH fucking WELL
if you can see -- just a little bit -- how you can be positive and keep going and keep fighting, AFTER THIS MISERABLE FAILURE.........
then all the pain in school this semester, all the worrying, all the suicidality, was all, for nothing.
you know how impossible bipolar is. how impossible it SEEMS, and how impossible it is to suceed normally, at a normal pace.
but it's not impossible to win the war.
you have to keep pushing.
you've learned that and you're not going to stop so doing even ponder the merest possibility of having the thought speculate about crossing your mind when no one's looking, that it's time to give up.
never, never, never, never, never, never, never..........
you've learned to start over.
you've learned that every time, again and again and again and again, that you fail, with seemingly no progress,
you just have to breathe.......
and start the fuck over.
i feel like i'm just barely becoming a normal human being.....
THAT FEELING DOESN'T COME FROM GETTING A'S.
THAT FEELING DOESN'T COME FROM SUCEEDING IN A DESPERATE STRUGGLE TO MAKE UP ALL THE WORK YOU MISSED THE PAST FOUR WEEKS.
that feeling comes from suceeding in instilling the attitudes you arm yourself with to fight life.
that feeling comes from seeing your dismil situation in the same way any "normal" human would see a failure, get over it, and keep moving on with life.
you don't have to win school to win life.
if you wake up tommorrow, and smile, and laugh, and breathe, and swallow, and forget, and start anew, no matter what the situation......
[END A.D.D. NOTES]